


Heart Full of Black

by m3535



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-15 19:51:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 80,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15420363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m3535/pseuds/m3535
Summary: What is Remus to do when he suddenly finds himself caught in the middle of two brothers' furious feud? The last thing Remus wants is to hurt anybody's feelings, but how can he possibly avoid that? And what about his own feelings?





	1. An Honest Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first work with Regulus as a main character, and it still holds a special place in my heart. The whole fic is about 80,000 words. Since it's already written, I will be publishing quite frequently - probably one or two chapters a day. Comments will be greatly appreciated.  
> Betaed by the amazing REwrites (seriously, try reading her stuff) from chapter 22 onwards.  
> Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. I make no profit and intend no copyright infringement.

**Chapter 1 - An Honest Mistake**

Remus Lupin's eyes eagerly searched the platform. He hadn't seen his three best friends for ten whole weeks, and he had missed them terribly. All the other years the four young wizards had found ways of meeting during the summer, but for different reasons it just hadn't been possible this time. It was going to be great seeing them again. If only he could find them... 

Well, Pete probably wasn't here yet - he always managed to turn up at the last possible minute, out of breath, his plump face crimson with stress and exertion. But James and Sirius should be here somewhere...

 _Oh! Right there_ , thought Remus as he spotted a slender, well-dressed, black-haired teen standing with his back turned just a few yards away. Remus almost lunged himself at him. "Padfoot!" he cried as he grabbed onto his shoulders. 

The boy flinched and whipped around to stare at him. "What the -" he uttered and gave Remus a quick disapproving once-over. His gaze lingered briefly on his shabby jumper before returning to his face. For a split-second Remus wondered why on earth Sirius' grey eyes were looking at him with such hostility. Then he realised that, despite the striking similarity, they weren't Sirius' eyes at all. 

He stumbled backwards a few steps and felt his face starting to burn with shame. "S-sorry..." he stammered, "so sorry, R-Regulus... I thought you were -" 

Regulus narrowed his eyes as if daring him to finish that sentence. His lip curled into a sneer as he brushed off his shoulders where he had been touched, as if Remus' hands had been dirty.

Remus turned on his heal and hurried off, away from the embarrassing situation. To his great relief he quickly spotted a familiar bespectacled face grinning at him a little further down the platform. 

"Moony, old mate!" cried James Potter as he padded him hard on the back and ruffled his hair. 

Remus caught a quick glimpse of the smiling and lit up face of (the real) Sirius Black before he was enveloped in a crushing bear hug. "Hi! Missed you! It's been way too long," cheered the black-haired boy. He pulled back and took a good look at him. "What's with the red ears, Moons?"

"Oh," said Remus, scratching his neck absentmindedly, "I'll tell you on the train." 

**o0o0o**

"Guess who's been made Head Boy!" sang Sirius as they dropped on to the seats in their compartment. "PRONGS!" he finished dramatically, not giving anybody time to guess.

Both Remus' and Peter's jaws dropped. "REALLY?" 

"Yeah, really. Padfoot hasn't given me a moment's peace since I got the letter..." James sighed.

"Why didn't you owl me, Prongs?" asked Remus, feeling a little hurt that he hadn't been informed about something so relevant.

"Sorry," said James, looking a bit shameful. "I should have. I just feel kind of bad that I got the position. It should have been you..."

"Oh, don't feel bad. I'm not much of a leader, anyway. Don't like ordering people around... You have much more authority than I - people will actually listen to you. You'll be a great Head Boy." 

"Still..." said James.

Remus didn't want James to feel guilty, so he thought he'd lift the mood. "You'll be pleased to learn who the new Head Girl is, then..." he said nonchalantly.

James' head whipped up. "You KNOW? Is it... it's Evans, isn't it?"

Remus nodded and James shot his fist into the air, emitting an ear shattering war cry. Sirius, Peter and Remus all rolled their eyes. 

Remus had been good friends with Lily Evans since they were both appointed prefects in 5th year, so he knew her rather well. He was aware that her apparent loathing of James was merely a facade she insisted on keeping up, mostly out of habit and, Remus thought, sheer stubbornness. In fact, she was softening up, and Remus was fairly sure the she was in the process of falling for her persistent adorer. However, he knew better than to meddle - it would only cause Lily to dig her heels in. So - James would just have to be patient for a little while longer. Maybe this was just the opportunity he needed to finally win her over. 

"By the way, Moony - what was up with you back on the platform?" asked Sirius curiously.

"Oh, that. ...I um... basically hugged your brother..." said Remus, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

"WHAT?" chorused all three.

"Why on EARTH would you do that?" asked Sirius incredulously.

"Well, I thought he was _you_ , of course!" Remus defended himself.

"You thought he was ME?" exclaimed a baffled Sirius. "How the fuck could you mistake him for me, Moony - are you fucking BLIND?" he continued angrily.

"Easy now, Padfoot," said James, "you can't blame Moony. You two DO look a lot like each other; I can see how someone could make that mistake."

"WHAT? Prongs, we look NOTHING alike!" stated an increasingly agitated and offended Sirius. 

"Come on, Sirius - who's blind now?" said James. "You have the same eyes, facial features, build, hair - except yours is a bit longer -"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Sirius while childishly pressing his hands to his ears, showing that he didn't want to hear any more of their horrid lies.

"Calm down," said Remus, pulling one of the other boy's hands away from his ear. "We're only saying that you _look_ alike - not that your behaviour or personalities are similar. You can take comfort in the fact that when it comes to that, you two couldn't be more different. And that's what really matters, isn't it?"

Sirius loosened up a bit, but kept sulking and didn't join in on the conversation for a while. Remus could see that his feelings had been more than just a little hurt. He regretted telling him about the incident, because he _knew_ how Sirius felt about his family and all they stood for, and how he hated being reminded of his connections to them. So no wonder he didn't like to be compared to his brother - even if it _was_ just their appearances. Of course, vain as he was, Sirius loved his own good looks, but he preferred to suppress the fact that he had his Black genes to thank for that. 

"I'm sorry, Padfoot," said Remus when he, a little while later, leaned in so only Sirius could hear him. "Please don't be upset. _Of course_ I can tell you apart. I just saw a black-haired bloke of your stature and automatically assumed it was you. I didn't take the time to actually look. I was just so eager to find you. I swear - the second I touched him I realised my mistake!" 

Sirius forced a small smile. "T's okay, Moony. How did he react, anyway?"

Remus leaned back in his seat and snorted. "Well, he didn't say anything, but he basically looked at me like I was a piece of trash..."

"That's it! I'm gonna kill him!" announced Sirius as he sprang to his feet, clenching his hands into fists.

Remus quickly pulled him back down. "It's all right. You don't have to defend my honour, Padfoot - I don't care what he thinks about me."

"But he's a condescending bastard! I won't have him treat my friends like that!" Sirius protested, but sat back down anyway.

"It's okay, really," Remus assured him. "Anyway, you can't exactly blame him, can you? I mean, he must have been quite startled. How would _you_ have reacted if one of _his_ friends had thrown himself at you from behind?"

James let out a loud laughter. "HA! He would have hexed him far into next week!"

"That's different!" Sirius growled between his teeth. 

"If you say so..." said James.

"No, really - Regulus is _always_ like that. He's so damned stuck-up. Views everybody not pureblood as scum not fit to walk this earth. He's a spoiled brat, is what he is."

Remus was mentally kicking himself. How could he have been so daft? Even with his back turned, he should have known it wasn't Sirius. Hadn't he spent enough hours secretly studying every single detail of him? He really should be able to recognise him in any situation. Remus had spent all of 5th and most of 6th year dealing with a desperate crush on his friend. Knowing that nothing could ever happen, he had finally managed to get over it. He still cared very much about him, of course, but in the normal friendly way. 

Remus leaned back and relaxed. He was looking very much forward to this school year. It was going to be so much easier and less stressful than the precious two, now that everything was back to normal with his feelings and his friends.


	2. Claws and Hooves

**Chapter 2 - Claws and Hooves**

Remus hurried down to his first Care of Magical Creatures lesson of the year. He always enjoyed this class. Although he loved reading and studying theory, spending so much time with his face buried in a book, it was refreshing to get outside and do some practical work once in a while. Besides, he liked the animals. He liked how you could be natural around an animal and tell it anything and it would never judge you. You could let your guard down and not worry about it finding out your secrets - which was something Remus in particular enjoyed.

Remus curiously checked out the new students. Care of Magical Creatures class included all N.E.W.T. students, so there were both 6th and 7th years there. To his utter surprise he spotted Regulus Black among the 6th years. Very few Slytherins took COMC because they generally considered that sort of work beneath them. Merlin forbid they should get their hands dirty! Which is also why Remus was particularly surprised to see _Regulus_ , of all Slytherins, there. He looked completely misplaced, standing there in his new, perfectly ironed and pressed uniform. Remus noticed that he was wearing his good cloak instead of a working one that was the obvious choice for this class.

Professor Kettleburn welcomed the class and informed them that in today's lesson they were going to be working with the hippogriffs who needed their claws and hooves trimmed.

"As usual when working with a difficult or potentially dangerous task you will divide into pairs of twos. Since the new 6th years have never trimmed a hippogriff before, they should all partner with 7th years. If you are in doubt about the procedure or incantations, ask me. All right - off you go!"

People quickly started pairing up. Remus noticed that Regulus was standing alone in the background by the fence. He could see that the four other Slytherins had already paired up with each other and left the younger Black brother the odd one out. For some reason, Remus thought he looked so small and lonely and couldn't help feeling sorry for him. He knew that no one from any of the other houses would join up on their own accord with a Slytherin, so Remus decided to volunteer himself.

"Hi," he said, walking over to Regulus. "Do you want to pair up?" he asked, putting on a friendly smile.

Regulus gazed at him for a long time with a blank expression on his face. Just as Remus was starting to think that he wasn't going to get an answer, Regulus shrugged and said airily, "If you want..."

"Remus Lupin," said Remus, holding out his hand, thinking that a proper introduction was in order.

Regulus didn't take his hand. "I _know_ who you are," he sneered. "You're my brother's little pet. Did he let you off your leash today?"

Remus knew that Regulus was arrogant and he had spent plenty of time listening to Sirius raving on about how nasty and obnoxious he could be, but he was taken aback by the comment nevertheless.

"There's no need to be mean," he replied, annoyed with himself for letting the insult get to him. "You could just say no if you don't want me as your partner..." He turned to walk away.

"No, wait," said Regulus. "Let's just do it. It's not like there's anybody else here I'm dying to partner with. I guess you'll do." He sounded like he thought Remus should be honoured by his acceptance.

Remus hesitated for a moment; then he nodded and headed for the gate to the pasture, Regulus at his heels. A line of hippogriffs stood tied to the fence. After bowing to it and getting a bow in return, Remus untied a young chestnut mare and handed the rope to Regulus.

"Before we start - maybe you should take off your clothes, so that -" he stopped mid sentence as he saw the stunned look on Regulus' face and realised what he had just said. "Err... _cloak_ , I said - I meant... not _clothes_ , of course! You should take off your _cloak_ so that you don't risk ripping it or getting it dirty," he said hurriedly while feeling heat rising up his neck and face.

"Are you always this confused, mixing things up?" asked Regulus who had quickly schooled his face back into its usual cool, blank expression.

"Err.. no... yes... well, sometimes..." Remus stammered and then quickly changed the subject: "I'll do the first hoof and set of claws and show you how it's done. Then you can try the other pair, if you like."

Regulus nodded absentmindedly while scratching the hippogriff at the point where the beak joined the feather-clad face.

Remus smiled at Regulus and handed him a handful of dead ferrets. "Okay. Your job is to keep her calm and standing still while I trim her feet. Treat her with a ferret once in a while to reward her for being good.

"Why do _I_ have to hold the dead ferrets?" Regulus sulked, holding the limp mustelids out in a stretched arm as far away from his body as possible.

Remus looked at him with a slight frown. "Because _my_ hands will be full of claws and wand..." He groaned inwardly and thoroughly regretted volunteering, having long forgotten why he ever felt sorry for the Slytherin boy in the first place. He sighed and positioned himself by the hippogriffs shoulder, facing Regulus. "All right. I'll start with the claws," he said, lifting the front leg and carefully resting the foot on his slightly bent knee. "It's VERY important that she holds it completely still while I do it, or I might accidentally cut to deep, and then... well, she might be a bit miffed... - and I'd rather like to finish the day with all my limbs still in place," he added with a grin, hoping to get the other boy to loosen up a bit.

Regulus, however, didn't show any signs of loosening up or thinking Remus was being funny.

Remus went on to demonstrate the spell used for clipping claws - a spell similar to _diffindo_ , the more general severing charm - before starting to apply it to the actual claws. As he clipped the first one, the hippogriff whipped its tail angrily and tried to pull her leg out of Remus' grip.

"Try to calm her down!" he said. "Rub her forehead or behind the ears."

"I _know_ how to appease a hippogriff!" snapped Regulus.

"Okay, okay!" said Remus defensively . "Good. Do it, then."

As he clipped the rest of the claws, he could hear Regulus mumbling soothing words to the animal. It seemed to have the desired effect, because it stood perfectly still, allowing him to finish the foot. _Well, at least he doesn't use that harsh tone on HER_ , Remus thought to himself.

"When trimming the hoofs, the most important part is getting the angle right. Otherwise the hippogriff won't carry itself correctly and it will go lame," Remus explained and showed Regulus the right angle by tracing a finger across the hoof. Then he turned his back to the animal's head, lifted up its hind leg and rested it against his thigh. He bent over and concentrated on the trimming.

When he was done he let go of the hoof and quickly turned around. Regulus' eyes snapped up to meet his face.

_Was he just eying my...? Remus thought. - No, of course he wasn't. You idiot! You really ARE confused, aren't you?_

At the end of the lesson, Remus asked the question he had been itching to get an answer to from the start: "Can I ask what you are doing here, Black?"

"I go to school here, Lupin, if you hadn't already noticed," Regulus answered sardonically.

"You know what I mean! Why this class?"

Regulus shrugged. "Same reason as you, I guess. I like the animals. You can sort of relax around them. Not having to keep up appearance." Then, as if realising he'd said too much, he quickly added in a condescending tone: "you would know all about that, I suppose."

For a second Remus' insides froze to ice. Did he know? He couldn't possibly know! "Wh-what do you mean?" he asked nervously.

"I mean," said the other boy, running his eyes up and down Remus, "it must be a quite nice break for you not having to be embarrassed about that old shabby clothes you always wear."

**o0o0o**

After that first rather - in Remus' opinion at least - unpleasant lesson, Remus had not expected Regulus and himself to pair up in class ever again. But to his astonishment, the younger Black brother walked up to him at the beginning of their next COMC lesson, and started discussing the task at hand, as if automatically assuming that they were permanent partners now.

"We don't _have_ to pair up just because we did the last time, you know," Remus began.

"Do you have a problem with me, Lupin?"

"No! It's fine. _I_ just thought you had a problem with _me_."

Regulus looked at him for a second; then he shrugged and continued talking about the task.

And that's how it stayed. From that day on, Remus and Regulus were steady working partners in COMC class. It would be an overstatement to say that they were on friendly terms, mainly because Regulus kept a cool, emotional distance, but for the most part they cooperated nicely. Regulus still offended Remus with condescending remarks every so often, although these occurrences _did_ become rarer and rarer.

What Remus first noticed about the other teen was how good he was with the creatures, and with how much respect he treated them. He was impressed by his calm attitude and body language.

Regulus' gentle way with the animals couldn't have been more different from that of his brother. Sirius had been a _disaster_ in COMC class. Not because he meant any harm, but because his dramatic and boisterous manners would scare the wits out of half of the creatures and enrage the other half. So, understandably, Professor Kettleburn was extremely relieved when Sirius chose not to proceed to N.E.W.T. level.

In contrast, Regulus conducted himself in perfect harmony with the animals with which they were working. Remus couldn't help admiring how proud and gracefully Regulus carried himself. In fact, much to his embarrassment, he found himself admiring a lot more than just the way he moved. He admired the way his ebony locks fell beautifully around his head and the way he would push his fringe back when it fell into his eyes. He admired his aristocratic and delicate facial features and the way his trousers complimented his fine little bum, and -

_Stop it this instant! Remus scolded himself. I can't believe you! You are NOT just eying up your best friend's little brother! It's weird - it's WRONG._


	3. The Feel of a Thestral

**Chapter 3 - The Feel of a Thestral**

Remus had come to the acknowledgement that he was getting a bit obsessed with Regulus Black. Yes - he was attracted to the handsome and graceful young man; and yes - he found him extremely sexy; but his looks was just part of Remus' fascination with him. 

Regulus was intriguing. Regulus was a mystery. Remus was normally very good at reading people and understanding their motivations and feelings. But Regulus was almost impossible to read. His facial expression was almost always blank, only occasionally alternating between one of haughty coolness, mild disgust, and utter indifference. Sometimes all three at the same time. Remus was sure there was much more to the younger Black brother than what showed, and that his thick facade was hiding something else; and Remus found himself longing to find out what that something else was. 

From his seat in the Great Hall, Remus had a good view of the part of the Slytherin table where Regulus sat - fortunately facing him - and mealtimes gave him an excellent opportunity to study the boy and his interactions with his housemates. He couldn't help reminding himself a bit of a zoologist observing a pack of animals from his cover in the underbrush of the African savannah; and this made him feel slightly guilty. However, as he reasoned, he was just l _ooking_ \- not really spying. It wasn't like he was sneaking up on them or anything. They were putting themselves on public display, there in the middle of the Great Hall - weren't they?

Anyway, during these observations, Remus noted a few remarkable things about Regulus: He rarely talked with anybody, and he never smiled. Now Remus came to think of it, he had never seen Regulus smile. Not once. He always sat with nasty guys like Rosier, Mulciber and Avery, but never joined actively in on their bullying other students, and he didn't laugh at it either. He mostly just looked like it was beneath him to pay it any interest or care about it. Still, the other Slytherins seemed to treat him with respect and some (especially younger ones and/or "less important" ones) even with a hint of fear. Maybe it was his name and social position. Or maybe he was mean to them in a less obvious way.

Millions of questions popped into Remus' mind. How much of Regulus' behaviour, expression and body language was natural and how much was an act? If it _was_ mostly acting - why would he go through so much trouble hiding his real feelings and personality? Was he just a very private person, or did he have his reasons? What had made him this way? What was he thinking about?

Another question that puzzled Remus was why Regulus didn't attract a lot of attention from the girls (or boys, for that matter). After all, he _did_ look a lot like his brother, who was probably the number one heart-throb of Hogwarts. Regulus was beautiful, Remus realised. But he didn't turn everybody's heads whenever he entered a room like Sirius did. Many much less good-looking boys got far more attention than he did. One would have to stop and take a good look at him to notice how handsome he actually was. Remus wondered how that could be.

**o0o0o**

"Hi, Remus."

"Hello, Sally," answered Remus and smiled at the housemate who had just dropped onto the chair next to his in the Great Hall, where he and most of the other N.E.W.T. students were assembled for a study period. 

"Hi, Remus," she repeated in a sweet voice. She wasn't looking at him, though. She was looking in the direction where the other three Marauders were sitting a little further down the table. Remus had distanced himself from them half an hour ago, because they were too restless for him to concentrate properly on his essay. 

"What is it that you want, Sally?" he asked patiently. He knew what was coming; he'd experienced it a million times before. 

"Nothing!" she said hurriedly and opened a book. After a few minutes, however, she gave up pretending to read, and looked directly at Remus.

"Remus - can you get me a date with Sirius?"

Remus chuckled inwardly. "I'm not his agent, Sally. I don't know why everybody seems to think that I am."

"But you're his friend! He listens to you... Can't you ask him?"

"He's not available right now - you must have noticed. He's fooling around with Timothy McFadden these days. They haven't exactly been subtle."

"Ah, well," she said with a wave of her hand, "when he's done with him."  
It was absolutely no secret that Sirius swung both ways. He had never been a very private person and had never felt ashamed about anything he liked or did, so when he had discovered that boys could be just as enticing as girls, he had all but made a public announcement. Remus couldn't help admiring Sirius' boldness and irrepressible self-confidence. He himself still hadn't been able to muster the courage to tell even his closest friends that _he_ was gay.

"Oh, okay. Let me just -" said Remus while fishing out an invisible notebook from his pocket,"- put you down on the list..." He pretended to write on it with an equally invisible quill. "Oh - you're only number 36 in line. Please be patient, Miss - you will receive an owl when it is your turn."

"Don't get fresh with me, Lupin!" she pouted and slapped the back of his head lightly. "I know, I know. I don't have much of a chance, do I. He's just so _handsome_!" she sighed dreamily.

Remus eyed an opportunity to maybe getting some answers to his own speculations. 

"Well, if it's just his looks you're into, why don't you have a go at his brother?"

"Who?" The girl looked like a question mark.

Remus raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "Regulus, of course! It's the only brother he has."

"Oh!" said Sally as it dawned on her. "Right." Her eyes searched the Slytherin table and settled on the person in question. She looked intently at him for quite a long time. 

Remus found himself growing uncharacteristically impatient. "Well?"

"Yeah... I see what you mean. He is very pretty. He really does look like Sirius. I've never noticed before."

"Isn't that strange, though?" asked Remus. "I mean, Sirius can't show his face anywhere without having everybody ogling him in a heartbeat. What's he got that Regulus doesn't?"

"Hmm... Regulus doesn't have his charisma, for starters. Sirius just sort of _shines_ , you know? It's like his whole appearance screams self-confidence and... and _mischief_. It's magnetic."

Remus definitely couldn't deny any of that. Sally really was a rather smart witch.

"But would you go out with him? Regulus, I mean," asked Remus.

"What are you - _his_ agent?" she chuckled.

"NO! Of course not. I'm just... curious."

"No," she said. 

"No, what?"

"No, I wouldn't go out with him."

"Why not?"

"He's a Slytherin," she said matter-of-factly. "Gryffindors can't go out with Slytherins. It's the law. Didn't you know that, Lupin? An unwritten one, anyway."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Okay, let's say that he _wasn't_ a Slytherin. Would you do it then?" 

"Dunno. Probably not. He doesn't exactly look like he's up for any fun, does he?"

**o0o0o**

The early October breeze was toying with the leaves of the trees, that were starting to turn into all sorts of colours, as the group of nine were making their way through the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. Remus was following closely behind Regulus, not missing the opportunity to discretely enjoy the view.

The students had been divided into groups; each with one student who was actually able to see the animals they were looking for. Remus had looked at Regulus in surprise as he raised his hand when Professor Kettleburn asked who had witnessed someone die. 

"Who..." began Remus, stopping momentarily to consider whether it was inappropriate to ask. Difficult as it was for him to refrain from feeding his curiosity to learn more about Regulus, he decided that the Slytherin would have no problem telling him off, if he didn't want to answer, so he went ahead with his question. "Who have you seen die?" he asked in a soft voice, making sure none of the others heard what he said.

"A little nosey, are we, Lupin," the other youth answered in his usual cool tone.

"I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to overstep my boundaries."

Regulus was silent for a moment. Then, to Remus' surprise, he said: "Our mother made us watch one of our house-elves get beheaded."

"Wh-What?" uttered Remus, horrified.

"She thought it was a good life lesson for us," Regulus explained. Remus though he detected a slight bitterness in his voice, but he wasn't sure.

"It's a custom in our family to kill our elves when they get too old to carry a tray."

"That's cruel!" exclaimed Remus, meaning both to the elves and the boys.

"You don't know my mother."

"I didn't think the death of house-elves qualified for making you able to see thestrals."

Regulus stopped and looked at him. "They are sentient, intelligent beings, you know. Although most people tend to forget that."

"Oh - I didn't mean it like that! I know they are. I just didn't think..." he trailed off, felling like an idiot.

After about half an hour's searching, Regulus suddenly stopped. "There," he said.

A stout Hufflepuff named Adrian Abbott, carrying a bag full of raw steaks, stepped up to him. "Where?" he asked excitedly.

"There, in the clearing," replied Regulus, pointing ahead.

Abbott started tossing steaks in the direction he had pointed. Several of the students emitted excited gasps as they watched the pieces of raw meat moving around and disappearing, seemingly on their own accord. Only the sounds of chewing and soft snorts bore evidence of the creatures' presence. 

After a little while, the group started to break up as the lesson was about to end. Regulus stayed where he was, apparently petting one of the thestrals. He turned to Remus and beckoned him over.

"Try and touch it. It feels like thin, smooth leather," he told Remus when he'd joined him. And then he did something that made Remus' heart skip a beat and his breath get stuck in his throat. He took a gentle hold of his wrist and guided his hand up to the thestral's head. Instead of letting go of the hand when it had clearly reached its destination, he proceeded to move it up and down the muzzle - like an adult teaching a toddler how to stroke a pet.

Remus felt dazed. The soft hand on top of his made his skin tingle and heat up. He looked at Regulus in surprise and their eyes locked for a few seconds. Then the younger boy quickly let go of his hand and mumbled something about having to get back to the school. 

To a bystander it would probably have looked like a simple and ordinary gesture, but Remus was pretty sure that Regulus wasn't the kind of person who had a habit of touching others if he could avoid it.

Afterwards, Remus had no idea about what the skin of a thestral felt like, or whether it _was_ , in fact, like touching leather. He was going to have to take Regulus' word for it. He did, however, have a vivid recollection of what said _boy's_ skin felt like.


	4. Dazed and Confused

**Chapter 4 - Dazed and Confused**

For the tenth time Sirius batted away the book Remus was trying to read.

"Padfoot! Will you stop DOING that?"

It was a sunny and unusually warm autumn day, and the foursome were relaxing under the big, old beech tree by the lake. Sirius was lying on his back with his head in Remus' lap, looking up at him with a mischievous grin.

"You shouldn't be reading on a Sunday, Moony - you should rather be looking at ME!"

"Attention seeking mutt," Remus muttered.

Sirius barked and stuck his tongue out, panting like a dog while wriggling closer to Remus.

"Would you mind terribly removing your head from my crotch?" asked the werewolf with feigned politeness. He wasn't too keen on risking having a reaction to the physical contact - which might easily happen, especially if Sirius wouldn't lie _still_.

"Yes, I would actually, since you ask so nicely. I'm rather comfortable where I am. You make a nice pillow," answered the animagus cheekily.

"Padfoot - stop torturing Moony," reprimanded James. "Why are you always badgering him?"

"Well, I can't do it to _you_ , can I? You'd just kick the stuffing out of me!"

"So you take advantage of poor Moony's kind heart..." 

"Exactly!" replied Sirius shamelessly.

"Honestly, Padfoot - you shouldn't be doing this," said Remus.

"Why not?"

"Well, for starters, your boyfriend might get jealous..."

"No, he won't," Sirius said. "We broke it off."

"What? Why?" asked Peter, who hadn't said anything for some time.

"Because of you lads," answered the black-haired boy. "He kept bitching about me prioritizing you over him. I told him that that wasn't going to change, and if he didn't like it, he could just shove off. Which he did."

"I'm sorry," said Remus. "You really shouldn't abort your romantic relationships for the sake of us, you know."

"Of course I should! If it takes a toll on our relationship. The Marauders ALWAYS come first."

"Right!" agreed James. Then he added, a bit nervously: "Me going out with Lily wouldn't take a toll on us, would it?"

Sirius laughed out loud. "The Lily business has been taking a toll on us ever since you first started obsessing over her, Prongs! We've gotten so used to it by now, it would be strange if it stopped." 

"We would never ask you to break it off with her, James. We know how much she means to you," Remus assured him.

James looked relieved. "Thanks lads!"

"Yeah, it's different. It's not like Tim was the love of my life, so I'm not too bothered. Besides -" he continued, "- he gave lousy head."

_"SIRIUS!_ " exclaimed Remus.

"Honestly, Padfoot - I _really_ didn't need that image in my head!" groaned James, while Peter made gagging noises.

Sirius just grinned deviously, taking pleasure in having alarmed his friends so easily.

James elegantly managed to change the subject of conversation to jokes and pranks. Soon Sirius, James and Peter were well into plotting a new scheme against their favourite victims - the Slytherins. 

"You know, James - you really shouldn't be doing this anymore, being Head Boy and all..." commented a frowning Remus, although he had no illusions of James actually listening to him.

"Ah, Moony, don't be so boring. What's the harm in a bit of fun? We aren't going to hurt them or anything."

"That's not the point! You have a responsibility now... and besides, if you started showing a bit of maturity, Lily might actually want to go o- A-A-OUCH!" he yelled as Sirius pinched his inner thigh hard. 

" _Shhh_ , Moony!" Sirius shout-whispered. "Don't play the Lily-card - that's a cheap trick!"

Kind-hearted or not, this time Remus shoved Sirius out of his lap and rubbed his sore thigh. "You git, Padfoot - that's gonna leave a mark!"

"If you two could stop your lovers' spat for a moment, we could get on with the planning," James intervened. "We're going to need some more bulbadox powder... I'm out. What about you?" 

Sirius and Peter both shook their heads.

"Moony?" said James, looking hopefully at Remus.

"NO! And if I HAD any, I wouldn't dream of giving it to you!"

"We'll have to sneak off to Hogsmeade, then, to get some at Zonko's..."

"Right!" agreed Sirius and pushed himself to his feet. "Let's go right away."

"You coming, Moony?" asked Peter.

"What do you think?" answered Remus dryly.

**o0o0o**

Remus stayed at the spot by the beech tree a couple of hours, reading. He was just about to get up, due to a cold backside, to go back to the castle when he spotted something green in the distance, soaring through the air. He shaded his eyes with his hand and squinted against the sun, trying to make out what it was. As he suspected, it was someone on a broom, dressed in, judging by the colour, what could only be Slytherin quidditch robes. The flyer looked rather small and graceful, so, due to the fact that all the others on the Slytherin quidditch team were large and bulky, this could only be either their captain, Lucinda Talkalot, or Regulus Black. Remus was rather hoping it would the latter. He considered getting up and sneak closer so he could get a better look.

It turned out that he didn't have to bother moving, because the flyer changed direction and came closer to where he was sitting. Soon he could make out the black hair, fluttering behind him, and the snitch he was chasing. Remus stared at him, mesmerised. Quidditch had never really interested him, and he didn't know much about it. He did, however, know that Regulus was a very good seeker; he had often listened to James' moaning about how he was the main reason they had such a hard time beating the Slytherin team. 

He watched in awe how Regulus skillfully and with impressive agility swooped, turned and dived in his attempts to catch the snitch. And then it happened: as the seeker flew too close to a tree, a branch caught a snippet of his robes, and he was torn off his broom. Remus only saw him fall towards the ground because the hills and bushes cut off his view of the landing. 

He immediately got up and set off in the direction where Regulus had disappeared from view. He felt a slight panic flutter in his chest. He couldn't make out how far the fall must have been, since he couldn't see the ground below the tree. What if it was a long way down? What if Regulus was seriously injured? What if he'd broken his neck or something? He told himself that he was overdramatizing, but nevertheless he heaved a sigh of relief when he saw that the boy didn't lie splattered on the ground.

The fall hadn't been too far, and Regulus was sitting with his legs bent in front of him, holding a hand to his temple, his forehead resting on his knees. When Remus came running up to him, he raised his head to look at him. 

The Gryffindor came to a halt a few yards in front of him. Breathing hard from the run, he bent forward and supported his weight with his hands on his knees. "You scared me there, mate!" he panted. "Are you all right?"

Regulus blinked several times, looking dazed. "Where... what happened to the snitch?"

"The _snitch_?" Remus looked at him in disbelief. "Bugger the _snitch_ \- what happened to _you_ , is the question!"

"No - I'm fine. Really. I've had worse. It's nothing..."

"You're bleeding," pointed Remus out, looking at the blood that was trickling down the right side of Regulus' face from a cut at his hairline.

"Oh..." he said, sounding slightly surprised. He lifted his hand to his face, but Remus stopped it with his. 

"Here," said Remus, "let me." He found a handkerchief in a pocket and kneeled down in front of the other boy. "It's not deep," he said, inspecting the cut. "It has almost stopped bleeding already." He pressed the handkerchief to the cut and asked, "does it hurt?"

"No," Regulus said hurriedly, although winching a little.

Remus started carefully wiping the blood and dirt off of the younger boy's face. Although fixing his gaze on the task at hand, he couldn't avoid noticing Regulus' grey eyes staring at him. He suddenly felt very bashful as he became aware of how close their faces were. He could feel shallow puffs of warm breath on his cheek, and he had to swallow hard to keep himself composed. He willed his eyes not to look into Regulus', but they were like magnets and when their eyes locked, he found that he couldn't look away again. 

Before realising what was happening, Regulus had leant in and pressed his lips lightly to his. It felt like a strong electric current ran through Remus and stopped his heart with a jolt. _What if it doesn't start again?_ he thought with a brief feeling of panic. _You're being an idiot - your heart hasn't stopped! You don't get cardiac arrest from a kiss!_ his rational self informed him.

His body obviously didn't need his brain's attention in order to work, because he discovered that his mouth was acting on its own, kissing back. The other boy's lips were so incredibly soft and moist, and Remus wanted to taste more. He pushed his tongue gently against those delicious lips, and Regulus opened his mouth and met him with his own tongue. The first sensation of electricity was nothing compared to the shivers the feeling of Regulus' tongue rubbing against his sent down his spine all the way to his feet.

The kiss probably lasted about a minute, although Remus wouldn't have been able to tell. They broke apart and Remus' eyes fluttered open to see the other boy staring back at him with a look of bewilderment.

"What the _bloody hell_ was that?" Regulus exclaimed in an almost whisper. He touched his hand to his lips as if to feel that they were really there.

"I... I don't know - you started it!" Remus shot back, not understanding why Regulus was being so strange.

They sat and stared awkwardly at each other for a moment. Then, suddenly, Regulus hooked his hands behind Remus' head and urgently crashed their mouths together again. Remus responded immediately with equal intensity. He splayed a hand over Regulus' cheek and let his other hand's fingers tangle in his black locks. The kiss quickly became more and more passionate and when Regulus frantically pulled at Remus to bring him closer, he tipped over backwards, bringing Remus down with him. Remus let out a gasp as he felt hands slipping under the hem of his shirt and up his back. He felt a fresh pang of arousal run through him and grinded against the boy beneath him.

All of a sudden Regulus stiffened and the second later he was pushing Remus away rather harshly. "Get OFF of me!" he hissed.

Remus sat back with a thud and gaped in bafflement at the Slytherin, who stumbled to his feet and backed away from him. His eyes were wild with panic and his pupils so dilated that there was almost nothing of the grey left.

"What's wrong?" he tried.

"I... gotta go," Regulus mumbled.

"But your head! We should go see Madam Pomfrey..."

"No!" said Regulus as he turned and scuttled away, leaving his broom behind. "Don't follow me!" he shouted back over his shoulder.

Remus was left sitting on the ground, his feelings a complete mess of confusion, arousal, bliss and guilt. What on earth had just happened? He had obviously scared the wits out of the younger boy. _But he was the one who initiated! Both times!_ a part of him protested. _You should have stopped it,_ another part argued. _He was bemused. He just bumped his head, for Godric's sake! You should have known better. You exploited him!_


	5. Self Control

**Chapter 5 - Self Control**

Remus felt awful in the days following the kissing incident. First of all, he was very confused. Why had Regulus acted so strangely? Remus had many theories, each as unlikely as the next. Was he afraid? Why had he even kissed him in the first place, then? Was it a test? Was it some sort of sick joke? Did he feel disgusted with Remus now?

Worst of all - he felt terribly guilty because of Sirius. How could he do something like this to his best friend? He knew perfectly well that Sirius would be both hurt and angry if he found out what had happened - and even more so if he knew how much Remus _still_ wanted his brother. Because, ashamed as he was, the incident had only added fuel to his crush on Regulus. He couldn't stop thinking about him, and every time he thought of them kissing, he felt a flutter in his stomach and a pounding in his chest.

Remus finally came to the conclusion that he had to talk to the Slytherin about what had happened. He needed to sort this out, and thought that maybe Regulus needed that, too. However, this was easier said than done, as Remus had barely seen a glimpse of him since the incident. The boy was obviously avoiding him. He had skived off Care of Magical Creatures lessons as well as a prefect meeting. He didn't even turn up in the Great Hall for meals. Either he ate in the kitchens or he had friends bring him back food, Remus reasoned. The problem was that if Regulus didn't want to face him, there was not much Remus could do about it. It wasn't as if he could just walk down to the Slytherin Dungeon and ask the first student he met to let him in, so he could pay Black a visit.

**o0o0o**

Remus had just exited the Great Hall after dinner when he was suddenly gripped by his robes and pulled into an empty classroom. He let out a yelp of surprise but was silenced by a finger to his lips. He stared into the grey eyes of the person who had monopolised his thoughts for the last four days.

"Lupin..." Regulus began. "I..." And then he captured Remus' lips and kissed him.

Remus was stunned for a few seconds, but then he came to his senses and pushed the other boy back.

"Are you going to freak out on me again?"

Regulus bit his lip and looked away. "N-no. I just -"

"Then what the fuck happened the other day? Why did you run away like that?"

"Sorry about that... I guess I got scared."

"What - scared of me?"

"No. Scared of myself. I... I didn't understand what was happening with me!"

Remus calmed down a bit. At least he didn't have to feel guilty any longer. "And you do now?"

He shook his head. "I think I might be going crazy, or something."

"You're not going crazy, Regulus. Didn't you ever suspect that you might be gay?"

Regulus stared at Remus as if he had just suggested that he sprout antlers. "NO! Of course not! There's no way. I can't be - I'm a Black! We don't... we aren't..."

"Your brother is bi," said Remus quietly.

"That's different. He's not... he's not like the rest of us. He's a freak!"

Remus would have been angry with him for insulting Sirius, if it wasn't for the fact, that he felt sorry for the obviously very confused boy.

"There's nothing wrong with being gay. It's not some sort of illness, you know. There are gay people in all social groups and in all families."

"Not ours."

"Don't be daft. Of course there are. Although I wouldn't be surprised if it was hushed up."

Remus could see Regulus' eyes getting that wild look they'd had after their last kiss, so he was prepared when he suddenly bolted for the door. Remus quickly caught him by his ropes and pulled him back. "Oh, no you don't! You can't just keep running away from it. You're not leaving until we sort this out!"

"Why are you DOING this to me?" Regulus hissed.

"Doing what?"

"Making me all..." he searched for the words, "... all gooey and... _wanting_ you."

"I'm not doing anything!"

"Whatever it is - STOP it! I'm not interested."

"I'm not DOING anything!" Remus repeated, increasingly frustrated.

Regulus frowned and contemplated him for a minute. "Maybe it's because you look so effeminate..."

"HEY! Take a look at yourself - you're no more manly than I am."

"Well, I'm younger than you!"

"A year - big deal."

"I'm just trying to explain why I'm attracted to you!"

Remus sighed and rubbed his eyes with his palms. "Regulus... It's very simple. You're attracted to me because you're gay."

"NO!"

"Have you ever fancied a girl?"

"N-no... I don't think so."

"I rest my case."

Remus couldn't help but notice the agony in the other boy's eyes, and he suspected that he was struggling to hold back tears. "Come here," he said in a soft voice, and pulled him into a hug. Regulus accepted and they stood like that for a while.

Then Remus pulled back and looked at him. "It's okay. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

Regulus shook his head. "You don't understand. Being gay is almost as bad as being a mudblood!"

Remus bit back his urge to scold the younger boy for using the M-word and the contemptuous tone in which he had. He reminded himself that he was probably just repeating what had been preached at home.

After a short silence Regulus spoke again. "I'd like to... maybe we could... try going out for a while?"

"I thought you said you weren't gay."

"I'm not! Just... just to find out for sure." Regulus rested his forehead against Remus' and looked shyly into his eyes. He tentatively brought a hand up to caress his cheek.

Remus grabbed his wrist and stopped it. "Regulus - we... we can't do this."

"Why not?"

"Because of Sirius."

Regulus stepped back and sighed. "Of course. You're together! It's so obvious. How could I be so stupid?"

"What - NO!" Remus uttered, taken aback.

Regulus quirked an eyebrow. "Really? You're always all over each other..."

"No, really. We're just friends. And he's always been very... physically affectionate. We're very close, the four of us."

Regulus hummed, not sounding convinced. "Well, if that's not the problem, then what is?"

"You know very well how he feels about you. He'd be devastated if we got together. I just can't do that to him."

"He doesn't have to know."

Remus shook his head. "I don't want to lie to him."

Regulus groaned. "Typical. Even when we've got no more to do with each other, he still manages to make my life miserable."

"Before you get yourself worked up about Sirius, think about what mess it would get you into. What would happen if your house mates found out? - That not only are you going out with a boy, but a Gryffindor, and not just any Gryffindor, but a Marauder? Do you think they'd be thrilled? Do you think they'd say: 'Way to go, Black! Nice catch, Black!'"

Regulus looked shocked and swallowed hard. "Oh, Merlin, no! That can't happen! They'd tell my parents!"

"Exactly," said Remus dryly.

"So what do we do?"

"Nothing. We just go on as usual." Then he added, "If you need someone to talk to about your new situation, just come to me, okay? I know how difficult it can be to get to terms with. But we can't kiss or touch or anything like that."

**o0o0o**

The plan to keep hands and other body parts away from each other lasted for two whole days. As luck would have it, in Friday's COMC lesson they found themselves alone behind a shed, tending to some newly hatched salamanders. The fire in the nest had to be kept at an even temperature for the hatchlings to thrive and grow.

Remus wasn't sure how it had happened, but one moment they were stirring the fire, and the next, Remus had Regulus pressed against the wall of the shed. They were panting and clawing at each other's clothes when a loud crack from the fire startled them, causing them to jump away from each other.

"Bloody hell!" gasped Regulus, trying to catch his breath. "Have you no self control?"

"I..." Remus was at a loss for words. He had never, ever been accused of lacking self control. He was the _master_ of self control, for crying out loud! And yet, here he was. "I don't know why I did that! I'm sorry!" he replied. Then, on second thought, he added, "Why did you go along with it?"

"I..." Now it was Regulus' turn to be dumbstruck. "I... I don't know! It felt right..."

Remus nodded, knowing exactly what he meant. "Well, we can't slip up again. Let's just get back to the fire and forget that it happened, okay?"

Everything went fine until Remus once again found himself wrapped up in the other boy, kissing him passionately. Coming to his senses, he pushed him away. "Reg- STOP! We... _shit_. Why does this keep happening?"

Regulus buried his face in his hands and groaned. "Fuck! This can't go on."

"Right. Obviously we can't handle being near each other. Especially not alone together!"

Regulus nodded. "What are we going to do?"

"We'll just have to stay away from each other."

"I'll quit Care of Magical Creatures. You've already got a year of your NEWT. I can catch up in another subject."

"No! Don't do that. It's nice of you to offer, but I don't think it'll be necessary. We can just tell Professor Kettleburn that we are fighting and that he has to pair us up with someone else."

"Okay. I really liked working with you, though," said Regulus quietly.

"Me too," smiled Remus. "A little too much, obviously."

"What about prefect meetings?"

"I reckon they'll be okay. There will be other people. We just can't sit next to each other."

When the lesson ended, they parted ways. They stood looking at each other for a long time before Regulus finally managed to tear himself away.

Remus' chest tightened painfully as he watched him walking away. He cursed inwardly. _Why_ , of all people, did he have to go and fall for the _one_ person that was completely off limits? He couldn't possibly have picked anyone that his friends would disapprove of more. He had a feeling that even _Snivellus_ would be more acceptable to them. He shuddered violently at the disgusting thought of himself with a half-naked Snape. _Ugh! Quickly - think about something else! Something nice... something...Regulus...yes, much better... half-naked... no - all naked... NO! Get a GRIP, Lupin!_ he scolded himself.


	6. Prefects and Tantrums

**Chapter 6 - Prefects and Tantrums**

 

_I made a promise by the side of the road  
That I would bury my Goddamn halo..._

_I got a heart made of black linen  
I got a heart full of black_

\- "Heart Full of Black," Burning Brides

 

Being separated from Regulus, and the decision that nothing could ever happen between them, hurt a lot more than Remus had imagined it would. It wasn't just lust - although that was certainly strong. There was also something else, something on a deeper emotional level. He missed him. A week had gone by now, and Remus felt more miserable every day. He wished that they did not have to cut all ties, that they could still be together in COMC, for instance. He would be happy just to be able to be near him and talk to him like they had before. But of course he couldn't. His stupid teenage hormones would not give him that pleasure.

Remus had to control his urge to run up to the younger Black brother every time he saw him. The closer he was, the harder it was to resist the temptation. Regulus now sat at the end of the Slytherin table, as far away from the Marauders as possible, and he was facing the other way, so that their eyes wouldn't accidentally meet. A part of Remus wished that he wouldn't, so he could enjoy watching his handsome face. But of course he knew that it would only make things even more difficult.

More than once Remus caught himself studying Sirius, daydreaming and comparing his traits to his brother's. They almost had the same dark grey eyes, framed by the same thick lashes. They had the same high cheekbones and smooth skin. And that _mouth_ -

"What's up, Moony? See something you like?" asked Sirius, a playful smile pulling at his lips.

"N-no! I was just lost in thoughts. Didn't even notice you there..." He could tell from the smirk on Sirius' face that he didn't believe him one bit.

"Yeah? To me it definitely looked like you were admiring the view."

"Oh it did, did it?" snapped Remus. "Well I wasn't! Not everybody in the whole world swoon over your pretty face, you know! Some of us have better things to do!"

Sirius' jaw dropped, and Peter and James turned to look at Remus with equal looks of astonishment. Remus very rarely talked to his friends - or anyone for that matter - in that tone, and this had been completely uncalled for. Sirius really hadn't deserved that, and Remus knew it. It was not right to take his frustrations out on him.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "I'm just in a foul mood today."

**o0o0o**

Remus' mood did not improve as they day went by. If anything it worsened.

At the evening's prefect meeting Lily excitedly announced that the Head Girls and -Boys had decided to change the routine of dividing patrol duty between the houses, and instead pair each prefect up with a prefect from another house. The idea was that this would strengthen the cross-house cooperation, and also prevent biased decisions on point deduction.

Several of the prefects moaned their disapproval of this new arrangement. Remus didn't mind. That is - until he was informed that his new partner was Regulus Black. He shot a glance across the room and noted that said Slytherin turned quite pale.

At the end of the meeting Remus cornered Lily.

"Lily - Regulus can't be my partner. You'll have to give me another."

Lily looked at him in surprise. "Why, Remus? You always get along with everyone. That's why I paired you up with him! You know that Slytherins are unpopular with the other students. I was counting on you to not make a fuss about it."

"Then give me ANOTHER Slytherin!"

"What's wrong with Black?"

"Nothing! It's just that... Sirius wouldn't like it." Remus immediately knew that he had made a mistake using _that_ argument. If there was one person that got on Lily's nerves more than James, it was Sirius.

"I'm sure he will get over it," she said, dryly. "If you think I'm going to let Black dictate my Head Girl planning, you are sorely mistaken!"

"Lily, _please_. I never ask anything of you. Please do this one thing for me!" begged Remus.

"I'm sorry. Don't you see - if I let _you_ switch, other people will _also_ want to, and then it'll be chaos."

"Don't... just make up an excuse, then!"

Lily shook her head. "I can't, Remus. I'm sorry, but that's final. Don't look so sulky. I'm sure you two will get along just fine. I think he is much nicer than you give him credit for. He's a very dutiful prefect - always does what is expected of him. Unlike his brother, might I add."

"Lily..." Remus took a deep, calming breath and tried to not let his desperation show. He wasn't very successful. "Don't you get it? I DON'T. WANT. TO WORK. WITH REGULUS BLACK!"

Lily looked at him in shock. " _Remus!_ What's _with_ you today?"

"Nothing's _with_ me! Are you going to let me switch or not?"

"No! I already told you why. And a temper tantrum isn't going to change my mind!"

"Fine!" growled Remus and marched off, kicking a dustbin on his way out.

**o0o0o**

"Are you mental? If Evans said no to _you_ , there's no way she'll let _me_ have a say in this!"

"You're Head Boy! You've got as much authority as she has!"

"She was the one in charge of the matching. _She_ made that decision."

"Then override it!"

James shook his head. "It'd be disrespectful, and you know that, Moony. Why is this such a big problem, anyway?"

"You KNOW why! Would YOU like to be paired up with a Slytherin?"

James wrung his hands. "No... but you never seem to have a problem working with anyone..."

"That's just because I'm being diplomatic! It doesn't have to mean I enjoy it!"

"You're always the one going on about us being too hard on them."

"That doesn't mean I like them!"

"I'm really sorry, Moony. I just... I can't help you out here."

"You can't or you won't?"

"I'm finally starting to get on Lily's good side, and I'd really like to stay there."

"Since when have we sacrificed our friends for the sake of a fling?"

"I'm not 'sacrificing' you! And she's not just a fling! You KNOW that! Don't you think you're overreacting, just a bit?"

"You're not just doing this to me - think about Padfoot. You know he's going to hate it!"

"Well, he might not be thrilled." James looked down at his shoes and bit his lip. "But he'll get used to it. You're just doing your prefect duty. It's strictly professional. He'll understand."

"No, he won't! He'll hate it! And so will I!"

"Remus, take it easy! I'll talk to Padfoot. It'll be okay, I promise."

"You can be such an ARSE sometimes, Potter!"

**o0o0o**

Remus was awfully ashamed of himself. In just one day he had had a go at three of his best friends - none of whom had deserved it. They had no way of knowing what difficulties they were putting him through. James and Lily were right - under normal circumstances he _wouldn't_ have minded too much being paired up with a Slytherin. Hell, he had even _volunteered_ to do it in Care of Magical Creatures at the start of term!

It was just that it all seemed so hopeless now. He had enough problems staying away from Regulus as it was. Now he was going to spend several hours, two days a week alone with him. Oh, this was going to kill him.

**o0o0o**

"It's ironic, isn't it? If we were seeing each other, this would be the perfect opportunity for us to spend some quality time together. Wandering the hallways all alone, checking empty classrooms and deserted stairways... No one to bother us -"

"Be quiet, Black!" hissed Remus. But his disobedient mind was already picturing the two of them snogging heavily against a pillar in one of those empty hallways.

"It's equally ironic that we are paired up boy-boy and girl-girl to avoid tempting us to indulge in indecent behaviour..." Regulus continued.

"Yes, it's hilarious," Remus commented dryly.

They had agreed to concentrate on staying out of reaching distance of each other while moving about the castle. So far they were managing all right. Remus looked at his watch and found, to his disappointment, that only half an hour had gone by. One and a half to go, then, and he was already getting tired. This had to be the most agonizing patrol he had ever done, and he could look forward to two of these every week, for Godric knows how long. He was actually starting to toy with the idea of giving up prefect duty altogether. The biggest problem with that would of course be that he would have to come up with a very good explanation for such a decision.

Suddenly Remus thought he heard a noise, and stopped abruptly. Regulus had been walking a few yards behind Remus, probably lost in his own thoughts, because he didn't notice that Remus had stopped until he bumped into him. He uttered an "umph" and Remus felt his chin bump against the back of his head.

Both boys stood frozen. _Oh shit_ , thought Remus. He could feel shallow puffs of breath ghost over the back of his neck. He closed his eyes and clutched his hands into fist, his nails digging painfully into his palms, willing himself to stand his ground. Oh, how he wanted Regulus to take a step closer and plant his perfect lips on his neck.

Instead he put a hand on his shoulder and turned him around to face him. He swallowed hard. "L-Lupin... We... I..."

Remus sighed heavily. "I'm so tired, Regulus."

"Tired?"

"I'm sick of this. It's wearing me out..."

"Me too. We could... maybe... I mean - what if we forgot about the risk for just a little while? I never take risks. Maybe it's about time I try."

"Your reason for not doing this might be fear, but mine is my conscience."

"Didn't he ever do something to hurt _you_?"

Remus remembered the infamous willow-incident two years ago. "Well y-yes, but -"

"Then what's the problem? Don't you want to get back at him?"

"No! I'm not _like_ that. He didn't do it on purpose, and he was very remorseful."

"I doubt it, knowing him..."

"Don't talk about him like that."

"Sorry," mumbled Regulus, not sounding too convincing.

They were silent for a moment. Then Regulus spoke again. "It's just that... I can't stop thinking about you. It's not going away. I thought that if we could be together for a short while. Just to try it. Get it out of our systems..."

"Yeah... get it out of our systems. Maybe that would work..." A small voice in Remus' mind screamed its protest, waving a red flag, but he did his best to ignore it.

_Even if it does work, it'd still be wrong. You're still betraying Sirius._

_The damage is already done! I've already kissed him, how many times? Three? Four? A few more wouldn't make that much of a difference, would it?_

"Hello? You in there?" The other boy was waving a hand in front of his face.

"I... I really don't know. I don't think that -"

Regulus took a step closer and splayed a hand over his cheek. Remus looked, mesmerised, into those alluring eyes.

"Remus. Please."

And that did it for Remus. It was the first time Regulus had called him by his first name. He so wanted to do this. And why shouldn't he? He was sick and tired of always being the good boy, _always_ doing the right thing. Why couldn't he, for once, do something that was wrong? When had he last done that? He honestly couldn't remember. And even if he hadn't meant any harm, Sirius _had_ betrayed him. Remus had forgiven him almost instantly, even though it hurt. And it wasn't as if what he was going to do would put anyone's life at risk (well, maybe Regulus' - but he went into this knowingly). To hell with it!

"Okay. But just for a short while..."

"Yeah?" A big smile spread across the other boy's face, making him look absolutely gorgeous.

"You're smiling," whispered Remus.

Regulus lifted an eyebrow.

"I've never seen you smile before." Remus could feel his own face split into an even bigger grin.

"I guess I only smile when there's something to smile about."

**o0o0o**

Remus dragged Regulus into an alcove. It would be too risky standing in the middle of the corridor.

Now that there was no longer anything restraining them, the vehemence of their last encounters was gone. Instead they were both suddenly shy and hesitant.

"So... what do we...?"

"Er..."

"Well..."

They awkwardly bumped noses when they tried to kiss. This happened three times, because they kept tilting their heads to the same side. Finally Remus steadied Regulus' head with his hands and pressed his lips to his. And _OH_ \- that felt so _good_ and so right that the awkwardness vanished instantly. Remus' eyes had fluttered closed and he focused solely on feeling. Lips moved softly against each other, and then the tips of their tongues came into contact as they both opened their mouths slightly. Remus threaded his fingers through Regulus' hair, and he, in turn, slowly let his hands slide down Remus' sides, finally settling on his hips.

"Mmm..." Regulus hummed.

"What?" murmured Remus, not bothering to detach his lips from the other boy's.

"So good..."

"Mmm..."

They kept kissing at a slow pace, tentatively experimenting with each other's tongues and lips. Remus felt Regulus shiver when he gently sucked his lower lip into his mouth and licked it. He started rubbing small circles with his index finger on his neck, enticing Regulus to do the same with his thumbs on his hips.

After a good while they stepped away from each other to check the time.

"Oh - it's already 10.30..." said Regulus, looking at his watch.

Remus sighed. "We should finish up, then. We have to be back on time."

"Pity."

"Yeah. But we have patrol again the day after tomorrow."

As Regulus walked away, he blew Remus a kiss and mouthed "see you".

Remus couldn't help himself waving and grinning stupidly.


	7. Muggles and Dirty Half-Bloods

**Chapter 7 - Muggles and Dirty Half-Bloods**

"It's been a long 46 hours," Regulus murmured into Remus' mouth.

"Mmm," Remus agreed and snaked his arms around Regulus' waist to pull him closer while allowing him to deepen the kiss. Soon he became bolder and lowered his hands to the firm bum that felt just as good as it looked - or maybe even better. Regulus clearly liked the attention, because he responded by pushing his hips forward against Remus. Remus gasped at the sudden contact with the other boy's hardness.

Regulus pulled back and eyed questioningly.

"N-no - don't stop! It's nice."

A smile quirked his lips and he pushed back into Remus, pressing him against the wall behind him.

Remus let his lips wander along Regulus' jaw and down to his neck where he kissed and gingerly licked at the skin. Regulus hummed and tilted his head back, making his neck more accessible. Remus felt a hand clutching his hair and another worming its way under the hem of his shirt. The feel of fingertips running over his bare skin sent tingles through his entire body. He could feel his trousers getting tighter at the front and he started meeting Regulus with rolls of his own hips.

In no time the boys were breathing heavily, hands enthusiastically roaming each other's bodies as they grinded against each other. Remus stifled a moan in his throat and threw back his head as he came, bumping it against the wall, and Regulus followed shortly after, his face buried in Remus' shoulder.

Remus felt giddy and slightly embarrassed. Regulus seemed to mirror the same emotions as he awkwardly pecked Remus on the cheeks. Then they kissed a bit before sitting down next to each other, leaning back against the wall.

"Where did you learn to kiss like that?" asked Remus after a short while.

Regulus looked at him curiously. "Like what?"

"Either you're a natural or you've had quite a bit of practise." Remus could swear that he detected a hint of a blush on Regulus' face.

"Oh... I haven't really..."

"You've never kissed anyone before?" Remus supposed he wasn't too surprised. The boy had a natural grace to his every movement and everything he did was performed with agility and finesse. So it seemed only logical that he would kiss the same way.

"Well, yeah. A couple of girls. Nothing special. I didn't like it much."

"Then why did you do it? - If you didn't like it, I mean."

Regulus shrugged. "They expected it."

"Do you always do what's expected of you?"

"No. It's just... they asked me on a date, so I felt I had to."

"And judging from the way you reacted when we first kissed, I don't even have to ask you if you ever kissed another boy."

"Right," Regulus laughed. "Actually that's part of what scared me. How much I liked it. With you it was... just... _wow_. Nothing like kissing a girl. So how about you? How far have you gone with another bloke? Besides me."

"Oh, not far. All I've done is a bit of snogging with a muggle this summer."

Regulus eyed him with an expression of disbelief and disgust." A _muggle_? You kissed a _muggle_?" His hand made a quick sweeping motion across his lips.

Remus narrowed his eyes. "Did you just wipe your mouth because you've snogged someone who kissed a muggle _months_ ago?"

"N-no. It's just that... a _muggle_ , Remus. Honestly! That's below you! It's revolting."

Remus got up, his hands clutching into fists. "I can't believe you! I thought... I don't know what I thought. Sometimes I forget who you are."

"But -"

"I can't do this, Regulus. There's so much wrong with the two of us being together. We should never have done it in the first place." He left the room and marched down the corridor, away from the other boy.

Regulus got up and went after Remus, half running. "No, Remus! Don't do this! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it."

"Yes, you did!" Remus said, not bothering to stop or look at him. "That's _exactly_ how you feel. And I just can't be involved with someone that prejudiced."

"Remus, STOP!" he cried, grabbing Remus' robes and jerking him to a halt. Remus turned around, glaring at him.

"I didn't mean it. I don't... I don't really hate muggles. Hell - I don't even _know_ any. I'm just..."

"- repeating what everybody around you say," Remus finished.

"I..."

"It's allowed to think for oneself, Regulus. Did you ever consider that?"

"I... I will! I'll say whatever you want me to say. Just don't abandon me. Please!" He gripped Remus' hand and looked at him with the most pleading eyes.

Remus swallowed hard. That look scarily resembled the puppy dog eyes his brother mastered to perfection, and Remus had never been able to resist those. "I... I don't want you to say something just because _I_ want you to. I want you to say what you truly mean - or don't say it at all."

"Please give me another chance. I'll be good." Regulus took hold of Remus' face and kissed him sincerely.

Remus felt his last resistance melt away. _Sly bastard. Tell him that he's a great kisser, and he uses it against you._

"Well, all right," he sighed resignedly. "Just... just think before you  
speak, yeah?"

**o0o0o**

Remus entered the dormitory to find the others already in bed and asleep, except for Sirius who was sitting in his pyjamas, cross-legged on Remus' bed. Apparently he had been waiting up for him. Remus sent him an inquisitive look.

"Hey," said Sirius in a soft voice. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," said Remus, feeling a bit uncomfortable. What did he want to talk about? Had he found out? No - he couldn't possibly have. He wouldn't be so calm if he had. "Let me just get ready for bed, okay?"

"Sure."

Ten minutes later Remus returned from the bathroom and climbed onto his bed where he sat down facing the other Marauder. Sirius shut the curtains with a swish of his wand and mumbled a Muffliato spell.

"So..." he began casually. "How was prefect duty?"

"All right. Nothing special."

Sirius nodded slowly. After a short break, he continued: "How is it - doing it with _him_?"

Remus shrugged, trying to look calm and indifferent. "It's okay. Not as bad as I feared when I first heard that I was going to work with him."

"Is he... is he giving you a hard time?"

"No, it's okay. He behaves himself most of the time."

"He's not putting you down? Constant condescending remarks?"

"A bit in the beginning. But now he's mostly polite."

"You sure? I know how he is, Moony. You don't have to protect him."

"No, really. It's fine."

"What do you do?"

Remus felt his stomach twist in guilt. "We patrol the corridors, Padfoot. That's what late night prefect duty is. You know that. I've been doing it for two years." _Oh - and we also snog and have sex, by the way, but that's a minor detail,_ he added grimly to himself.

"Yeah, but not with him."

"It makes no difference."

"What do you talk about?"

"We don't do a lot of talking, really..."

"You walk together for two hours. You must be talking about something."

"Well, this and that. Nothing serious."

"Do you... do you ever talk about me?"

"Not much. I certainly don't bring you up."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to listen to him bad-mouthing you."

"He does that?"

Remus gave him an irritable look. "What do you _think_ , Sirius?"

"What does he say?"

"You know - the usual. That you're a blood-traitor and a bully. Things like that."

"Stupid prat."

"Yeah, well - it's not like you don't do the same..."

"Do what?"

"Bad-mouth _him_."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Are you sticking up for him?"

"No!" Remus said hurriedly. "It just gets old listening to the two of you. You sound like a broken record, slandering each other."

The hurt look in Sirius' eyes made Remus regret what he had just said. "I'm sorry, Padfoot. Of course I'm on your side. You know that. I just have to try and keep it diplomatic if this prefect business is going to work. If I start fighting with him it will be hell. I don't want any trouble."

Sirius contemplated him for a long time. Then he reached out to tug a stray strand of Remus' hair behind his ear. "Sorry, Moony. I'm sorry you have to endure this."

"It's okay. Just don't make a big deal out of it, yeah?"

"All right. I'll try. It's just strange for me, you know?"

"I know."

**o0o0o**

Remus had just come out from his Friday afternoon Arithmancy class, his arms full of books, when he spotted three Slytherins strolling down the corridor towards him. He recognised one of them as his new boyfriend. When they passed, Regulus made a show of bumping into him so roughly that he stumbled backwards and landed on his backside with a thud.

"Watch where you're going, you dirty half-blood!" Regulus snarled. Rosier and Avery, who were walking next to him, burst into a malicious laugher that could still be heard when they disappeared around the corner of the corridor.

When Remus picked up his scattered books, he discovered a small folded piece of parchment. He quickly looked over his shoulder to check that nobody was watching him and, still sitting on the floor, unfolded the note. Written in Regulus' neat handwriting was: _Meet me at the Stone Circle in 15 minutes._

Remus briefly considered swinging by the Gryffindor Tower to grab a warmer cloak - it was late October, after all, and quite chilly outside - but he decided he didn't have time if he was to be at the Stone Circle in just 15 minutes.

**o0o0o**

Regulus wasn't there when Remus arrived. Ten minutes passed, and still no Regulus. Remus started to wonder what could have happened. Regulus, like himself, was always very punctual.

Finally he came striding up the hill. "Sorry I'm late. Had to shake Sergius and Evan."

When he reached Remus he pulled him in for a thorough kiss.

"Sorry about what I said in the corridor," he said when he finally let Remus go. "It was just for show."

"I know," Remus smiled warmly. "So - did you just lure me out here to snog me senseless?"

"Isn't that a good enough reason?" Regulus grinned. "No, actually I wanted to show you something."

"Yeah? What is it?"

"You'll see..." he smirked, looking secretive.

Remus followed Regulus down the rough stone steps in the direction of Hagrid's hut. Before reaching it he trailed off to the left and walked along the edge of the forest until he got to the paddocks and stables.

"Just wait till you see this! Kettleburn told me about it this morning." He opened the latch to one of the barns where students were not allowed to enter unless they had special permission.

"Reg!" Remus held him back with a hand on his shoulder. "We can't go in here. You know that!"

Regulus turned to look at him. "I told you - it's all right. I'm allowed in here."

"You _are_? How? Why?"

"I come down here a lot to help out with the animals. To have some peace. Get away from everything, you know. It can get quite stuffy in the common room."

"Oh."

They entered the barn and closed the gate behind them. As they neared an enclosure at the far end, Regulus suddenly stopped Remus with a hand to his chest.

"Easy. Don't get too close - she might get angry."

Remus craned his neck to see what was in the pen and Regulus allowed him to take a few more steps forward. Remus gasped in surprise and awe when he spotted the animals in the enclosure. There, peeking out from behind a big white hippogriff was a tiny downy creature.

"Blimey! I've never seen a foal before! At least not _that_ young. This one... it can't be more than - how old is it?"

Remus noticed Regulus looking at him intently. It was rather obvious that he had been very excited about taking Remus here and showing him the new-born hippogriff.

"He's just a day old."

The little creature was far from the beautiful and majestic animal it would become in time. The unruly grey downs on its head looked like a bird version of James' hair. The wings were little more than stumps sticking out from the back. The claws were awkwardly big and the long legs of the rear end slightly wobbly. All that said, it looked absolutely adorable.

"Kettleburn asked me to name him. Any ideas?" Said Regulus after they had spent a long while observing the foal in silence.

"No. He asked _you. You_ should be the one to choose."

"Come on, Remus. I'd like for you to do it. Pick one!"

"Oh, I don't know... what do you call a hippogriff?"

Regulus shrugged. "I guess anything goes..."

The little creature stood, tripping and eying them curiously. Then it snorted and jumped towards the boys in a mock attack.

Regulus chuckled. "Feisty little chap, isn't he?"

"I think he believes he looks mighty dangerous. What about... what about calling him 'Buckbeak'?"

The little creature made a screeching sound and clapped its beak.

"I think he likes it! Who knows - maybe you will do great deeds one day, Buckbeak."

**o0o0o**

Regulus secured the latch and turned to face Remus.

Remus smiled and pecked him on the nose. "Thanks for bringing me here. And letting me name him."

"Oh... it was nothing," said Regulus, trying to sound casual. "Just thought that you'd be interested."

"It wasn't _nothing_. It was very special."

Regulus couldn't hide his smile. "Care to take a walk before we go back in, Mr. Lupin?"

Remus smiled back. "All right. I'd like that."

As they started walking he took Regulus' hand in his and laced their fingers together. In an odd way the simple gesture of holding hands felt more intimate than anything else they'd done so far. It felt so good that it wasn't until Regulus stopped and sent him a worried look that he realise he was shivering from the cold.

"You're freezing."

"Oh... yeah. I didn't get back to the Tower to get some warmer clothes before coming out here."

"I'm sorry. I should have given you more than 15 minutes... Here - take my scarf."

"Well, aren't _you_ the gentleman?" Remus smiled as Regulus carefully wound the scarf around his neck.

"You could show your gratitude by giving me a kiss," he smirked.

Remus was only too happy to oblige.

Their walk ended at the Stone Circle where they had to separate so that nobody saw them go back to the castle together.

Remus felt a sudden pain in his gut at the thought of not being close to Regulus for the whole weekend. It almost made him feel sick.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" he asked. "I'd hate to wait till Monday's COMC lesson..."

Regulus' face lit up and he nodded eagerly. "How do we... where?"

"I'll be in the library after lunch. You can be sure my friends aren't going to follow me there on a Saturday! And they won't get suspicious either. They're quite used to my 'eccentric study habits' as they like to put it."

Neither were keen on saying good bye, so they just stood there for a while, arms slung around each other's necks, foreheads resting against each other. Remus thought he could drown in those soft grey eyes. His heart was beating just a little too hard for a plausible explanation. It wasn't exertion - hell, it wasn't even arousal. He felt strange and light headed. His chest was swelling with warmth, and his throat felt thick. It was scary and wonderful at the same time.

As he watched the black-haired teen running back towards the castle, he realised precisely what it was, that was wrong with him. And it wasn't good news. Because this made everything even more complicated than it already was. The plan to just be together for a short while to 'get it out of their systems' was failing miserably - at least on his part. It wasn't just a crush anymore or mere physical attraction to a pretty boy.

Remus couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when it had happened, but somewhere along the way he had managed to fall in love with Regulus Black.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend **Zayhad** has made the piece of art for this chapter.  
>  Check out her Deviantart profile for loads of great art!  
> https://www.deviantart.com/zayhad


	8. Close Calls

**Chapter 8 - Close Calls**

Remus trotted up the stairs to the dormitory, acutely aware of how much he was freezing. He hadn't noticed it much when outside because he'd been so caught up in Regulus. Now, however, he felt cold to the bone and was very much looking forward to settling in front of the fire.

Sirius, Peter and James were all in the dormitory. They looked up when Remus entered, and their jaws dropped.

"What?" Remus asked nervously, noticing the others gaping at him. "What's wrong?"

"Why, Moony, in the name of Merlin's saggy left bullock, are you wearing a Slytherin scarf?" asked James.

Remus froze. Oh, shit, shit, SHIT. They had forgotten all about the bloody scarf. How was he going to get out of this one? The three were still staring at him, waiting for an answer. He frantically searched his brain for a believable explanation. "Oh - _that_. Well... I... I found it on the ground. Outside. And I was cold, so..."

"You found it?"

"Yeah. Somebody must have lost it."

"Why would you want to wear it? It's filthy! It belongs to some Slytherin, for Godric's sake!" said Sirius, wrinkling his nose.

"Stop being so childish, Padfoot. They don't have cooties, you know."

"They might!"

"Maybe it's Snape's," suggested Peter.

"Eww!"

"It's not Snivellus'," said Sirius, inspecting the scarf. "It would be all greasy if it were."

Peter and James guffawed.

"But there _is_ a long black hair on it," Sirius continued. "Look." He held up the hair for the others to see.

"That's _your_ hair, Padfoot, you idiot. You're shedding," said Remus quickly.

"Am not!" Sirius pouted and crossed his arms.

"I think Moony's right," said Peter. "It does look like yours, Padfoot."

Sirius huffed, blowing his fringe away from his eyes, and Remus praised himself lucky that they seemed to buy into the explanation.

"Actually you're a genius for nicking it, Moony," said James after some thought. "Just think about what sort of pranks we could pull on the Slytherins with this! We could hex it, or -"

"No, Prongs!" said Remus, snatching the scarf away from him. "We will do no such thing. It's stupid and immature!"

"Aw, Moony, come on - let's have some fun with it!" whined Sirius.

"I said NO. I'll give it to Slughorn. He can find its rightful owner."

**o0o0o**

"It's a bit risky, because other students do come in here from time to time in the weekend. Mostly Ravenclaws. And even though we're not doing anything intimate, they still might wonder why we're sitting together. We're supposed to be enemies, you know..."

Regulus got up without a word and disappeared behind a bookshelf. Remus was confused. Had he said something wrong? Sometimes the younger Black brother behaved a bit oddly, he thought.

A few minutes later, though, Regulus returned, his arms full of books. He dumped them on the table in front of Remus.

Remus' eyes swept over the books. How to Tame Your Dragon, From Acromantula to Yeti, and First Aid for the Creature Caretaker. He looked up at Regulus to see him cast a Muffliato spell, evidently to prevent possible eavesdroppers from being able to make out what they were talking about.

"There. Now we have an excuse. People know we take COMC together."

Remus grinned. "Ah, you're very clever!

Regulus looked thrilled over Remus' compliment. "Of course! I _am_ a Slytherin, you know."

Remus quickly looked around to check that nobody was watching. Then he pulled Regulus' scarf out from under his robes and placed it in said boy's lap. Regulus looked at it and went pale.

"Oh bugger," he whispered. "Did anybody...?

"Yeah, they noticed, all right. But don't worry," he quickly added. "I managed to make them believe I'd just found it and wore it because I was cold."

"You sure they bought into that?" Regulus asked, not looking convinced.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure. They trust me completely. I... I usually never lie to them." He felt another sting of guilt.

It must have shown on his face, because Regulus gave his knee a reassuring squeeze under the table. "It's all right, Remus. You're allowed a bit of privacy. It's not their right to know every single thing you do. Don't feel bad about it."

"It's not right to lie. They're my friends. They... they never lie to me, either."

"You don't know that. Sirius, for one, is an excellent liar, and he does not scruple to use it. I've been on the receiving end too many t-"

"Reg, don't. You know I don't want to hear you putting him down..."

"I'm just telling the truth. And you know I'm right."

Remus wrung his hands. He _did_ know that Regulus was right. Hadn't he experienced Sirius lying his way out of the worst kinds of trouble too many times to not know that? "It doesn't mean he lies to me. And even if it did, it still wouldn't make it okay that I lie to him."

Regulus sighed and scooted closer to Remus. "You shouldn't worry so much about it. Give yourself a break. You deserve to look to your own needs sometimes." He let his hand wander slowly from Remus' knee, caressing its way up his thigh."

"Reg... not... not here."

"Not what, here?" Regulus whispered in his ear.

Remus swallowed hard. "You know what. You make me want to..."

"Want to what?" the other boy purred.

"You know what!"

"Then let's go somewhere private."

"Where?"

Regulus bit his lower lip, looking thoughtful. "History of Magic. Nobody will bother us there - afraid to die of boredom," he explained.

**o0o0o**

Remus looked intently at the Marauder's map, his eyes following the small dot labelled 'Regulus Black' that was making its way from the library to the classroom he was waiting in. When the dot was just half a corridor away, Remus pocketed the map and poised himself.

Regulus emitted a very unmanly shriek as he was jumped the second he entered the room. "Bleeding hell, Lupin! Are you trying to kill me?"

"That's what you get for feeling me up in public!"

"How did you know I'd arrive right this second, anyway?" he asked, taking off his robes and tossing them on a chair.

"Intuition," Remus chuckled. "Now - how about finishing that thing you started?"

"I don't know if I want to, now," Regulus pouted, doing his best to sound affronted.

"Oh, come on. You aren't fooling anyone, Mr. Black!" laughed Remus, moving in on him.

Soon they were kissing passionately, clinging to each other. Remus suddenly got an urgent need to feel the other boy's naked skin against his own, so he began unbuttoning Regulus' shirt, hands trembling with excitement. Regulus responded with a moan, and his hands shifted to work Remus' buttons with equal eagerness. He impatiently shook off his own shirt when Remus had finished opening it. Remus pulled away from the kiss to hungrily take in the sight in front of him. He let his hands slide over the beautiful, smooth, still rather boyish chest.

As Regulus proceeded to push Remus' shirt off his shoulders, a horrible realisation suddenly hit Remus - his bite mark! That large, atrocious memento of the night he was bitten - right there on his left shoulder.

"S-stop!" His hand shot up to grasp Regulus' wrist.

But it was too late - Regulus had already seen it. His eyes widened and he let out a small gasp.

"Wh-what is... that looks nasty!"

"I... I know. It's hideous," Remus said, looking away, his face burning in shame.

Regulus' eyes quickly moved from the mark to Remus' face. "No - that's not what I meant. I mean - it looks painful."

"It was. Not now, though."

"How...?"

"I was attacked by a dog when I was little."

"Some dog," Regulus commented, tracing the tooth marks with his finger. "It must have been huge."

"You... you don't think I'm repulsive?"

"No. Why would I? Did you really think I was that shallow?"

Remus was surprised. Relieved. And a bit ashamed of himself. A part of him had actually believed that Regulus was that shallow. So much for listening to Sirius' descriptions of his brother. "N-no. I'm just a bit self-conscious about it."

"Well - where were we?" purred Regulus, pushing Remus' shirt the rest of the way off his shoulders.

Remus captured his lips and pressed their now naked chests together. He shivered from the amazing sensation, his eyes falling closed. He moved his mouth to Regulus' ear and whispered, "You're so... so gorgeous..."

Regulus' breath hitched, his fingers digging into Remus' hips.

"Just... gorgeous," Remus continued, alternating between kissing the ear and whispering into it, "I want to... all the... time."

Regulus made a keening sound and his hands flew to Remus' belt buckle. Remus felt his cock twitch in anticipation as his belt was yanked off in a fluent motion. He reattached his lips to Regulus' and kissed him hungrily. Next his fly was undone and a hand slipped into his briefs.

"Oh, _fuck!_ " he gasped as Regulus' warm hand closed around him. "That's..."

The other boy hesitated a bit, then gave an experimental tug. Remus felt his knees tremble and threaten to buckle under him. Regulus smiled against his lips and walked him a few steps backwards until he collided with a table, leaving him half leaning/half sitting on it.

Remus caressed and kissed the chest in front of him while Regulus continued to stroke him, more confident now. When his lips closed around a perked nipple, Regulus whimpered and tightened his hand painfully around Remus' cock.

"S-sorry."

" 's okay," Remus panted, thrusting into Regulus' fist, urging him to keep going. His hands moved to his fly, fumbling to undo it.

It felt strange, holding someone else's hard member in his hand - but oh so good. The sounds he drew from the other boy went straight to his own cock and soon he cried out his completion, spilling himself over Regulus' hand.

He continued working his own hand, and when he came down from his high, he opened his eyes and stared mesmerised at Regulus' beautiful face, eyes half-lidded, cheeks tinted pink, slightly parted lips red and swollen.

"Oh, Merlin, _Remus!_ " Regulus whimpered, hands clutched in Remus hair, as he too, finished.

**o0o0o**

"Sooo..." Remus smirked, when they had cleaned up and caught their breath. "Still not gay?"

Regulus shook his head vigorously.

"No?" Remus wasn't sure if he was joking or not. "Are you serious?"

"No... I mean, yes." He shifted uncomfortably and picked up his shirt, busying his hands with straightening the crinkles.

"Reg? Reg! Look at me."

Regulus kept his eyes fixed on his shirt, so Remus cupped his chin and tipped his head up. He felt a sting at the sight of the pain in his eyes. "Reg," he repeated, in a soft, less commanding tone. "Do you honestly still deny that you're gay?"

"I'm not. This... what we're doing... it doesn't mean anything."

Remus took a step back, unable to suppress the hurt the comment had caused. "It... it doesn't mean anything?"

Regulus sighed, stepped up to Remus and splayed a hand across his cheek. "Of course it means something. I... like you a lot... and... what we do... but it doesn't mean that I'm gay. I can't be. It's just not an option I have."

"But -"

"Could we just... not talk about it?"

Remus decided to let it go for now. The boy obviously was not ready to deal with it, and Remus thought it better not to push him. "Okay," he said, taking Regulus face in his hands, stroking his cheek with his thumb. "I... I like you a lot, too, you know."

**o0o0o**

"Moony. Hey - Moony! Mooooony!"

A hand was waving in front of his face. Remus tore his eyes away from the Slytherin table and emerged from his daydream. He looked at Sirius, who was sitting opposite him, trying to catch his attention.

"What?"

Sirius chuckled. "Where were you? Are you even aware of where we are? You haven't touched your food."

"Oh," said Remus, looking down at his plate.

"Daydreaming, Moony? You've been rather distant the past few weeks," commented James, a smile playing at his lips.

"Oh, have I?" Remus asked airily.

"Yes you have," said Peter. "You walk around with that look on your face... a bit like Prongs when he's dreaming about Evans."

Remus immediately started sweating. "W-what? NO, I just... I just have a lot on my mind. N.E.W.Ts and all..."

"Really, Wormtail?" asked James, looking curiously at Peter. "I look that stupid?"

"I don't look stupid!" snapped Remus. "And I'm not in love!"

The other three looked at him with raised eyebrows.

"Merlin - don't get your knickers in a twist. Nobody said you're in love, mate!"

"Fine. Because I'm not!" Remus mentally kicked himself for turning the subject in that direction.

"Then why are you blushing, Moony," grinned Peter. "Maybe there is something to it.

"Who's the lucky bird?" asked Sirius, poking Remus' arm teasingly with his fork.

"No one! There's no bird!" And this was easy to say, because that part was actually true.

"Then what are you doing when you sneak off? Which you _have_ been doing quite a lot lately."

"I... I don't sneak off! I move around like I please. It's none of your business..."

"Whatever, mate. You don't have to tell us if you don't want to," said Sirius, sounding a bit stung.

Remus scolded himself inwardly. Had he really been that obvious? He would have to be more careful in the future.


	9. Weighing the Options

**Chapter 9 - Weighing the Options**

"Lily..." Remus began. They were sitting in a secluded part of the library, helping each other prepare for an Ancient Runes test. "There's something I'd like to talk to you about."

Over the past weeks, Remus had been feeling increasingly guilty about his relationship with Regulus and the fact that he was keeping his friends in the dark. The dilemma had become unpleasantly real now that he had come to the realisation that it was not just a temporary thing. His brain had been working on overdrive, a mess of conflicting emotions and thoughts. It was getting so bad that he feared he might explode if he didn't talk to someone about it.

Lily looked up from her book. "Sure. What is it?"

Remus shifted in his chair, rolling his quill absentmindedly in his hands. "You... you can't tell anybody. You have to promise me. You're the only one I can trust with this."

Lily furrowed her eyebrows, looking serious and concerned. "Of course, Remus. You have my word. What's wrong?"

Remus took a deep breath, gathering courage to spill his secrets, starting with the easiest one. "I... I'm gay."

"Oh," was the only reaction. 

"You're not surprised?" 

"Well... yes. A bit. But then again, I've never seen you eyeing up a girl or show any other interest in them."

"I pay attention to girls."

"Yes, but not in a sexual way. And when someone asks you out, or makes a pass at you, you politely brush them off."

"Oh. Am I really being that obvious?"

"No. But you forget that I am a very observant woman!" she said, winking at him.

Remus smiled. "Yes - you certainly are."

"Are you embarrassed about it?"

"N-no. Not really."

"Then, what is the problem? You look almost sick with worry. Do your friends know? You're not afraid of their reactions, are you? Because that's just plain stupid, Remus. You know they'll be completely accepting -" 

"Woah!" exclaimed Remus, holding up his hands. "Enough questions! First of all - no they don't know. And I _know_ they'll be accepting. I guess I'm just a coward who keeps putting it off. And besides - that's not really the problem."

"Well, then what is?"

"I found someone."

Lily's face lit up. "You did? Well, that's wonderful, Remus!"

Remus shook his head. "No, it's not wonderful at all. It's horrible." 

Lily looked at a loss. "Why? Aren't you into him?"

"Oh, I am. I'm crazy about him."

"How can that be anything but wonderful? Doesn't he reciprocate your feelings?"

"Y-yes. I think so. At least he acts that way..."

"Remus - you're making me confused here. And impatient! Come on and tell me what the problem is. No matter what, I won't judge you, you know that."

Remus bit his lip. "The problem is that... that he's... he's off limits."

"Off limits? How do you mean - OH!" Lily's eyes widened and she clapped a hand to her mouth. "Is it... it's not a _teacher_ , is it?"

"What? No! Not _that_! It's worse."

"How can it be worse?" Then she looked like something dawned on her. "Remus - if it's Black, then I actually don't think that -"

"It's not Sirius, if that's what you mean," Remus interrupted. "It's the other one."

"The other what?"

"The other Black."

Lily's jaw dropped. "R-Regulus? You're in love with _Regulus_? Regulus Black? And you're... together?"

Remus nodded grimly, looking down, not daring to meet her eye. Her silence only served to amplify his anxiety. What if she was appalled with him? She certainly ought to be. What if she told the others? 

His thoughts were cut short when he felt her hand on his.

"Remus - don't be ashamed of yourself. You don't choose who you fall in love with," she said in a gentle voice. 

Remus let out a shaky breath, he wasn't even aware he had been holding, and looked up at her. "Thank you," he whispered.

"It's okay. Don't feel bad," she said, patting his hand.

"I do. It's so wrong. We shouldn't be doing this. We should never have... we really tried to -"

"You're afraid that the others won't approve..."

"Afraid they won't approve? I KNOW they won't approve! And 'approve' is quite the understatement, I think."

Lily was silent for a moment, seemingly in deep thought. "Yes... I can see what you're saying. Sirius probably won't take it well."

"Lily, I don't know what to do!" Remus groaned and buried his head in his hands. "The guilt is eating away at me. I can't... I can't keep lying to them! But I'm afraid what'll happen if I tell. And I don't want to hurt Sirius. I know the right thing to do is just break it off with Regulus, but I don't know if I can. And I don't _want_ to. Please help me - tell me what to do!"

Lily shook her head. "I can't tell you what to do - you know that. But we can talk about it, if that's any help."

Remus nodded.

"So, the way I see it, there are basically three options," she began in a businesslike tone. "1: You keep hiding it - which will hurt _you_. 2: You tell them - which will hurt _Sirius_. And 3: You break up - which will hurt _you_ and _Regulus_."

"It's not as simple as that."

"I know. But let's look at them one at a time, yeah? First option: The problem here is your bad conscience. And there's also the considerable risk that they'll find out. Which would be worse than you telling them."

"I know. There have been a few close calls already. Even though we do our best to be careful. They'd never trust me again if they found out on their own."

"Second option: You come clean. It will cause drama, but at least you'd have been honest. The question is, though, what will happen then? What is Sirius going to do? Do you think he'll hurt Regulus?"

"He might. You know his temper. And they really hate each other. And if he does something rash, he might get expelled. I'd never forgive myself for that."

"What about you? Do you think he could hurt you?"

"Me? No, _never_. Not physically, at least."

"And the third option -"

"Lily, you don't have to tell me," Remus cut her off. "I _know_ that breaking it off is the right thing to do. I just..." He suddenly couldn't get the words out. It felt like a big lump had taken residence in his throat, and he could feel tears threaten to rise in his eyes.

"Remus. I know Sirius will be angry and hurt. But if he truly cares about you, he'll come to understand that his brother makes you happy and accept it in time. You know - maybe you're underestimating him. Don't you think he'll come round once he has cooled off?"

Remus shook his head. "No. You don't know him like I do. I think he would forgive me for just about anything, but not this. I can't think of anything I could possibly do, that would make him feel more betrayed."

"You talk as if you're cheating on him. You aren't. You're just friends. He can't dictate your love life."

"Maybe not. But I might lose his friendship. And James' as well - he'd have to side with Sirius. And Pete, too, probably."

"James and Peter are your friends, too. They should be just as concerned about your happiness as Sirius'."

"Not if I were the one to blame for the mess."

"They didn't stop being friends with Sirius when _he_ betrayed _you_ in 5th year..."

"That's because I forgave him. They were furious with him, though."

"Well, maybe it's Sirius' turn to forgive _you_..."

Remus was silent for a while. When Lily opened her mouth to speak again, he beat her to it. "That's not the only problem. There's a lot at stake for Regulus, too. Probably more. If his parents found out that he's gay... I don't know what they'd do to him. He said that in their eyes being gay is as bad as being muggle born. And if finding out that their only remaining son is gay wouldn't do the trick, then the fact that he's having it off with the enemy - a half-blood Gryffindor - most likely would. Just think about how much they freaked out when Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor. They might kick him out. Disown him, even. Or worse. They're expecting him to carry on the family name, you know. How can he do that if he's gay?"

"Well that problem wouldn't go away by breaking up with you. He'd still be gay."

"But he wouldn't be found out."

"Remus, if he chooses to risk that to be with you, that's _his_ decision."

"Lily, he doesn't know what he's doing! He hasn't even acknowledged that he's gay yet. I don't think he understands what risks he's taking or what he could lose. He just... shuts off when I try to talk to him about it. It's like he believes that not dealing with a problem makes it go away."

"I think you might be underestimating him, too. I don't really know him, so I could be wrong, but I don't think he's stupid."

"No. He's very smart. But he's out of touch with reality sometimes. He's been brainwashed since he was born, for Godric's sake."

"It's actually quite romantic when you think about it," Lily grinned and nudged him with her elbow. "I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend who risked losing his whole family and fortune just to be with me."

Remus looked at her with raised eyebrows. "You want romantic? Then how about a bloke who has spent the last three years wooing you? One who only has eyes for you? One who has had no relation with any other girl, because he's saving himself for you?"

"'Potter' and 'romantic' can't be used in the same sentence," Lily commented drily.

"You just did."

"Don't be a smart-arse, Lupin!" she said, smacking him on the back of his head.

"Come on, Lily," Remus grinned. "You know you want him. Why not just give it up?"

"You asked me for my opinion on your love life - I didn't ask for yours on mine!" 

Remus chuckled to himself.

"Sooo." Lily drawled, folding her arms behind her head, leaning back in her chair. "Let's hear some details."

"Forget it, Evans. You're not getting anything juicy. I don't kiss and tell."

Lily laughed, her eyes dancing. "Okay then. I'll have to settle for what I can get. How did it happen?"

"I don't really know. It just did. We became working partners in Care of Magical Creatures. He was mean, and I was enthralled. Then he was less mean, and I was even more enthralled. And one day we just... and that was it. We couldn't stay away from each other - even though we fought it like crazy. It was a kind of scary, to be honest. Like we were opposite ends of magnets, gravitating towards each other. We just couldn't control ourselves when we were close, especially not when alone. So we decided to keep as much distance as possible."

"And - OH. Then I forced you to... and that's why you went hysterical. It's my fault! I should have listened to you. Oh, I'm sorry, Remus."

Remus waved it off. "Don't be. It would have happened anyway. One way or the other. I think I was already a lost cause by that time."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"It's not because he reminds you of Sirius, is it?"

Remus looked at her in surprise. "What? What do you mean?"

"I mean... you've had a crush on Sirius for quite some time, haven't you?"

"I... I thought you said you were surprised that I was gay. How could you have noticed?"

"I said I was a _bit_ surprised. And now that I know, certain things make more sense. The way you'd look at him... little things like that."

"Well, okay. But that was last year. And no, it has nothing to do with my interest in Regulus. They could hardly be any more different."

"Except for their looks."

"Except for their looks," Remus agreed. "And before you say it, then, yes, maybe that's what caught my eye in the first place, but that's all. It's Regulus I want - it really is. I mean, I love Sirius, but as a friend. It's different."

"All right, I believe you."

Remus sighed and looked at his watch. "It's getting late, and I'm tired. I think I'll be turning in. Thank you so much for listening and talking, Lily. It felt good to get it off my chest. You gave me something to think about."

"You're welcome. You can always come to me, okay?"

"Thank you."

"And Remus?"

"Yes?"

"Maybe you should just try giving it a bit more time. See how things develop between you. It's still a pretty new thing, isn't it?"

"Yeah. A month or so."

"Well, there you go. Maybe in another month you might not even want to see each other anymore."

Remus' insides ached just by the thought of not seeing Regulus anymore.

Lily leaned in on Remus and looked him in the eyes. "Whatever you choose to do - please don't break it off because of your friends. Break up if it doesn't work out between the two of you, but not for any other reason."


	10. Love Bites and Quidditch

**Chapter 10 - Love Bites and Quidditch**

"I think you have some explaining to do, young man," Remus chided, pulling down his collar to reveal a purplish mark on his neck.

Regulus' eyes went wide. "Oh. I made that?"

"It sure as hell wasn't the Giant Squid!"

"I'm sorry. I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't even aware -"

Remus felt his irritation ebbing away. There was no way he could resist that pleading, innocent look on the younger boy's face - even though he knew that Regulus was well aware of it and played on it. "Well, try not to suck so hard in one place in the future..."

"Did someone notice?" Regulus asked, fidgeting nervously with the cuff of his shirt.

"Of course they did! And thanks to you, I now have a girlfriend in Hufflepuff."

"WHAT? Oh..."

"A very shy girl who begs me to keep our relationship secret. So I've promised not to tell anyone who she is."

"I see. Is she hot?"

"Very."

"I figured as much."

"She's got the most gorgeous grey eyes. And the sexiest arse."

"I'm almost jealous."

"You should be!"

It had been another close call when the others had spotted the tell-tale love bite on his neck. Remus had half-heartedly tried to explain it away, but realised that there was no getting out of this one. Instead he had caved in and admitted that he was seeing someone. And thus he had made up the story about the Hufflepuff girl.

The others had whooped and crowed, elated that they had finally made him crack. James had wiped imaginative tears from his eyes and sobbed, "Our little Moony is growing up!"

They had bombarded him with questions and tried to impel him to reveal her name. Sirius, especially, had kept bugging him about it, demanding to know who she was, explaining that he needed to know if she was good enough for him, and stating that he wanted to ask her what her 'intentions' towards Remus were. Remus had informed him, that in that case he was _definitely_ not going to tell him.

**o0o0o**

The Slytherin/Gryffindor Quidditch match of 1977 was very physical and exceptionally unsporting - even for the standard of a game between said houses. To nobody's surprise, the Slytherins were responsible for the most vicious and dirty tricks, but the Gryffindor players let themselves be provoked into retaliating with more ferocity than they would normally even consider.

Unlike most of his house mates, Remus never really enjoyed these matches, because someone always got hurt - often seriously. With horror, he recalled last year's match where James was deliberately trapped by two of Slytherin's Chasers, rendering him unable to dodge a Bludger aimed at head, earning him nearly a week in the infirmary. And it didn't help that this year Remus had two, and not just one, players to worry about.

Elbows, shoulders, knees and even fists were used unscrupulously, and foul after foul was committed. Topping the list were Cobbing and Blurting, closely followed by Blagging and Blatching. As a result, most goals were scored on penalties.

The game was getting out of hand. The referees were whistling and shouting, and Madam Pomfrey and the mediwizard were busy patching up split lips and eyebrows, and stopping nosebleeds. At one point, two of the players simply dismounted their brooms and got into a fistfight on the ground.

The crowd was furious - yelling threats and obscenities at the opposing team's players and supporters. As always, almost all of the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws sided with Gryffindor. The noise was overwhelming.

And then it happened - what Remus had been dreading. Spencer Rogers, a Gryffindor Chaser, rammed sideways into the tail of Regulus' broom. He did it full speed and a with precision that left no doubt that the action was entirely deliberate. With his broom completely out of control, the Seeker slammed headfirst into the nearest tower. The crowd went eerily silent for a few seconds as they watched him falling towards the ground and landing like a ragdoll.

Remus panicked. Before he was consciously aware of what he was doing, he found himself halfway down the stand, making his way towards the pitch. He heard someone - probably Sirius or Peter - crying out his name from behind, but he didn't care. He only had one thing on his mind - getting to Regulus who was lying dead still, face down, below the tower he had crashed into.

The horrid sound of the collision still rang in Remus' ears as he ran onto the pitch. He pushed his way past the small crowd of people - mainly players and staff - that had gathered around the crashed Seeker.  
Regulus had been flipped over onto his back; eyes closed, mouth half-open, and very much unconscious. Madam Pomfrey was bent over him checking for pulse and respiration while the mediwizard was calling for a stretcher.

Remus was just about to run the last few yards and fall to his knees next to Regulus when he felt someone firmly gripping his cloak. A voice hissed in his ear: "Stay back, Remus! You risk exposing yourselves!"

"But - _Regulus_ -" he whined. Right this minute he couldn't be arsed to care if the whole world knew about them.

"You'll only make it worse for him," Lily continued - because it was she, of course, who was holding him back. "Everybody can see you. If they guess... you know it'll be catastrophic for him! You can't help him anyway. Let Madam Pomfrey do her job."

Remus made a weak attempt to pull himself free of her, but the reasonable part of him knew she was right. Instead he froze and stood, staring at his lover on the ground. He watched Madam Pomfrey slapping Regulus' cheeks lightly and calling his name. There was no visible damage, save for a few bruises on his face, but Remus knew all too well, that that didn't guarantee anything.

The game had, of course, been called to a temporary halt, and the players were all on the ground. Needless to say, the Slytherin players were enraged, complaining to the referees and shouting at the Gryffindors. The Gryffindors were shouting back, except for James who was busy yelling at Rogers.

"What the fuck are you doing down here?" snarled one of the Slytherin Beaters when he spotted Remus and Lily. "You're not players - get off the pitch!"

"But he... he's hurt!" said Remus, not taking his eyes off of Regulus.

"What do YOU care - it's not _your_ Seeker! Come to gloat? Is that it? Very smart of you to take him out - now we won't win the bleeding match!"

"Is that all you care about, you stupid bastard!" Remus screamed at him. "Your team mate is injured and you only care for your sodding game!"

"What's it to _you_ if he's hurt? Why the bloody hell do you even care?" Roared the Slytherin and pushed Remus back rather harshly.

Before Remus could open his mouth to respond, Lily stepped in front of him, treating the Beater to one of her infamous scowls. "We care because he's a prefect!" she growled, looking daggers at him. "Remus is his patrol partner and I'm Head Girl. I care for ALL my prefects - regardless of house. Now - keep your mouth shut or I'll deduct points!"

**o0o0o**

The waiting room of the hospital wing was quiet and empty, except for Remus and Lily. Practically everyone else were still at the stadium, watching the match.

Madam Pomfrey had not been very informative; she had just told them to sit down and wait, and said that she would be back with news later.

Remus fought to hold back tears as he let Lily hold him.

"Remus, calm down," she said, rubbing soothing circles on his back. "He will be just fine, I guarantee it. These things always look worse than they actually are. Madam Pomfrey will fix him in a heartbeat."

"I hate Quidditch," Remus whined into her shoulder. "It's just like last year with James."

"I know. But he turned out all right, remember? And so will Regulus."

They had waited about an hour when the doors slammed open and the room filled with the majority of the Gryffindor team and several supporters. Judging from their elated spirits, they had just won the match. Remus' eyes quickly scanned the crowd. To his disappointment, Rogers wasn't there. This was probably lucky for said player, because Remus would have liked nothing better at that moment than to strangle him.

A nurse came rushing into the room. "What's this noise? What are all you people doing here? This is a hospital - not a ball room!"

"We're here to see Jake Jordan. He got injured during the match."

"He will be just fine. But I'm not going to let you in to see him, because we have another patient who needs our full attention and must not be disturbed. Mr. Jordan will be discharged later tonight; you can see him then. Now - go back to your common room."

On their way out, Sirius spotted Remus and Lily. "Hey. What are you doing here?" he asked, looking mildly surprised.

Lily sent Remus a quick glance, warning him not to speak. "We're here, _Black_ , waiting for news about your brother, who, in case you hadn't noticed, just had a rather bad accident."

"So? Why should _we_ care?"

"Because he's your brother," Remus growled, jumping up from his seat.

"No," Sirius corrected, " _James_ is my brother."

"I can't believe you! Whatever you think of him, he's still your brother - and he might be seriously hurt!"

"How many times do I have to tell you that I don't give a toss about him? He could snuff it, for all I care!"

Remus stared at him, dumbfounded. He was vaguely aware of the others turning to gape at Sirius as well.

"You don't mean that!" Remus gasped when he had finally grasped what Sirius had said.

Sirius looked uncomfortable, his eyes darting over the spectators. "Well," he mumbled. "No... _of course_ I don't wish him dead! It's just something you say, isn't it?"

"That's cold, mate," commented James.

Remus turned to James. "And _you!_ "

"Me? What about me?" asked a bewildered James.

"What kind of dirty trick was that you played on Regulus?"

"WHAT? _I'm_ not the one who rammed into him! That was Rogers!"

"But YOU'RE the Captain!" yelled Remus, poking James in the chest with his index finger.

" _I_ didn't tell him to do that!" James yelled back.

"But you're responsible!"

"I can't control every single thing the others do!"

"You should have _seen_ yourselves out there! I've never seen you lot play so dirty!"

Lily tried to hold Remus back and calm him, but he shook her hands off.

"Excuse me!" exclaimed James. "Did you not see how the _Slytherins_ played? We had to fight back! They were way worse than us!"

"Not Regulus! He was minding his own business, and Rogers deliberately went for him!"

"That was ROGERS! Why are you taking that out on ME?"

"YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR TEAMMATES' ACTIONS!"

"You're being totally unreasonable, Remus! What the HELL has gotten into you?"

The shouting match was abruptly interrupted by the appearance of a fuming Madam Pomfrey.

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? I will NOT tolerate this kind of behaviour in my hospital wing! GET OUT!"

"But, Madam -" James began.

"OUT, OUT!" she roared, ushering them to the door.

Lily took a hold of James' arm and tugged at it. "Come, Potter. Let's go back to the Tower. They'll all be waiting to party with you!"

James followed her like an obedient puppy, and Sirius and Peter trailed behind. Remus ignored the suspicious glare Sirius cast back at him, as he went through the door.

"Well?" said the matron when she noticed that Remus hadn't moved. "You too, Lupin. Off you go!"

"Madam Pomfrey, _please_. Let me stay - I promise I'll be quiet. It's just that I'm so worried about Regulus. He... he's sort of special to me."

Pomfrey contemplated him for a moment. Then her expression softened. She always did have a soft spot for Remus, since she had been taking care of him every full moon the last six years. "All right, Remus. But only because it's you."

"Thank you so much! How is he?"

She shook her head. "I can't tell you much. He's still unconscious."

"When can I see him?"

"Hmmm. Well, I suppose you can come sit with him while you wait for him to wake up. But you have to promise me to stay quiet and calm."


	11. Just like an Angel

**Chapter 11 - Just Like an Angel**

Madam Pomfrey escorted Remus down the aisle to the bed where Regulus lay, enveloped in white sheets. Remus had to clench his teeth, forcing back tears, once more, at the sight of his frail-looking boyfriend. His sickly pale face made his hair seem even blacker than normal. The lashes looked impossibly black against the white, delicate cheekbones. His green/silver Quidditch robes had been replaced with a white hospital gown that only served to enhance the contrast between black and white.

"Don't look so frightened, Dear. I'm sure he will be fine. I haven't lost one yet, you know, and I don't intend to now."

Remus resisted the urge to grip Regulus by the shoulders and shake him awake.

Madam Pomfrey seemed to be reading his mind. "Don't try to wake him. Just sit down and keep quiet. He will come around when he's ready."

"Can I hold his hand?" Remus asked, looking up at her.

She smiled and patted his shoulder. "Yes, of course you can."

The hours dragged on at a snail pace.

Finally Regulus showed signs of regaining consciousness. A soft whimper caught Remus' attention. He jumped to his feet and leaned in.

"Reg! Reg!" he called anxiously.

Regulus' face cringed and he squeezed his eyes tightly shut. "It hurts," he whined.

"Where does it hurt?"

"The sun."

"The - _what?_

"Take it away!"

"Take _what_ away?" Remus was utterly confused.

"Sun... hurts..."

"MADAM POMFREY!" yelled Remus desperately.

The matron came rushing out from her office.

"Did he wake up?"

"He's talking nonsense!"

Regulus kept squirming and rambling about pain and the sun.

Madam Pomfrey quickly dimmed the lights with a swish of her wand. "The lights are hurting his head," she explained.

"Oh," said Remus, feeling stupid for not having guessed.

"This should soothe the pain," she said, pulling out a wet cloth and draping it over Regulus' forehead and eyes. "How are you feeling, Love?"

Regulus groaned and mumbled something unintelligible.

"Come again?"

"It hurts... when I breathe..."

"Yes. You cracked a couple of ribs. I've already set some spells to work on those. They'll be as good as new in a couple of days. As for your head - I fear that might be more complicated. Does it still hurt much?"

Regulus was wheezing in rapid, short breaths. He didn't answer.

"Regulus?" Remus said, squeezing his hand.

"Mr. Black? How does your head feel now?"

"Yes."

"Yes what? It still hurts?"

"Yes," he whimpered.

Madam Pomfrey looked at Remus. "You sit with him while I go and whip up some potions. Make sure he doesn't drift off."

Remus immediately started talking and comforting Regulus. "It'll be all right, Reg. Madam Pomfrey will fix you right up."

"Re-Remus?"

"Yes, it's me - I'm here." Remus couldn't deny the trill he felt that, although he was clearly very confused, Regulus still recognised his voice.

"Where?"

"Right here!" Remus said, stroking Regulus' cheek and squeezing his hand again.

"I can't see you..."

"Of course you can't. You have a cloth over your eyes."

"What... where are we?"

"The infirmary. You had an accident during the game."

"Game?"

"The match against Gryffindor."

"I play for Gryffindor?"

"What? No, Silly! You play for Slytherin."

"Oh... That makes sense."

"You don't remember the game at all?"

"No." He started writhing and whimpering again. "Remus... I don't feel good..."

"I know, Baby, I know. Madam Pomfrey will be right back to help you."

"I... I'm... gonna... gonna..."

At the last moment Remus understood what was happening. He grabbed the nearest usable thing he could find - a dustbin - and shoved it under Regulus' face just in time. He vomited until there was nothing left but bile.

"My chest," he moaned, shuttering violently.

Remus used the wet cloth that had slipped from Regulus' forehead to wipe sweat off his face and sickness from his mouth.

He turned to see Pomfrey returning with a tray full of vials. "Madam Pomfrey! He's sick!"

"Yes. All unmistakable symptoms of severe concussion - sickness, light sensitivity, confusion..."

"Please help him!" Remus begged desperately.

"I will, Remus. I will."

She took a vial from the tray and held it out in front of Regulus. "This will ease the pain," she told him.

Regulus eyed the vial with revulsion. "I can't," he panted. "It won't... stay down."

"No, I reckon not." She put the potion aside and picked up another vial with a green, unsavoury looking liquid.

Regulus' screwed up his face. "No, no, no... can't..."

"Yes you can. It's an antiemetic. You're not supposed to drink it." She tapped it twice with her wand, and the potion began to bubble and steam heavily. Then she shoved it under his nose and instructed, "Inhale it. Come now - deep breaths."

Regulus did as ordered and after a few inhalations his breathing became a little less erratic.

"Do you think you can drink now?"

Regulus nodded and winched at the obvious pain the motion caused his head.

Pomfrey tipped his face upwards and emptied the potion into his mouth. He swallowed it all and then leaned back against the pillow, closing his eyes.

The matron busied herself making her patient comfortable, arranging his pillow and duvet while muttering to herself. "Damnable sport... should be illegal in schools... at least for minors..." Then she looked at Remus. "I have to do something. I'll be back shortly."

After a few minutes, Remus noticed that Regulus' breathing was slowing down, reaching a steady rhythm, and his face smoothened as he relaxed.

"Are you feeling better, Reg?"

"Much better." He blinked a few times and settled his eyes on Remus. 

"You're here."

"Yes. I thought we already established that."

"Embarrassing. Seeing me like this... all weak and pathetic. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You're not pathetic! You're in agony."

"It's embarrassing..."

"I don't care. I'm just so relieved that you're awake and on the mend. _Godric_ \- I've been so scared!"

"You... have?" Regulus eyed him with a puzzled expression. "Why?"

" _Why?_ Because I care about you, you dolt! Merlin, Reg. Sometimes you ask the strangest questions!"

"What happened, Remus?"

"You crashed into one of the towers. During the Quidditch match..."

Regulus frowned. Then he looked like something dawned on him. "The _match!_ "

"You remember now?" Remus asked hopefully.

"Partly. So - so we lost the game?" It was more of a statement than an actual question. After all, a team rarely won if their Seeker didn't catch the snitch.

"Yeah..." Personally Remus couldn't care less how the match had ended, but he knew that Regulus would.

"Oh no," he groaned. "We needed that victory. It's all my fault!"

"It wasn't your fault, Reg. Spencer Rogers rammed into you. You didn't stand a chance!"

Their conversation was interrupted by Madam Pomfrey. "Mr. Black - there are two gentlemen here to see you."

Regulus stiffened. "Who?"

"A Mr. Mulciber and a Mr. Rosier."

"Please... can you tell them I'm sleeping?"

Remus looked at him. "That's not necessary - I'll just leave you alone."

Regulus grabbed his arm. "No! Don't go."

"I can come back when they leave."

"No! I don't want them here."

"But - they're your friends!"

"I don't want them to see me like this."

"Reg, I'm sure they'll -"

"Just drop it, Remus. You don't understand."

"I'll send them away, then," said Madam Pomfrey and headed for the door. "By the way," she said, turning back, "your Team Captain was here when you were still out. She was _very_ concerned for you, I must say." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Wanted to know when you'd be ready to fly again. Apparently you have a _very_ important match in a month - and since you lost _this_ one..."

"What... what did you tell her?" Regulus asked, swallowing hard.

"That if _I_ had _my_ way - if you never should get back on a broom it would be too soon!"

Remus silently agreed with Pomfrey. And he was rather shocked about the coldness and indifference of Lucinda Talkalot - and the rest of the team, which hadn't even bothered showing up to see how Regulus was doing, for that matter. When someone from Gryffindor's team ended up in the infirmary, the rest of the team would always come visit them - no matter how trivial the injury.

"But - seriously," asked Regulus, "how long do you think it will be?"

Madam Pomfrey's lips tightened, forming a thin line. "Well, once I've discharged you, I can't stop you from doing whatever self destructive behaviour you wish. But you're not leaving this ward for at _least_ a week. Two, more likely."

Regulus groaned. "But - classes... homework... prefect duty - " he protested.

"No discussion, young man! You will stay here until I say otherwise."

Regulus sighed. "Yes, Madam. Sorry, Madam."

The matron's expression softened. "You shouldn't be worrying yourself about such things right now, anyway." She presented him with yet another vial. "And now you need a good long night's sleep. Give that head of yours some rest."

Regulus obediently drank the potion.

"Good night, Love," she smiled and left the bedside.

Regulus turned his head slightly to look at Remus. "Stay with me?"

"Just till you sleep. Then I have to get back to my dorm." He sighed heavily. "I have some explaining to do."

"Okay..."

Remus affectionately stroked Regulus' hair. "But I'll come back tomorrow."

"Thank you," Regulus whispered. His eyes had slipped shut and he was clearly starting to doze off. Remus sat there quietly for a while until he felt sure that he had fallen asleep. When he got up to leave, however, Regulus' hold on his hand tightened.

"Don't go..."

"I'm sorry. I thought you were asleep." Remus quickly sat back down and resumed stroking Regulus' hair. "I'll stay a while longer, okay?"

"Okay." Regulus' eyes slipped shut again. "Thank you. You're so good to me..." His speech was becoming slurred."...so kind... always so kind... for no reason..."

"I have plenty of reasons to be kind," interjected Remus, but Regulus didn't appear to hear him and kept rambling.

"You're so kind... and good... just like an angel..."

Remus felt ill at ease. Like he was spying on Regulus when his walls were down. "Shush, you," he whispered, gently putting a finger to Regulus' lips. "You're delirious. You don't know what you're saying."

"Like an angle... so gentle... and pure..."

Remus couldn't help but chuckle a bit at the irony. "I'm _pure?_ I thought I was lowly half-blood."

"You're pure..." Regulus repeated.

Remus sat there for another 10 minutes until he was absolutely sure that Regulus had fallen in a deep sleep. He pressed his lips to the sleeping boy's forehead and let go of his limp hand before walking away.

On his way out he found the matron.

"Madam Pomfrey..." he started. "Err... nobody knows about... our friendship. And we would really like to keep it that way..."

She placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry Remus. I won't tell a soul."

"Thank you. It's complicated, you know."

"Yes. You sure don't make things easy for yourself."

"I know," Remus sighed. "Take good care of him, will you?"

"You know I will."

**o0o0o**

Going back to the dorm to face Sirius, Peter and James was just about the last thing Remus felt like doing right then. But of course he knew there was no way around it.

He was surprised to find the common room quiet and almost empty. He had expected the victory party to be in full swing at this hour. It was, after all, only 11.30. Lily, who was sitting in a nearby sofa, caught his attention and quickly waved him over.

"How is he doing?" she asked when Remus sat down next to her.

"Horribly," he groaned. Seeing her frightened expression he quickly added, "He'll be all right, though. Nothing Madam Pomfrey can't fix. A severe concussion and some broken ribs. But he was really in agony..."

"When did he wake up?"

"Just a couple of hours ago. He's asleep now. Hopefully he'll feel better in the morning. Pomfrey's sleeping draughts do work wonders. I should know all about that."

"Well, that's good. I was getting more and more worried as the hours went by."

"You've been waiting here for me?"

"Of course. I had to make sure I caught you before you went up there." She nodded in the direction of the stairs to the boys' dorms.

"Okay," Remus said, running his fingers through his hair. "Why is the party over already?"

"It wasn't much of a party. Potter gave the team a lecture on decent behaviour, in the middle of the common room - finishing off with one hell of a dressing-down for Rogers. Sort of ruined the mood."

"Oh. Did you talk to them? About me?"

"Yes. I did all that I could to explain away your reaction, but I don't know how much I managed to convince them."

"Thank you Lily. You've been amazing. Especially out on the pitch. If it wasn't for you, everybody would know about us now. I acted like an idiot. I wasn't thinking at all..."

"You were worried sick."

"What did you tell them?"

"That you were worried about your prefect partner. I reminded them how much you hate violence and how concerned you always are about everybody. I think you might actually be in luck with Black."

"Sirius?"

She nodded. "I think he was so embarrassed about what he said up there that it's distracting his focus. But I think you have your work cut out for you with Potter. Pettigrew I'm unsure of. He's difficult to read, I think, and he didn't say much."

Remus gave Lily a grateful hug before heading upstairs to face the music.

**o0o0o**

Remus entered the dorm to find Peter and Sirius playing chess at the table and James sitting on his bed, reading a magazine. The atmosphere did not seem cheerful. They all looked up from what they were doing and watched him. Remus didn't know where to start, so he just stood there, looking back at them.

Peter was the first to speak. "Where have you been? In the hospital wing all this time?"

"Yes," Remus croaked.

"Why did you stay there so long?"

"Had to make sure he didn't _snuff it_ , didn't I?" Remus said, shooting a glare in Sirius' direction.

Sirius shuffled his feet, looking away. It was followed by another awkward silence.

Again Peter was the one to break the silence. "Well - is he all right then?"

"He will be. Concussion and broken ribs," mumbled Remus. "He just woke up. I had to make sure that he... That's why I couldn't leave before..." He trailed off.

"Well, that's good," commented James. "But the big question is: What the fuck got into _you_?"

"I... I just got scared. You know how I hate it when people get hurt. And I don't like Quidditch, because people always get hurt."

"That's all nice and good, Remus, but it still doesn't explain your excessive reaction. You went hysterical!"

Remus sighed. "I don't know, Prongs. I had been on edge all day. I was dreading that something bad would happen to you, actually, like last year. And I'd gotten so worked up about Slytherin's dirty game, and then Rogers went and did that. It just pissed me off that we did something even worse than them."

James kept looking at him, still with a sullen expression and his arms folded.

"Look - I owe you a huge apology. I was completely out of order, attacking you like that. I guess I directed my anger at Rogers at you."

"It will please you, then, to learn that I chucked him from the team."

Remus looked at him in surprise. "You... you did?"

James nodded.

"I don't think you should do that just because I -"

"I didn't do it for you," James cut him short. " I don't want a player on my team who does something like that. We're not like Slytherin - we won't stoop to their level. Quidditch should be a noble and honourable sport. And today wasn't an honest victory."

"But Remus, I don't get it -" Sirius said, speaking for the first time, "- it's just _Regulus!_ "

"Whatever you think of him, he's still a human being, Sirius. And since I have prefect duty with him he's no longer just an anonymous face to me. Of course I care what happens to him."

"So you _like_ him now? Your new _pal_?" He spat the last word like it tasted foully.

"He's not my pal. He's just an acquaintance. And I like him a normal amount for an acquaintance."

They stopped questioning Remus after that, but Sirius was still sulky. Remus thought it better just to leave him alone for a while. Hopefully he would forget about it soon.


	12. The Price of Friendship

**Chapter 12 - The Price of Friendship**

Remus was slowly ascending from the thick haze of sleep. He could sense someone lying next to him; close, but not quite touching. He edged himself closer and inhaled the scent of the other person. _Regulus_. Of course. Who else would he be lying in bed with? He cuddled up to his lover and nuzzled his face into his neck. It seemed like Regulus was trying to pull away, so Remus whined in protest and dug his fingers into the soft hair to keep his head close. Then he started lavishing his neck with wet kisses.

"Moony... what are you doing?" came a muffled voice from far away.

Strange. Regulus had never called him 'Moony' before. Where were they, anyway? Remus was still half asleep and couldn't really bother opening his eyes to find out. He felt utterly exhausted and his entire body was sore. Flashes of dark trees and moonlight shadows passed through his head. The smell of the damp forest floor. Prongs, Wormtail, and Padfoot... _Padfoot!_

He jerked his head back, his eyes flying open, and he stared into the face of a rather baffled looking Sirius.

"Padfoot? I - I'm sorry! So sorry! I thought... I thought you were..." He suddenly spotted his hand still clutching the other boy's black locks and he quickly withdrew it as if burned.

"You thought I was what?" Sirius asked with a crooked smile and a quirked eyebrow. "Your girlfriend?"

"Y-yes," Remus stuttered.

"Am I to be flattered or insulted?"

The boys looked intently at each other for a few seconds. Then Sirius burst into laughter, dragging Remus along with him.

Inwardly, however, Remus was not laughing. Stupid Black brothers - why did they have to look and feel so damn similar? They even _smelled_ alike! Remus could have kicked himself. There was nothing unusual with the scenario that could excuse him for making this mistake. He had woken up next to Sirius in the Shack the morning after the full moon innumerable times. It was routine! James and Peter left for the castle when Remus transformed back, but Sirius always stayed behind to care for Remus and keep him company until just before Madam Pomfrey arrived. Sirius would wrap him up in blankets and carry him onto the bed. He would then lie down next to him - like now - and wait for Remus to wake up. This arrangement was not something they had decided on or even discussed - it had just been a natural development.

"Good thing I woke you up, eh? Otherwise, who knows what sort of intimate affection you would have bestowed upon me?" Sirius said in a feigned solemn manner.

"Oh, God!" Remus groaned, hiding his face in his hands. "This is so embarrassing..."

"It's not embarrassing - it's funny!"

"No, it's not. Really, Padfoot. I'm so sorry..."

"Ah, come on, Moony. It's no big deal. We touch each other all the time!"

"Not like this!"

"I won't tell the others if it bothers you that much.

"Thanks. I'd appreciate that."

"Okay. No harm done, then. How are you feeling, by the way?"

"The usual. Not too bad. How was the night?"

"Fine. We had fun!" grinned Sirius.

"I wish I could remember... It's so unfair. I get to experience all the pain, but not the fun part."

Sirius' face instantly assumed a sober expression. "Yeah, I'm so sorry about that, Moony. None of this is fair on you. I wish... I really wish I could -"

Remus smiled and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Don't, Padfoot. I have no right to complain. I'm probably the luckiest werewolf in the world! Without you three I'd be ripping myself apart every month. I'm eternally grateful. I'll be in your debt forever."

"Don't be silly. Of course you won't! We will do anything for you, because you're our friend. You'd do the same for any of us."

"Right."

**o0o0o**

Regulus' face lit up when he spotted Remus slipping in through the curtains surrounding his bed. Remus smiled and leaned in for a deep kiss.

"Why didn't you come yesterday?" Regulus asked when their lips parted. He took a good look at Remus and his smile faltered, giving way to a worried expression. "You don't look well..."

"I'm fine. Just a bit peaky. I was ill yesterday."

"Why weren't you here, then?"

"Oh, not _that_ ill. I was just in bed in the dormitory."

Remus _had_ , of course, been in the infirmary. Madam Pomfrey always kept him in a private room with a back entrance in order to keep things as discrete as possible.

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't very well send you a message," he continued, taking the other boy's hand.

"That's all right," said Regulus, intertwining his fingers with Remus'. After a short silence, he said: "You're ill quite often, aren't you? You were ill just last month. And the month before, if I'm not mistaken..."

Remus felt a chill rush down his neck. "Yeah. I have a rotten immune system. Always have..."

"That's too bad... It's nothing serious, is it?"

"What? Oh - no. Just flues and colds and such. So how are _you_ holding up?" Remus asked, eager to change the subject.

"I'm fine! Never better. Frankly, I don't know what I'm still doing here. I can't wait to get out. Get this ghastly hospital smell off of me..."

"Madam Pomfrey can be a bit over-protective."

"A _bit_?" Regulus said, his brows rising to his hair line.

Remus laughed. "Okay - a _lot_. She's probably afraid that you're going to throw yourself back on your broom the second she releases you. She doesn't trust you Quidditch nuts!"

"No, I most certainly do not!"

Remus turned around to see the matron drawing the curtains aside. The boys quickly exchanged gazes.

"Sorry, Madam. We didn't mean any disrespect," Regulus offered.

Pomfrey shook her head and smiled. "It's all right. Now about that - are you sure you are feeling well enough to be discharged?"

Regulus nodded eagerly.

"No headache?"

"No."

"No nausea? No dizziness?"

"None. I feel great!"

The matron contemplated her patient for a minute. "Very well," she finally said. "I suppose I can't keep you here forever. You can leave tomorrow."

**o0o0o**

For a while now James Potter had had a sneaking suspicion. A very unpleasant one. When first it had entered his head, he had almost laughed at himself for getting such a far-fetched idea, and he had dismissed it immediately. But it had lingered in the back of his mind anyway, and as more and more clues turned up, it had become a real and serious concern. Now the evidence supporting his theory had accumulated and become so substantial that he could no longer ignore it.

He was waiting patiently on his bed. Waiting for one of his best friends and a conversation that he didn't want to have. He glanced at the Marauder's Map lying unfolded next to him, that Remus, for once, had forgotten to take with him. Yes - still in the Hospital Wing. He would have to come back soon, though. Madam Pomfrey would surely kick him out any time now, even if she did extend Remus special privileges.

Finally, the dot labelled 'Remus Lupin' left the infirmary and started moving in the direction of the Gryffindor Tower.

"Hi," said James as Remus entered the dorm, closing the door behind him.

"Hey there, Prongs," Remus chirped.

But behind the jovial tone and the smile, James thought he could glimpse the slight air of guilt that Remus had been wearing a lot lately.

"We need to talk," said James.

There - _definitely_ a look of apprehension on Remus' face.

"Come sit here," he continued, patting the mattress next to him.

Remus hesitated by the door. "Where are Padfoot and Wormtail?"

"Sirius is in detention with Filch, and I asked Pete to stay out of the dorm for a while. We won't be disturbed."

Remus reluctantly walked over and sat down on the bed next to James.

"Remus. I'm going to ask you something. And... if I'm wrong then you have my sincerest apologies. I'm only going to ask once, and I'll trust you to tell me the truth. If you say no, then I promise I'll let it go."

"All right," said Remus quietly.

James took a deep breath. "Okay, here goes: Are you romantically involved with Regulus Black?"

James surveyed his friend's face, desperately hoping for it to crack into a grin followed by questions of how in Merlin's name James had gotten such a ridiculous idea.

It didn't happen. Instead, Remus looked back at him with big eyes and a stunned expression. He then dropped his gaze to his hands in his lap. After a long moment of silence he heaved a sigh and spoke in an almost whisper.

"Yes."

James had to take a minute to digest the information. He ran his hands through his hair and tugged at it in frustration.

"Fuck. FUCK, Remus! What the _hell_ is going on in that head of yours?"

Remus shrugged. "I don't know..."

"You don't know? Can you tell me who does, then? 'Cause _I_ sure as hell don't know, either!"

Remus didn't say anything. He just kept staring at his hands.

"How long?"

"A good month. One and a half if you count the first time we kissed."

"But _why_ , Remus? _Why_? Is it some kind of twisted revenge for Sirius telling Snape how to get past the Willow?"

"NO! You know I'd never do something like that! I'd never be so mean."

"Then why?"

"We're... we're really into each other. We tried to fight it, we really did, but somehow we kept ending up in each other's arms. And then it quickly turned into something more."

"How _could_ you, Remus? How could you do this to Sirius?"

"I told you, I didn't do it to hurt him! Actually he's the reason I fought so hard to not let it happen. And don't think my bad conscience hasn't been killing me ever since it started. It's been eating away at me the whole time. You have no idea how disgusted I have been with myself - still am. I feel like the worst friend ever."

And then Remus told James everything that had happened, starting from the day they had paired up in Care of Magical Creatures. During the whole account, James sat there alternately gaping at him and shaking his head in disbelief. He just could not comprehend how this could be Remus - _their_ Remus, who was the most considerate, altruistic, loyal, and self-disciplined person imaginable. Also, he couldn't fathom how someone like Remus could fall for an arrogant Slytherin prejudiced creep like Regulus.

"How did you find out?" Remus asked.

"Well. For the last couple of weeks I've suspected that there was something fishy about your girlfriend. They way you desperately tried to hide that you were seeing someone. I know you're shy, but normally you'd tell us something like that. We don't keep secrets from each other. Not after we found out that you're a werewolf. And all the lying. It's so unlike you. And you're not as good a liar as you think you are, Moony. Your bad conscience shines right through."

"Does Padfoot... is Sirius just as aware of that as you are?"

James shook his head. "No. When it comes to you he's preposterously blind. He thinks you're some kind of saint. In his eyes you can't do anything wrong. He would _never_ suspect you of something like this."

He took a deep breath and adjusted his glasses.

"Anyway, I'd come to the conclusion that the reason you didn't want us to find out who she was, was that you were embarrassed about her for some reason. And then I remembered the scarf incident and thought she might be a Slytherin, and that was why you were trying to keep her secret. And that turned out to be the truth, didn't it? Except for the fact that it wasn't a 'she'."

"I'm not embarrassed about him," Remus commented quietly.

James sent him a look of contempt and continued his account. "A couple of times I caught you ogling him during lunch, and I started wondering. But I told myself that I was being ridicules. And then there was the Quidditch match where you acted like a complete lunatic. No one cares that much for a simple acquaintance. You were scared shitless! Then the penny dropped. You disappeared every day after that. One day you'd forgotten the Map - like you did tonight - and I saw where you were."

"I'm so sorry, James. I'm so sorry you had to find out this way and I'm sorry for having lied to you."

"I didn't even know you were gay. Why didn't you tell us that? I don't get it. Don't you trust us?"

"Of course I trust you! I just hadn't come around to telling you yet. And then Regulus happened."

There was silence for a while. James sat with his head buried in his hands.

"You know, Sirius is going to go berserk..." he finally said.

"I know," Remus said darkly. "So... now what? Are you going to tell him?"

James looked intently at him. "Oh, FUCK, Remus. You're putting me in an awkward position."

"I'm sor-"

"Just shut up for a minute, okay? I need to think."

He got up and started pacing the room.

"You have to end it."

Remus' looked shell-shocked.

"I won't tell Sirius, but you have to end it. You understand that I can't keep something like this from him, right? I'm not going to lie to him to cover up for you. But if you stop it now, then I won't have to."

"But, James... I... I can't!"

James raised his eyebrows. "Of course you can!"

Remus shook his head and looked like he was about to cry.

"Don't you understand what's at stake here? You're not just risking your friendship with Sirius. You're risking the Marauders!"

"Would you... would you and Peter abandon me too?"

"No. I can't speak for Pete, but no. Of course not. But how do you think it would be - if you and Padfoot couldn't even be in the same room together? The group dynamics would go haywire. It would never be the same!"

"But maybe... I mean that's worst case scenario. Maybe Padfoot won't take it so badly. Maybe he'll just need a little time to get used to it..." Remus looked like he knew he was clutching at straws.

"I don't know, Remus. Maybe you won't lose his friendship. Maybe he won't even be mad. But you can be sure he'll feel betrayed and be hurt."

"I know. That's why I haven't told him..."

"But the root of the matter is this: The risk is there. Are you willing to risk your relationship with Sirius? With us? Are you willing to throw our friendship away... for _him_? After all we've done for you..."

James felt somewhat bad for playing that card, but he was desperate and, frankly, quite angry with Remus for putting him in this position.

Slowly Remus shook his head. "No. I'm not willing to risk that. You're right. Of course you're right. I... I just... love makes you blind, or something - isn't that what they say?"

James put a hand on his friend's knee and squeezed it lightly. "So you'll do it, then? Break up with him?"

Remus sighed heavily and nodded.

"Yes. I'll do it tomorrow."


	13. Letting Go

**Chapter 13 - Letting go**

Remus could not remember when he had last felt this horrible. He had not slept at all that night or eaten all day. He felt sick and miserable, and the guilt weighed down on him more than ever. Guilt for what he had been doing to Sirius, guilt for feeling something akin to hatred toward James and, most of all, guilt for what he was about to do to Regulus.

They had planned to meet after dinner. Remus went early to wait in the classroom they had agreed on. He didn't want to go to dinner. He was not hungry anyway and didn't think he could cope with sitting next to Sirius and James right now.

Regulus was practically glowing. He looked healthy and happy to be out of the infirmary. Remus couldn't help noting how lovely he looked out of the hospital gown and back in his neat uniform.

"I've missed you," Regulus said, carefully smoothing Remus' hair away from his face.

"We've seen each other every day the past week!"

"Well, I've missed being alone with you," he smirked. "In private."

"Oh. That."

Regulus closed the small gap between them and softly pressed his lips to Remus'. Remus engaged in the kiss for a short moment, but then he gently pushed the younger boy away by the shoulders.

"Reg, wait. There's... there's something I have to tell you."

"Can't it wait?" Regulus said and tried to kiss Remus again.

"No, it can't wait."

He took a step back, sighing. "Well, what is it, then?"

Remus tried to gather courage to do what he had to do. 

"I have to..."

"Yes?"

 _Don't be a coward,_ Remus scolded himself, _the least you can do is look him in the eye when you tell him._

"Regulus, I..." he trailed off once again as he looked at the other boy's face. 

The more he got to know him and the more time he spend studying him, the more he noticed the little differences between his and Sirius' faces. Regulus' features were slightly finer, which was probably one of the reasons why he seemed more fragile than his brother. Sirius' smile was bigger and much more radiant, but Regulus got the most adorable little dimples when he smiled. Their eyes were basically the same, although the grey in Regulus' was a bit darker. Their expressions, however, were very different. In fact, Remus thought, this was the biggest of all differences in the Black brothers' appearances. Sirius' eyes were always very intense with whatever emotion he was feeling. They could sparkle with delight and mischief or flash with anger. Regulus' eyes, on the other hand, were mild and calm with a thoughtful, often sad expression. They had a softness to them, that Remus had come to love. When he was hiding behind his public facade they looked cool and distant. Right now they were starting to look worried with a hint of fear and his brow was slightly furrowed.

"Remus, is something wrong? You look upset."

Remus opened his mouth to speak, but the words refused to come out. 

"What is it?"

"I... I'm sorry. But I have to..."

"What are you saying? Are you... you're not going to..." Regulus said and swallowed visibly.

Remus couldn't go on. The words were suffocated in his throat. 

"Remus, say something!"

"I want to show you something," he finally said.

Regulus looked surprised. "Oh. What is it?"

"You'll see. Do you know where the tapestry with Barnabas the Barmy and the trolls on seventh floor is?"

Regulus nodded.

"Let me get a head start and then meet me there in ten minutes."

**o0o0o**

"I've never noticed there was a door here."

"Well, usually there isn't. I just made it appear."

Regulus eyed him sceptically.

"It's a secret room. It only appears to someone in need. Padfoot and I found it by accident one time when..." He trailed off. "Um, Padfoot is-"

"Yes, I know who Padfoot is, thank you very much," Regulus interrupted dryly.

Remus cleared his throat. "Well, anyway, one has to walk by it three times, thinking about what he needs, and it will appear, equipped for the occasion."

"Wow. This is brilliant!" said Regulus once they were inside. "So you ordered a little cosy room with a big nice bed in it, did you?"

"Basically," said Remus, blushing a bit. "I thought it would be a nice alternative to tables and walls..."

Regulus let out a laugh. "Why would you think that? I just _love_ the feeling of a door knob digging into my back while you ravish me..."

"Very funny, Black."

They slowly undressed one another. They had never seen each other all naked before, so they were both a bit bashful and quickly crept under the sheets.

"So... we're naked."

"So we are."

"What do we do now?"

Remus smiled. "Wing it, I guess."

It turned out not to be a problem. Their shyness was soon forgotten as they became absorbed in mapping out each other's bodies. Although he had expected it, Remus was still overwhelmed with just how beautiful and perfect Regulus was. He took his good time to worship every little inch of him. Time stood still as they moved against each other, kissing and touching, whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears.

**o0o0o**

Remus fondly watched Regulus who was lying on his back with his eyes closed and a peaceful expression on his face. He gently ran a couple of fingers along his features. Regulus sighed contentedly and smiled softly. Remus felt all dizzy with emotions for him.

"Reg. We can't fall asleep. We need to get back to our houses."

"Just a while longer," Regulus whined and cuddled up closer to Remus.

"Our friends will wonder where we are."

"It's none of their business."

"Be that as it may, they might get suspicious."

"Not mine," Regulus said flatly. "We're not like you four who are basically attached at the hips. They're used to me not being there. I try to stay away from the dungeons as much as I can."

"Why?"

"I... I don't like being around people all of the time. It's suffocating. And the Slytherin Dungeon is so... cold and gloomy. A bit like Grimmauld Place..."

Remus looked at him in surprise. "What? You don't like your own home?"

"I didn't say that," Regulus said hurriedly. "Of course I do. It's a magnificent house! I'm very privileged to live there. But sometimes it can get a bit - how do I put it - dark and depressing."

Remus felt bad for Regulus. He himself _loved_ the Gryffindor Tower. He viewed is as a second home and could not imagine ever wanting to escape it.

**o0o0o**

It was past midnight when Remus returned to the Tower. All lights were out in the dorm and Remus snuck in, closing the door carefully behind him and tiptoeing across the floor, hoping not to wake anybody.

James, however, was not sleeping. He crept out of bed and motioned for Remus to follow him out of the dormitory. 

The common room was deserted and they sat down in a sofa by the fire.

"So... How'd it go?" James asked quietly.

Remus was silent for a moment. Then he said, "I didn't do it. I couldn't."

"Oh, Remus." James put a hand on his shoulder. "I know it must be unpleasant, but you won't make it easier by dragging it out. It's better to get it over with." 

"I can't."

James looked at him, surprised. "What do you mean, you can't?"

"I can't do it, Prongs."

James narrowed his eyes. "Either you can't or you won't."

"Okay, then. I won't."

"Why? Is he that good in the sack?"

"It's got nothing to do with that! You know it doesn't."

"Then why?"

Remus took a deep breath. "I love him."

"You WHAT?"

"You heard me. I love him."

James shook his head in disbelief. "No you don't. You might be _in_ love with him, but you don't love him."

"I am and I do."

"You don't love him, Remus. You can't. You've only been with him for a couple of months! You can't possibly have gotten that close with him."

"You love Lily, don't you?"

James looked at Remus like he was insane. "Of course! You _know_ I do!"

"You haven't even been with her for a couple of months. In fact you haven't been with her at all."

"You can't compare the two. I've been in love with her for years!"

"And yet I'm closer with Regulus than you've ever been with her."

"Are you saying you don't believe I love Lily?"

"Not at all. I'm saying that there are no rules for when and how you come to love someone."

James didn't seem to have a reply to shoot back. He buried his face in his hands and sighed.

"Remus. You... I don't understand. How can you love a creep like him? He's a pure-blood elitist, for Merlin's sake. He's arrogant and insensitive and cruel." 

"Don't tell me what he is!" snapped Remus. "You don't know him."

"I still don't get it. What's so great about him?"

"You know that blank or slightly haughty expression he always wears in public? How he never smiles?"

James shrugged.

"Well, when it's just the two of us, he smiles. _I_ make him smile. He's a totally different person when he's away from his house mates."

There was a long silence. Finally Remus spoke again.

"I'd appreciate it if you let me tell Padfoot myself."

"Remus - wait. I don't... I need to think about this... Just wait a bit, okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't tell him just yet. If this is really how you feel, I'm not gonna rat you out. But I don't know how we should deal with Sirius. Give me a while to get my head straight, all right?"

"But you were right before. We can't keep him in the dark. It's not right. And I can't ask you to lie for me."

"I know, but we need to consider this. Figure out how best to break it to him. I just need some time to think it over. So keep it secret a bit longer, yeah? And for Godric's sake, be careful! I don't want him to catch the two of you at it," he grimaced.

Remus was overcome with relief and gratefulness. He could barely believe it. He wasn't going to lose James. He still wanted to be his friend!

"Thank you, James. Thank you so much! Thank you for understanding."

"I _don't_ understand. But if this is truly how you feel... if you really do love him, then I can't ask you to let him go."


	14. A Matter of Trust

**Chapter 14 - A Matter of Trust**

It was the last Hogsmeade trip before Christmas. Regulus sent Remus a stealthy smile and, after checking that nobody was looking, Remus returned it.

They had run into each other by accident, of course. Remus had left his friends at Zonko's, feeling that half an hour was more than enough time to spend there. Obviously, the other Marauders had not agreed with him, and Remus had decided to go to Tomes and Scrolls and meet up with them later at the Three Broomsticks.

So now they were standing on either side of a large table, stacked with reduced price books, browsing and stealing glimpses of each other. Remus felt a bit ridiculous that his best idea of a good time on the most popular Hogsmeade trip of the year was to stand there and cast stupid grins at his boyfriend. God, he felt like a lovesick schoolboy. Which of course, on second thought, was exactly what he was.

The magic moment was shattered by a shrill voice as a woman with long curly black hair stepped up to Regulus. When he saw her, something Remus could only interpret as sheer terror flashed across his face, but almost immediately he had it schooled back into its usual blank expression.

"Awww," she drawled in an overly sweet tone. "If it isn't my _darling_ baby cousin, Reggie." She pinched his cheek hard, her long finger nails leaving an angry red mark.

"Hello, Bella," he replied coolly.

The witch was accompanied by a man with long platinum blond hair and fair skin. He and Regulus greeted each other with a nod.

Both the man and the woman looked like they were in their mid to late twenties. Upper class from the looks of their robes, and there was no doubt that the witch was a Black; Remus could have guessed it even if he had not heard her addressing Regulus as 'cousin'. She had the signature aristocratic features and elegant beauty of the family.

"You must join us for lunch at the Hog's Head. We should have ourselves a nice little chat," she said.

"I don't know... I'm sort of busy. Have a lot of presents to buy yet..."

"But surely Regulus have nothing more important to do than spend time with his family, dear Bella," said the blond man in a cold voice.

"No, off course not," said Regulus, bowing his head. "I apologise."

"What is _he_ doing here?" the woman suddenly asked, pointing at Remus. Her face contracted in disgust as she took in his worn Muggle clothes.

Regulus shrugged. "What do I know? I don't associate with his kind."

"Eavesdropping, are we?" she sneered at Remus. "Keep your nose out of respectable peoples' business, you lowly piece of trash!"

Remus stood there, rooted to the spot. After witnessing Regulus' initial reaction, he found it very hard to just walk away, leaving him alone with these people. This witch was obviously Bellatrix Lestrange. Sirius had told him that she was utterly deranged. Even though it was well known that insanity ran in the Black family, she supposedly was something out of the ordinary. 'Twisted and completely devoid of conscience,' Sirius had said. Looking into her eyes now, Remus believed every word. And he was supposed to just let her march off with Regulus?

Bellatrix glared menacingly at him. "Well? What are you standing there for? You better be on your way if you know what's good for you!"

"What the hell do you think you're doing? " yelled Regulus suddenly. "Get the fuck away from us! Idiotic Gryffindor! BUGGER OFF!"

Sensing the panic in his voice, Remus finally came to his senses. What was he thinking, drawing attention to himself in front of Regulus' family? Not a very good way to keep people from getting suspicious. They shouldn't have been standing so close in the first place.

He mumbled a quick apology and left the store in a hurry.

**o0o0o**

"Who was that in the bookshop, yesterday?"

Remus was resting his head on Regulus' shoulder, his fingers drawing lazy circles on his bare chest.

"Who?" said Regulus airily.

"You know who I mean. Your cousin?"

"Yeah. My cousin Bellatrix. And Lucius Malfoy - my other cousin's husband."

"What did they want?"

Regulus shrugged. "Nothing, really. Just to chat. You know - being family and all. They were out Christmas shopping and just ran into me."

"You didn't look too happy to see them..."

"Oh - they just startled me. That's all. They're all right."

"Okay..."

Before Remus could say anything else, Regulus had pressed their lips together and slipped his tongue into his mouth, efficiently silencing him, making him forget what he was about to say. Remus surrendered immediately, allowing Regulus to do with him whatever he wished. Damn it - that boy would be able to seduce anybody with just a snog.

He felt himself being pushed gently onto his back, and he sighed in pleasure as Regulus slowly started kissing his way down his neck. Next, a soft tongue was trailing along his collarbone and down his chest. He arched his chest up as Regulus gently worried a nipple with teeth and tongue.

"Sweet Merlin, Reg... you make me..."

He felt Regulus chuckle silently against his skin as he moved further down across his abdomen and then - _oh!_ Now he was hovering over his cock, teasingly flicking his tongue over the tip.

"Regulus, _please,_ " he begged, and the other boy obediently complied, sliding his lips down his shaft.

Remus lost himself in the warm wetness surrounding him, knowing that he wouldn't last long, even though it hadn't been half an hour since he had last come. And sure enough, just a few minutes later he was crying out as the younger boy finished him off with a few flicks of his wrist.

When the waves of pleasure had washed away he opened his eyes and stared into Regulus' lust blown ones. Remus quickly flipped him over to reciprocate.

He soon had Regulus writhing and moaning, thrusting up into his mouth. With his fingers twisted in his hair, he murmured unintelligible things as Remus swirled his tongue around the head and up and down the spit slicked shaft.

Regulus' breath and thrusts were becoming short and erratic. "Oh God, I'm... I'm gonna..." He tugged at Remus' hair, trying to pull his head away, but Remus wouldn't have it; he held on to the hips and hollowed his cheeks, sucking hard until the other boy bucked up, spurting down his throat. He swallowed quickly and kept sucking until there was nothing left.

Remus looked up and was met by big eyes and a stunned expression.

"You... you... swallowed?"

"You're very observant," chuckled Remus as he moved up and lay down next to his boyfriend.

"But that's... people do that?"

"No, I'm just a depraved pervert."

Regulus raised his eyebrows.

"No, I think it's pretty normal, Reg. At least that's what I hear from my house mates' bragging about their conquests in the common room... Don't you ever listen to _your_ house mates talking about sex?"

"I most certainly do not!" Regulus huffed, sounding slightly offended.

"No, of course you don't," laughed Remus.

"Such things are a private matter."

"So you didn't like it?" Remus asked, a bit worried.

"I didn't say that."

"Is that a blush on your face? Are you blushing, Mr. Black?"

"No!"

"You _are_ blushing!" Remus laughed.

"Am not! Blacks don't blush."

**o0o0o**

"Regulus, there's something you should know."

They had just gotten dressed and were about to leave for their respective houses.

"Hmm?" The other boy looked up from adjusting his necktie.

"James knows about us."

Regulus' face went white. "What? He knows? How did... how did... He's going to tell. Oh, God - he's going to tell! Everybody will know!"

"Calm down. He won't tell. He promised me."

"And you _believe_ that?"

"Of course."  
"Remus, you're so naïve sometimes. He'll tell. Of course he will! He'll LOVE to get me into trouble."

"Reg, he won't," said Remus, placing a soothing hand on his thigh. "I guarantee it. Even if he doesn't care about you, he would never do anything to hurt _me_."

"He'll tell Sirius! I'm as good as dead."

"He won't tell Sirius either. He gave me his word."

Regulus snorted. "Sirius is his beloved _brother_ ," he spat. "They share everything, don't they? Do you honestly believe he will keep quiet for your sake?"

"Yes I do. And if you don't believe that, there's also another reason why he wouldn't out us."

"And what might that be?"

"Lily. He's crazily in love with her - as you and the rest of the school must be only too aware of - and he would be in big trouble with her if he did anything. She's very supportive of us."

"She... what? She knows, _too_?"

"Err, yes. She's known for a while."

"How?"

"I told her."

Regulus' eyes widened. "You - WHAT? Why would you tell someone? Do you _want_ us to be revealed?"

"I needed to confide in someone. She's a very good friend of mine. She's been a great help, actually. If it wasn't for her it would all have come out when you got injured at the Quidditch game."

"But why would you tell her? Why would you tell _anybody_?"

"I just told you! I needed to share this with someone I could trust. I needed advice."

Regulus buried his face in his hands. "You don't realise how reckless you've been, do you?"

"I haven't been reckless. There is no way she would ever let anything slip. I trust her 100 %. James too."

"You can't trust anybody, Remus."

"What? Of course I can! I know them well and I know I can trust them. End of story. Stop being so paranoid, Reg."

"How can you be so gullible? You can't trust anyone 100 %. That's the harsh reality of life."

"Don't _you_ trust anybody?" Remus asked incredulously.

"No."

"You don't trust _me_?"

"Of course I don't!"

The statement struck Remus like a bucket of cold water. The shock and hurt must have shown, because Regulus' expression and tone softened.

"Well, I... don't take it personally, Remus. I probably trust you more than is good for me, you know. But complete trust? I could never do that."

" _I_ trust _you_! Completely."

"Then you're an idiot."

"Are you saying that I _can't_ trust you?"

"I'm saying that _no one_ can trust _anyone_. On principle. You open up to someone, confide in them, expose yourself. Next thing you know, they stab you in the back and use your weaknesses against you! Or they trample on your feelings and leave you in the dirt."

Remus took a minute to compose himself. "I don't know what you've experienced, Regulus, but not all people would do something like that."

"Even if that were true, how would you know who would and who wouldn't until it's too late?"

"You listen to your heart."

"Bollocks."

"It must be very lonely never trusting anybody," Remus mused.

Regulus just shrugged.

"Of course you have to be careful who you trust; I know all about that. But I know Lily - she'd never betray us. She wouldn't, Reg"

"Well, maybe she wouldn't. She... she seems like a descent person. Not the gossiping type. Honestly, I'm not so much worried about her as I am about Potter."

"Isn't it ironic that you think higher of Lily who is Muggle-born than James who is a pure-blood?"

Regulus' brow furrowed and he wrung his hands. "It's... that's... Evans is different. She's not like the other Mudbloods. She's an exception."

"And James?"

"Is a mean bastard!"

"He's pure-blood. As is Sirius."

"Well, there are exceptions to all rules. They're both a disgrace to their lineage."

"But you can see the irony, right?"

Regulus straightened his back, arms folded across his chest. "Not at all. There are a few rotten eggs - so what? That doesn't mean that pure-bloods aren't generally more worthy and better people than those of lower blood status. That's just the way it is."

"And what about me, Regulus?" said Remus quietly. "What do you think of me?"

"You know what I think of you."

"I'm half-blood. Do you think you're a better person than me?"

Regulus bit his lip. "No. Of course I don't. I thought you knew that."

"I have no fine lineage. My mum is a Muggle."

"That's irrelevant. You're..."

"Another exception?"

"Shut up, Remus!" Regulus suddenly moved backwards, holding his hands to his ears. "SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Remus had never seen him this agitated before. In fact he had barely even seen him angry, let alone lose his temper. He wasn't hot blooded like his brother.

"Reg..." Remus stepped forward and reached out to put a calming hand on the other boy's shoulder.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Regulus yelled. And with that he stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

It took only a few seconds for Remus to react. He wrenched the door open and chased after his boyfriend.

"Reg, wait!" he called. "STOP! Listen to me, damn it!"

He caught up with him halfway down the corridor and seized his arm.

"Let GO!" cried Regulus angrily and twisted his arm out of Remus' grip. But before he could run off again Remus had thrown his arms around him.

"I'm sorry I upset you. I shouldn't have pushed you so much. I'm sorry."

Regulus desperately tried to wring himself free, but Remus held on tight. Finally he stopped struggling but remained tense in Remus' embrace.

"Come on, let's go back in for a while," Remus wheedled . "I don't want us to part like this. We'll be going home tomorrow and I can't bear the thought of us going two weeks without having made up."

Regulus sighed and relaxed into Remus' embrace. "I don't want to, either," he mumbled into his jumper.

They stood there for a long while, just holding each other.

"I'm going to miss you," said Regulus, his face still buried in Remus' jumper.

"I'll miss you too."


	15. Missing You

**Chapter 15 - Missing You**

It took all of Remus' willpower not to throw himself in his boyfriend's arms and snog him silly when he spotted him standing with his father and Kreacher at King's Cross Station after Christmas. They couldn't even risk smiling at each other with so many people watching. All he dared was allow their gazes to meet for a few seconds. He thought he saw his own yearning mirrored in Regulus' eyes. Remus thought he looked lovelier and more irresistible than ever.

The next second he was struggling to remain upright as he was literally jumped by a very exited Sirius Black.

"MOONY!" he squealed and hugged him so tightly that Remus wondered if his face was turning blue. 

"Missed you, old chap!" he continued and planted a theatrical smack on Remus' forehead.

"Padfoot, honestly," Remus grumbled, wiping his forehead with his sleeve. "I've missed you too, but could you at least _try_ to behave a bit less like a dog?"

"No can do. It's in my nature!"

"Yes, you can. It's not like Prongs runs around head-butting everyone. No - don't you get any ideas!" he added when he noticed the impish grin that appeared on the face of James, who had just joined Sirius at Remus' side.

While chatting with Sirius, the Potters, and his parents, Remus went back to his discrete Regulus-watching.

Now the boy was talking to Kreacher, who was looking up at him with huge adoring eyes. Remus knew quite a lot about the elf, since Regulus often talked about him. In fact, so far Remus had heard a lot more about Kreacher than any of the family members. He knew what bedtime stories he used to tell Regulus when he was little, what his favourite food was, that he could recite the Black family tree twenty generations back by heart, and even that his birthday was November 23.

Remus was not surprised to see Kreacher dressed in a silk claret pillowcase, very unlike the old rags most house-elves wore. After all, the Blacks did believe they were practically royal, so it made sense that they would want even their servants to look presentable. The pillowcase even had the family crest embroidered on it, and Kreacher appeared to wear it with great pride.

Regulus' father was conversing with a couple of the other parents. Remus would have bet quite a lot that one of them was Mulciber's father, judging by the thick eyebrows and pointy chin. Orion was a handsome man, Remus thought, but he had an unattractive, stern look on his face, and his eyes had neither the spark of Sirius' nor the softness of Regulus'.

When the train was about to leave, Remus said goodbye to his parents.

"See you at graduation, Son. Make us proud," said his father and ruffled his hair fondly.

"Of course he will! He always makes us proud," his mother said. She hugged and kissed him until he pulled away, a little embarrassed. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Regulus studying them intently. His expression gave Remus no clue as to what he was thinking.

Orion shook his son's hand ceremoniously, looking as grave as ever, and said something to him that made him nod and look down at his shoes.

Regulus gave the elf a small smile and a pat on the head. It looked as if it was about to cry. Then he boarded the train and disappeared out of Remus' field of view.

**o0o0o**

Sitting in the prefects' compartment - so close and yet not able to touch - was nothing short of torture. Regulus looked indifferent and distant as usual, but Remus could sense his discomfort and noticed how he consistently avoided looking at him, Lily, or James. Remus couldn't blame him. James' eyes kept darting between Regulus and him as if he expected them to start shagging in the middle of the compartment any minute. Remus was sure that James thought he was being subtle and had no intention of drawing attention to them, but it irked him nevertheless, and he was quite grateful when Lily, a few minutes later, put a stop to it with a well-aimed elbow jab.

As soon as Lily's information speech was over, Regulus excused himself and left the compartment.

Remus had had a rough couple of weeks. Sure he had enjoyed spending time with his family - he always did - but he had missed Regulus terribly. He had been fine whenever he was busy socialising, eating, talking, or playing games with family members, but in the quiet hours thoughts of the Slytherin had plagued his mind.

He had received a letter from him on Christmas day. It had been wonderful to hear from him, but he was sorry that he couldn't do the same for Regulus.

_Dear R_

_I hope you are doing well and are having a nice holiday. I am. It is good to see the family again._

_I have something for you, but I would rather give it to you myself, so you will have to wait until we are back at school._

_I am only risking this one letter, and DO NOT send a reply. My parents are in the habit of intercepting my mail. Yes, I know what you are thinking, but they only do it because they care about me, to check that I do not stray. Can you blame them, after what my brother did?_

_Anyway, I am fine. We are going to a lot of dinner parties. Most are all right, but it does get a bit tedious in the long run. It is all very posh and ceremonial._

_I miss you and cannot wait to see you again._

_Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,_

_R_

**o0o0o**

When Remus walked down the aisle looking for Sirius' and Peter's compartment, a hand suddenly shut out and yanked him into a toilet. Next, Regulus had him pinned to the wall and was snogging him frantically. Remus kissed back as if his life depended on it.

Regulus was cradling his head in his hands so hard it was almost painful, but Remus didn't care. He had slung his own arms around the other boy and was digging his fingers into his buttocks with even more force, pulling him as close as he possibly could.

Regulus was hard and Remus could feel himself respond quickly. Soon they were rutting desperately against each other, two weeks of want and need finally getting an outlet. Their lips never left each other from start to finish, although towards the end it was not so much kissing as just panting into each other's mouths.

"Merlin's pants, I've missed you!" Regulus said, when he had finally caught his breath.

"I hope you've missed _my_ pants more than Merlin's," Remus chuckled.

"Idiot," replied Regulus and gave him a half-hearted slap on the chest.

An unnerving thought suddenly hit Remus.

"Reg... this door is pretty thin. If somebody is out there they might have heard us."

"Shit! We'll have to check."

"If there's someone there, they'll see! Which one of us is going to peep?"

"You," Regulus said quickly. "People think you have a girlfriend. They'll just assume you've been fooling around with her in here."

"Yes, that's a good point. Besides, you do sound a bit like a girl when you come."

Remus didn't know whether to be afraid of or laugh at the furious glare that comment earned him.

"I'm joking, okay? Sorry. That wasn't nice," he said and brought his hand up to caress the other boy's face.  
Regulus still looked offended, but didn't push the hand away. "I'm never having sex with you again," he muttered.

Remus smiled. "Now, why don't I believe that?"

"Well, are you going to look, or what?"

Remus opened the door just enough for him to peep out. To his relief there was no one in sight.

"I think we're in the clear. But we'll have to be more careful, Reg."

Regulus nodded. He looked gorgeous, his lips red and puffy from the rough kissing. Remus just had to lean in and kiss them again.

"I've missed you too, you know," he said when he pulled away a minute later. "You have no idea how much."

"Why do you let him touch you like that?"

"Who?" asked Remus, confused.

"My brother, of course."

"I don't... He's always been like that. It's just friendly affection."

"It looks _very_ friendly, to me..."

Remus heaved a sigh. "We've been over this before, Reg. You know we're close. And he's a very physical person. It doesn't mean anything - honestly!"

"You're leading him on."

"WHAT?"

"He wants you."

Remus shook his head and let out a laugh. "No, he doesn't!"

"Yes, he does! I can see it in his eyes. I know him, Remus."

"No offence, but the last 6 years I've known him better than you."

"I'm telling you he wants you!" Regulus said stubbornly.

"I guarantee you - if he did, he would have made a pass at me long ago. When he fancies someone, he doesn't just sit around."

Regulus was pouting, not looking convinced at all.

"Stop being so paranoid. And even if you were right, what would it matter? I don't want him - I want _you_."


	16. Revelations

**Chapter 16 - Revelations**

As soon as the feast was over they both hurried off to the Room of Requirement, which had quickly become their regular hideaway.

It felt so good being together again, holding him close. The quick encounter on the train wasn't anywhere near enough to make up for their time apart. But something was slightly off. Regulus seemed a bit ill at ease. Remus couldn't quite pinpoint what it was about him.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You just seem a little... odd."

Regulus shrugged. "Well, I'm fine."

They snogged for a little while and Regulus pleasured Remus, but he didn't want him to reciprocate. He gently pushed his hand away when he tried to slip off his briefs.

"Why not? What's wrong?"

"I just don't feel like it. I'm not in the mood for sex."

"Then why did you go down on me?"

"I wanted to please you. Why? Wasn't I any good?" He sounded a little unsure.

Remus smiled. "I'm definitely not complaining!"

"I'm glad," said Regulus, flashing Remus a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes  
.  
He might try to act as if everything was fine, and he _was_ extremely good at hiding his true feelings, but Remus wasn't fooled. He had gotten very good at seeing through that mask of his, and he could tell when it was on and when it wasn't.

"Regulus... is something wrong?" he asked once again.

And once again, the answer was, "No."

"Are you sure? You seem upset. Did something happen? You can tell me."

"Yes, I'm sure," came the strained response.

"Tell me about your holiday, then. Did you celebrate Christmas at home? And what about New Year's Eve?"

"For fuck's sake, Remus! Don't you ever shut up?" Regulus snapped. "Do we _have_ to talk?"

"No," said Remus, a little baffled at the uncharacteristic harshness of his boyfriend.

"Can't we just lie here for a while?"

"Sure."

They lay there for so long that Remus was starting to doze off when Regulus finally broke the silence.

"There was... " he started, but trailed off. "You know there were all these dinner parties... At three of them... Well, I was introduced to three girls."

Remus was lying on his side, watching Regulus, who was on his back, hands folded on his chest. He was looking up at the ceiling and appeared to be speaking to it and not Remus.

"My parents, they... I... I have to choose one."

"What?" said Remus, not understanding. "Choose one?"

"To marry."

Remus felt as if something heavy hit him. For a moment he couldn't say anything. Then it burst out of him, "But you can't! You're gay!"

"I can't very well tell them that, can I? Besides, it hardly matters."

Remus was speechless.

"They are very nice girls. All from old respectable pure-blood families. One of them is a van de Vyvere - the most powerful wizarding family in Belgium. I think my father secretly hopes I pick her. That would be a great asset for us," mused Regulus.

"They can't honestly expect you to be interested in a girl you've just met!"

"It doesn't matter whether I'm interested or not. I'm not being asked."

Remus had raised his head off the bed, supporting it with his hand, trying to get a better look at Regulus' face, but Regulus refused to look at him. His gaze remained fixed on the ceiling.

"They expect you to just marry someone they picked out for you?"

"Yes."

"But that's... what if you refuse?"

"I don't have a say in it."

"Of course you do! They can't make you marry someone you don't want to."

"Yes, they can."

"No they can't, Reg. You have rights. There are laws to protect you. Forced marriages are illegal."

Regulus let out a bitter laugh. "Those laws don't apply to _us_. Do you honestly think any ministry official would dare meddle with the affairs of the old pure-blood families? This is how it's done, Remus. It's how it's always been. How else are we supposed to remain pure?"

Remus refused to believe that arranged marriages were the norm in pure-blood families, and he told Regulus so.  
"No, of course not all do it this way," was the reply. "Most families have only remained pure by chance. And with many of them it's just a matter of time. Like the Potters, for instance. Your friend is about to ruin his family name - if Evans ends up succumbing to his pestering, that is."

"Apart from the fact that I don't see why that should be a bad thing, I don't know any pure-bloods who have married someone their parents chose for them. They've maintained their blood status simply by making sure only to marry other pure-bloods.

"That's not good enough for the Ancient House of Black. Merely remaining pure isn't enough. There are many other criteria to be met. History. Respectability. Values. Looks."

"Looks?"

"Yes. Beauty has always been a Black trademark. There is a standard we aim for. Certain features, build, and such. Hair preferably black, eyes grey. And it also has to be taken into consideration whether the couple complement each other. For instance, I'm a bit on the slight side, so to compensate for that, my future wife can't be. Otherwise our children might become too slight."

Remus felt sick. The things Regulus said reminded him of when his Muggle uncle, who was an enthusiastic breeder of spaniels, talked about matching sires and dams. He would go on and on about coat colours, hip angles, and chest depths.

"So you see, finding a suitable spouse isn't easy," Regulus finished. "It's a task best left to the elders."

"Regulus - you're not a piece of breeding stock."

The younger boy smiled wryly. "Technically I am. I have to do my part in carrying on the family name. It's my most important function."

"You're not a piece of breeding stock!" Remus repeated. "You're a person! They can't treat you like that! Did they even consider that this might not be what you want?"

"They don't _care_ what I want. It's unimportant. It is family over individual. Always. Years from now I'll be rotting in my grave, but the family name lives on."

Regulus was calm, speaking in a monotonous tone.

"I'm lucky, actually."  
"Lucky?"

"I get to choose between three. They could have just picked out one, but because they love me so much they went through the trouble of finding three so that I have a choice."

 _Call that love one more time_ , Remus thought bitterly.

"When?"

"Summer."

"THIS summer?"

"Yeah."

"But... you're 16! You're not even of age!" Remus exclaimed.

"I will be in June."

"Why can't it wait? What's the hurry?"

"They want an heir, and they want it fast, because I'm the last one, and if something happens to me our line will end."

"Why would you die so young?"

"These are dangerous times. With the war and all. They can't afford to take any risks."

"But what about school? You still have another year."

"Yeah. Well, actually they were discussing the possibility of letting me wait another year. I don't know what they settle on, but I imaging it will be this summer, because that's what my mother wants, and she usually gets her way."

Remus had a huge lump in his throat. He couldn't believe what he was hearing; that this was happening.

"Reg... you're not actually considering going through with this, are you?" he asked, dreading the answer.

"I don't have a choice."

"Of course you do. Just say 'no'."

"I can't say 'no'. I have no right to refuse them."

"Yes you do! This is a free country. They don't own you - especially after you come of age."

"It doesn't work that way. It's my duty. I can't betray my family, its future lies on my shoulders. If Sirius... if he hadn't abandoned us things would be different. I would have had more freedom. This was _his_ job. _His_ duty. One that he so kindly passed on to me when he left. And there wasn't even the same amount of pressure on him, because I was there as his spare. Now it's just me. I don't have a spare."

Remus had never thought of it this way. Somehow he had always just assumed that Regulus was pleased with Sirius out of the way and his new position as heir. But of course he had never imagined exactly what it involved. _Or I haven't allowed myself to imagine it_ , he corrected himself.

"I thought you were proud to be the heir... You always talk like -"

"Oh, of course I am. I didn't mean to sound ungrateful. It's a great honour."

For a while there was an uncomfortable silence.

"Regulus. How do you feel?"

He raised his eyebrows. "What?"

"How do you feel?" Remus repeated. "How do you feel about all of this?"

"I comes with the position. When you're sole heir to a noble family name -"

"I didn't ask for an explanation. I asked you how this makes you feel."

Regulus pressed his lips together and didn't answer.

"Regulus? Regulus!"

"What?"

"I asked you a question."

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters! Reg, answer me! How do you FEEL?"

Regulus slowly turned his head toward Remus and their eyes locked.

"How do you feel?" Remus repeated in a soft voice.

The younger boy gulped. And then it was as if something broke inside of him. He launched himself at Remus and burst into loud violent sobs. Remus put his arms around him and rested his cheek on his head.

"I don't want to!" Regulus kept repeating between sobs, the words being muffled by Remus' chest, which he was pressing his face into.

Remus' heart ached. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing his own tears to stay back. He was overwhelmed with compassion for his boyfriend and fear for the future, but he couldn't lose his composure now - Regulus needed him to be strong.

"There, now. I've got you," he murmured and kept stroking and kissing Regulus' hair.

He didn't say, 'everything is going to be fine,' because he honestly didn't know if it was, and he didn't want to make false promises.

Regulus kept crying and crying, showing no indication of slowing down anytime soon. Remus wondered when he had last wept onto someone's shoulder and whose. He guessed it had been a while and that, judging from the vehemence of the reaction now, he had been suppressing his emotions for quite a long time.

"It's all right," he whispered, rocking the distraught boy in his arms. "It's okay to cry."

"Nobody ever asks.. ever..." he sobbed. "I don't want to... don't want to get married..."

"Then say 'no'. Put your foot down."

Regulus shook his head vigorously and struggled to get his sobbing somewhat under control so he could speak.

"You have no idea what they might do if I defy them."

Remus sighed. "No, I guess I don't."

He didn't. Regulus was generally very secretive about his family relations and very rarely wanted to talk about them.

"But you can do it, Reg. You don't have to bend to their every wish. You can say 'no'. Sirius did."

"And look what happened to him!"

"Sirius is fine. He's had a rough time, yes, but he's much happier than you are."

"I can't. It's different. I'm not like him. I'm not strong. And I can't let my family down. I can't lose them, Remus."

Remus picked up his discarded shirt and used it to wipe tears and snot off of his chest and Regulus' face.

"Look. You said that they might let you wait until next summer, right? Why don't you try to make that happen? Persuade them. You don't have to say 'no'. Just... stall for time. And who knows how things look then. Can you try to do that?" he said, his fingers gently lifting Regulus' face by the chin.

Regulus sniffed and nodded. Then he started sobbing again with renewed force and buried his face in the crook of Remus' neck.

Remus waited patiently, whispering comforting words and stroking his cheek and hair. Finally he could feel Regulus starting to exhaust himself and knew that he would soon fall asleep.

"Don't leave. Please don't leave me!" he sobbed, sounding desperate. "I need you."

Remus wasn't sure if he meant in general or just now.

"It's all right. I'm here. I won't leave you."

"Please don't leave me..." Regulus murmured a few more times before he finally drifted off.

Remus dried the remaining tears off of his sleeping face and made himself comfortable next to him, drawing the covers around them. There was no way he was going back to his dorm tonight. He would have to deal with it in the morning. Maybe James would be able to cover for him. Or not. Right now it didn't seem very important.


	17. And Things Hit the Fan

**Chapter 17 - And Things Hit the Fan**

Remus woke up early the next morning to an empty bed. When had Regulus left? _Why_ had he left - without waking him first? He didn't understand. Last night the younger boy had been desperately clinging to him, begging him not to leave. He had broken down and opened up to him, and now he had just disappeared. Needless to say, Remus was more than a little worried.

He got up and dressed quickly. He had to find Regulus to see if he was all right and find out why he had fled the scene. He inwardly cursed James and Peter for losing the Map. Just before Christmas they had been careless enough to get caught while wandering the castle after curfew, and Filch had confiscated it. Remus realised now just how dependent on that map they had actually become. And right now he could have really used it. He couldn't go to the Slytherin Dungeon and he couldn't ask anybody for his boyfriend. 

His anxiety intensified when he found Regulus' usual seat empty at breakfast. Sirius and Peter were bugging him about where he had been all night, but Remus brushed them off rather curtly. 

He skived off Transfiguration so he could wait outside the Charms classroom where he knew Regulus had a lesson then. To his great relief he spotted him among the students who exited when Professor Flitwick released them. Remus resisted the urge to approach him and instead silently followed him at a distance.

He finally got the chance when the Slytherin entered the library and started looking for books in a secluded section. Making sure no one else was around, Remus made his presence known.

"Reg..."

"Oh, h-hi Remus," he replied, not quite meeting his eye.

"Why did you leave?"

Regulus continued browsing. "I had lessons."

"You left without a word. You could have woken me up."

"I didn't want to bother you..."

"That's a rotten excuse. I was worried about you!"

"I'm just fine."

Remus grabbed his wrist and pulled it away from the books. "Will you look at me, dammit?"

Regulus turned to face him, but fixed his gaze on Remus' tie instead of his face.

"Are you just going to pretend nothing happened?"

Regulus was silent for a short while. Then he dropped his head and said, "I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

"For - for being like that."

"For leaving this morning?"

"For... for blubbering all over you like that. I'm sorry. I'm so ashamed of myself. I couldn't... I just couldn't face you this morning. Not after that. I don't know what came over me, you must think I'm pathetic, and -"

Remus couldn't believe what he was hearing. So _that_ was it - he was embarrassed! He interrupted him by gently grasping his face, forcing him to look at him.

"Reg, you fool. Showing feelings isn't a sign of weakness. It isn't wrong and it isn't embarrassing."

"Crying is for babies."

"It's a way of relieving distress. It's perfectly natural, even for grownups." 

"It's cowardly."

"No, it isn't. It's human. There's nothing to be ashamed of."

Regulus didn't say anything. His gaze had dropped again.

"Listen. I know you're afraid of exposing yourself; showing vulnerability. But it isn't healthy hiding all your sorrows and fears inside yourself, Regulus. It eats you up. It makes you lonely. I've told you before that you can trust me. I've tried to show you. You can share anything with me, Reg. I'll support you and I won't tell a soul if you don't want me to. I'm here for you. I thought... yesterday I thought that you had finally come to trust me." He sighed heavily. "Oh, how I wish you would."

Regulus slowly lifted his head and looked solemnly into Remus' eyes.

"I trust you."

"Y-you do? I thought you said you didn't trust anyone."

"I shouldn't. But I do."

Remus felt a smile spread across his face. "You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that."

Next second they were holding each other close, kissing slowly and deeply.

**o0o0o**

"Where the fuck is Moony?" a petulant Sirius asked James as they were prowling the corridors.

"I don't _know_ , Padfoot."

"If you two tossers hadn't lost the bloody Map we wouldn't have this problem."

"Will you stop it, already? It could just as easily have been you who'd lost it."

"No, if I'd been there we wouldn't have been caught."

"Because you're just that smart."

"Exactly."

"Shut up, you smug bastard," said James, slapping the back of Sirius' head. "Also - if you're that smart, why haven't you thought of checking the library?"

"You're right. There's always a good chance that's where Moony is."

They changed their direction, heading for the library.

"He might not be there, though. He's probably off somewhere, mucking about with that bloody girlfriend of his."

This was a subject James really didn't fancy pursuing, so he kept quiet. His silence didn't seem to discourage Sirius, though. 

"It's all he does these days, and now he's off again. I'm getting sick of it."

"Give him a break. He hasn't seen her for two weeks."

"He hasn't seen _us_ for two weeks!"

"I know, Padfoot," James sighed. "It bothers me too, to be honest." 

"I miss him. And he won't even tell us about her. Why is he being so secretive? We used to share everything."

James felt awful. He didn't quite know what to say to comfort his friend. 

"It's like he doesn't care about us anymore," continued Sirius.

"Padfoot - I know that's not true. Of course he cares about us! He's probably just confused about the whole thing, this being his first girlfriend and all."

He decided that they had to tell Sirius the truth soon. There was nothing for it. They had been putting it off for far longer than was fair. The big question was just how to break it to him.

**o0o0o**

Remus was just starting to think that the kiss was getting a little too heated, considering that they were, after all, in a public place, when Regulus suddenly tensed in his arms. He pulled back, staring at something behind Remus. Even before he turned around, Remus knew what had Regulus so alarmed. And true enough - there, at the end of the bookshelves stood no other than Sirius and James.

Sirius' expression was frozen in complete and utter shock, eyes bulging out and mouth agape. 

Remus knew he had to act quickly and not give Sirius time to process the information. He turned to Regulus. "Reg - go! Hurry!"

"But -"

"No buts! Get out of here now - run!" He spun him around by the shoulders and gave him an urgent push in the direction of the exit.

Regulus resisted. "But _you_! What about y-"

"I'll be fine, trust me. But _you_ won't if you don't get out of here NOW!"

Sirius still stood there, like paralysed, barely noticing Regulus pushing past him. Then he blinked a few times and raised his arm, pointing at Remus.

"Y-you," he stammered. "You - a-and -," he pointed in the direction where his brother had just disappeared, and then back to Remus. "Wh-what are you doing?"

He didn't sound angry or hurt - more like he genuinely didn't understand what he had just seen.

"Sirius," said Remus, holding his hands up. "I'm sorry. We shouldn't have -"

"What was _he_ doing here? Why was he - why were you -"

"I'm so sorry you had to find out this way."

"YOU WERE SNOGGING MY BROTHER!" cried Sirius, whose brain finally seemed to be functioning again.

"Yes," said Remus lamely. What else could he say?

"What the FUCK, Remus! What the fuck would you do that for?"

Remus saw James deftly sneaking Sirius' wand out of his pocket. 

"What did he _do_ to you?" Sirius demanded.

"I - what? He didn't _do_ anything to me! We're together, Padfoot. He... he's my boyfriend."

Sirius' face turned white with rage and his hands curled into tight fist. "Oh, he is, is he?" he hissed.

"I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? YOU'RE SORRY?" Sirius yelled, stamping his foot. "Oh, I'm gonna KILL that little snake!"

His hand flew to his now empty pocket. Realising that his wand was missing, he swirled around to look at James.

"James - give me my wand," he said, straining to keep his voice down.

"No."

"GIVE ME MY FUCKING WAND!"

"No. It's for your own good, Padfoot. You'll get it back once you've cooled down."

"How can you be so calm about it? Didn't you see? Didn't you see what he -" Sirius stopped midsentence and a look of realisation appeared on his face. He pointed at James with a shaking hand. "You knew. You KNEW! And YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!"

"We were going to -" was all James managed to say before Sirius' fist hit him square in the face. His glasses were sent flying into the air and he stumbled backwards, from the force of the impact, into a set of shelves, books plummeting to the floor around him.

Remus threw himself at his raging friend, grabbing on to him to keep him from having another go at James.

"SIRIUS!" he cried. "Leave him alone!"

"LET GO!" Sirius yelled, trying to shake him off.

"None of this is his fault - it's _me_ you want to blame!"

Sirius spun around, grabbed his collar, and backed him up until his back collided with a set of bookshelves. He brought his face dangerously close to Remus', noses almost touching. 

"Take it all out on me," said Remus. 

He couldn't remember when he had last seen Sirius this angry. His eyes were blazing so furiously that they looked like they might burst into flame any second, and his teeth were bared in a vicious grin.

"Don't tempt me, Remus!" he growled.

In a way Remus wished he would just hit him. Maybe it would ease some of the excruciating guilt he felt - especially now that James had taken a punch for him. Deep down, however, he somehow just knew that it wasn't going to happen - that Sirius would never be able to hurt him.

"Go on - HIT ME! You know you want to!" he taunted.

With a roar, Sirius slammed his fist into the shelf right next to Remus' head. Then he started tearing books off the shelves and hurling them about in a fit of rage, all the while screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs. 

"WHAT, IN THE NAME OF MORGANA, IS GOING ON HERE???" sounded another voice.

Remus' head snapped around to see a fuming Madam Pince marching towards them.

And then it snapped back to see Sirius storming off, probably not because he wanted to escape the angry librarian, but much more likely because he had just remembered the existence of one Regulus Black.

 **o0o0o**

Remus set off to follow Sirius, but was stopped by Madam Pince.

"Where do you think you YOU'RE going?"

"I have to stop him!"

"Mr. Black will be dealt with later, believe me. But you two aren't going ANYWHERE until you sort this mess. What _happened_ here?"

"We... had a disagreement."

Madam Pince shook her head, frowning. "Acting like children. I'm _very_ disappointed in you Mr. Lupin. And _you_ , Potter," she continued, addressing James. "Head Boy, indeed."

"You don't understand! We have to stop Sirius - he's going to cause trouble!"

"First you have to take care of the trouble you've caused here. _Without_ magic."

Remus groaned. "But we have to get to Sirius! Fast!" 

"Well, you better get on with it then!" she said, gesturing towards the books that were spread all over the floor.

"We'll tend to it later," said Remus and made to follow Sirius once again.

The librarian stepped in front of him, blocking his path. "Don't you DARE try to disobey me, young man! The consequences will be dire!"

Remus sighed and bent his head.

"I will retire to my desk. You can retrieve me when you're done so that I can inspect it. And don't try to sneak out. I'll be keeping an eye on you!" Madam Pince warned before marching off. 

Suddenly remembering that James had taken a blow, Remus turned and hurried over to where he was sitting, slumped at the foot of the shelves he had knocked into. He was pressing the fabric of his long sleeve jumper to his bloody nose. 

Remus kneeled in front of him. "Prongs, are you okay?" he asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Let me take a look at that -" 

"Don douch be!" James snuffled through an obviously broken nose and angrily batted Remus' hand away.

"Come on, let me fix that."

James scowled at him, but then grudgingly lowered his hand from his face.

"Episkey," said Remus as he flicked his wand. There was a sharp snapping noise as the bone fell into place. 

"OUCH!" cried James, clutching at his sore nose. "Merlin, I hate you right now, Lupin."

"James, I'm _so_ sorry he took it out on you."

"Yeah - you and Regulus should have had a taste of this. Would have served you right for being such a pair of pillocks."

Remus retrieved James' glasses and proceeded to repair them before handing them over.

"What the fuck were you two thinking, going at it in the library?! You just can't control yourselves, or what?" 

"We... we had a moment."

"You had a moment. Great. I _told_ you to be careful and not get caught, and then what do you go and do?"

"You're right," Remus agreed. "It was incredibly careless. I feel like a complete idiot."

"Good. Because you are."

"Prongs - could you help me with this?" asked Remus, who had started frantically gathering books and stuffing them onto the shelves. "I'm really worried about Sirius. We need to stop him before he does something really, really stupid!"

**o0o0o**

After wasting precious minutes tidying up in the library, James and Remus raced down the corridors, heading for the dungeons. They were close to knocking over several younger students on their way.

Descending the stairs between second and first floor, they ran into Peter.

"Where have you two been? And why is there blood on your face?"

"Pete, we don't have time for this! Come along - help us find Sirius!"

"But haven't you heard? They've taken Padfoot to the hospital wing."


	18. Damage Control

**Chapter 18 - Damage Control**

Remus felt his chest constrict and his blood running cold.

James grabbed on to Peter's shoulders and shook him urgently.

"Why? What happened to him? Is it bad?" he demanded.

"I don't know!" said Peter and pushed James' hands away. "I was just informed that he's there. I was on my way - "

Remus was already running in the direction of the hospital wing. James quickly caught up with him, and Peter struggled to not fall too far behind. As they stormed into the infirmary they were abruptly halted by a stern looking Madam Pomfrey.

"STOP! I will not have any running in my hospital!"

"Sirius," panted Remus. "We need to see Sirius!"

"I'm sorry, Remus," she said, her tone softening a bit. "He specifically asked that you not be let in. You too," she added when James opened his mouth to speak.

Well, at least this meant that he was conscious and of sound mind and memory, Remus thought.

"Why would he say something like that?" asked Peter, bemused.

"He didn't say anything about you, Pettigrew" said Madam Pomfrey. "You can go in. Go. Go on in."

"What happened to him?" James asked as Peter made his way past the matron.

"Not to worry. He has sustained much worse injuries during his time here at the school. Just a few stunners. He will be up and about in no time."

Remus heaved a sigh of relief. Being stunned wasn't exactly pleasant or healthy, but it was much less serious than any of the horrible things Remus had imagined on their way to the infirmary.

"Was he alone? I mean, did anyone else get hurt?"

Madam Pomfrey shook her head and Remus slumped onto a chair, feeling boneless all of a sudden as the last of the adrenalin left his body.

"Who did this to him?" James asked, but turned to Remus before the nurse got a chance to reply. "I swear to you, Moony, if Regulus did it -"

"If Regulus did it, it would have been self defence!" Remus cut him short.

"Oh, come on - how much of a threat could he be without his wand?"

"Plenty! You know Padfoot when he's angry."

"If you boys would be quiet for a minute, you might actually get an answer to your question."

They both turned to her expectantly.

"He was sent here on Professor Slughorn's order. Apparently he had caused quite the commotion in the dungeons."

"But who stunned him?"

"I'm not sure, but Mr. Snape's name did come up."

"Snivellus!" growled James, his hands balling into fists. "I'm going down to have a chat with him."

"No!" said Remus, taking hold of his arm. "I think it's better _I_ do that."

"No, let me do this, Remus. I _really_ need to -"

"James!" Remus said in the most authoritative tone he could pull off. "You know very well how that's gonna go! Do you _want_ to cause more trouble?"

They discussed it for a bit, but James finally gave in and agreed to let Remus go alone.

**o0o0o**

Remus waited by the entrance to the Slytherin Dungeon for someone to come out or go in. After ten minutes or so, a short freckled second or third year emerged from the wall. Remus stepped up to her, smiling amiably.

"Hi. I need to talk to Severus Snape. Could you go back in there and ask him to come out?"

"You're a Gryffindor."

"Yes, that's very perceptive of you. That's why I can't go in there myself. I need you to go get him for me."

"What for?" asked the girl, eying him suspiciously.

"That's really none of your business," said Remus tersely and flashed his prefect badge. This wasn't something he usually did - abusing his authority for personal benefits - but desperate times called for desperate measures. He _had_ to find out how much Sirius had revealed. If they had been outed.

The girl's eyes widened and she nodded quickly. "What if he doesn't want to come out?" she asked uncertainly.

"He will."

Snape let him wait nearly twenty minutes before coming out. No doubt to demonstrate that he wouldn't let any Gryffindor order him around, Remus thought.

"Oh, it's you," he said, his face turning sour, when he saw Remus.

"Yeah, it's me. I'm glad you could come out," smiled Remus, deciding that a diplomatic approach probably would be the best way to go.

"If you're here to defend Black -" Snape started.

"I'm not here to defend him. I just want to know what happened."

"What _happened?_ Well, he finally snapped, didn't he? Came crashing down here, raging and screaming for his brother to come out so he could murder him."

"And did he?"

"Did he what?"

"Did he come out?"

"How stupid do you think he is?"

Remus shrugged. "I wouldn't know. Did he - did he hurt anyone? Sirius, I mean."

"No, but he scared the living daylights out of some of the younger students."

"So you stunned him. Several times."

A spiteful grin appeared on Snape's face. "I had to neutralise him before he killed someone, didn't I?"

"He would never -" Remus broke in.

"Oh, he would. Just because you and Dumbledore are too thick to see it... And let me tell you one thing - he should count himself lucky that Slughorn heard the ruckus and came out just then."

Remus swallowed hard, trying not to imagine what could have happened to Sirius had the professor not arrived in time.

"Do you know why he did it?" he asked quietly.

Snape looked incredulous. _"Why?_ Because he's barking mad, that's why!"

Remus could feel himself relax. If Sirius had revealed anything, Snape would have said it - or at least dropped a snide remark.

"Well, if that's all, I'll get back to my own business," said Snape. "I have better things to do than stand around chatting with brutes."

"All right," said Remus, choosing to ignore the personal insult. "Just... Sirius has had a rough day, and he tends to overreact a bit sometimes. He doesn't really mean any harm. He -"

"Oh, _please,_ " sneered the Slytherin. "Save that speech for someone who actually believes any of it."

**o0o0o**

"Remus," a soft voice called from behind as he made his way back through the dungeons.

He turned and saw Regulus gliding up to him. He took a quick look around and then pulled the younger boy into an alcove.

"Are you okay?" Regulus whispered, his eyes wide and worried.

Remus smiled to reassure him. "I'm fine."

Regulus pulled him into a tight embrace and they stood like that for a minute, resting their chins on each other's shoulders.

"What a mess we've gotten ourselves into, huh, Reg. I'm so relieved that you made it back here in time."

"So, what happened when I left?" asked Regulus and pulled back to look at Remus.

"Well, a lot of screaming and throwing books around. And he socked James in the face. Broke his nose. "

"What? _Why_? Why him and not you?"

"He was furious at him for having kept quiet about us. And for refusing to give him back his wand."

"But why didn't he hit _you_? I don't understand."

"I told you he wouldn't hurt me. I can't explain why. It's just... he wouldn't. Maybe because _I_ never hit anybody. I don't know."

"How is he?"

"Who - Sirius?" asked Remus, surprised.

"Yes. Not that I care, of course," he quickly added. "I just want to know what's going on..."

"I haven't seen him. He won't let me in. But Madam Pomfrey says he'll be fine. It was just a couple of stunners."

"So you haven't talked to him afterwards?"

Remus shook his head.

"So... what now?"

"I don't know," sighed Remus.

"What do you think he's going to do?"

"I don't know," Remus repeated. "But you need to stay away from him, Reg. Don't give him a chance to hurt you."

"I don't care if he hurts me - "

"Well, _I_ do!" Remus cut in.

"I'm more worried that... do you think he's... what if he... what if people find out about us? I'd be... my parents... I'd be in _so_ much trouble!"

"I know. I promise you, I'll do all I can to make sure that he doesn't expose you. Leave it to me, okay? And for Merlin's sake - don't provoke him. Don't get into a fight."

"I'm not going to take it lying down, if that's what you think! If he tries anything I'm going to fight back."

"I'm not saying you can't defend yourself. Just don't aggravate him any further, okay? Try to appease him. Maybe even apologise."

" _What_? NO WAY! Apologise for what, exactly? He has no right to - to - I don't owe him SHITE!"

"Do you WANT him to out you?" Remus asked, feeling himself getting impatient. "You're not exactly in a position to demonstrate your pride. He has a hold on you now, and he can really mess your life up if it suits him."

"Well, I'm NOT going to apologise!" Regulus said stubbornly, crossing his arms and sticking out his jaw.

**o0o0o**

James was lying on his bed, his back to the door. Remus could tell that he was still cross with him from the way he tensed and didn't turn around to face him when he recounted the conversation with Snape.

"Anyway, it seems that he hasn't revealed anything about Reg and me," he finished.

"Well, that's just cracking, isn't it?" James said sarcastically. "Congratulations - I'm so happy for you both! I hope you live happily ever after."

"James, please. You know that's not all that matters to -"

"Shut up, Remus. I'm not in the mood to talk to you."

Remus respected James' wish and lay down on his own bed, staring up at the canopy. There wasn't really anything to do but wait.

An hour later Peter came back, slamming open the door.

Remus sat up abruptly. "Where's Padfoot?" he asked when seeing that Peter was alone.

"He's not coming."

"What do you mean, he's not coming?"

"He's staying the night."

"For a couple of stunners? Is it that bad?" asked James.

"No, but they also hexed his hair green. And he's refusing to leave the infirmary until it's back to normal. Which will likely take a day or so."

"And Madam Pomfrey let him stay just because of that?"

"Seems that she took pity on him. Maybe she thought he'd been through enough for one day. What with him being BETRAYED BY TWO OF HIS BEST FRIENDS!"

Remus' jaw dropped, and he could see that James was taken aback as well. Because Peter was shouting. Peter was actually shouting. And what's more, he wasn't just shouting at Remus - he was also shouting at _James_ , and Remus couldn't remember the last time that had happened. Evidently, Sirius had gotten him thoroughly riled up.

"How could you DO something like that?" Peter demanded, pointing threateningly at Remus. "How could you? You KNOW how he feels about that bastard! What has he done to deserve this?"

"He hasn't done anything, Pete," said Remus quietly. "I didn't do any of this to hurt Sirius. And I'm so, so sorry. I'm not going to try and explain it away, but you have to understand that I never wanted to hurt him. That's why I kept it secret."

"Oh, that's right. You kept it secret. Although not from James, who was obviously an important enough friend to involve in it."

"It's not like that at all, Wormtail," said James. "He didn't tell me, either. I found out on my own."

"And then you covered for them. You didn't think Sirius had the right to know? That one of his best friends was cheating on him?"

" _What_?" exclaimed Remus. "I'm not cheating on anybody! What are you on about?"

"Friends can cheat on friends!" Peter maintained. "With other friends. I mean, by befriending their friends' enemies - or in your case, WORSE than befriending!"

Remus just shook his head. Peter wasn't making a lot of sense, and besides, Remus didn't feel like discussing it any further right now. There was no point. He might as well save all his good arguments for when Sirius came back.

He lay awake for most of the night, unable to keep from thinking about Sirius, alone in the hospital wing, angry and hurt.


	19. Friends and Lovers

**Chapter 19 - Friends and Lovers**

"We should probably make ourselves scarce, Wormtail," James said as he ushered Peter out of the dorm. "Leave the two of them to it."

Peter made no objections - in fact he looked more than eager to get as far away from the scene as he possibly could before the bomb went off.

Sirius had just returned from his stay in the infirmary and was now standing silent, cross-armed and with his back turned, staring out the window. He didn't turn around, even when the door closed behind the other two Marauders.

After a couple of minutes, where nothing happened, Remus decided to break the silence. "Padfoot... Sirius. Sirius, please look at me."

Sirius ignored him for a short while longer, then he turned around to face him. He was calm and collected, but Remus knew from years of experience that he could explode any minute if the right button was pushed. Sirius' eyes were boring into him, but behind the hardness and anger in them, Remus could glimpse the hurt. They were bloodshot and red-rimmed as if he had been crying. Or maybe it was just lack of sleep.

"Sirius... I'm - I'm _so, so_ sorry!" it burst out of him. He moved towards his friend, but Sirius took a step back, warning him not to come any closer.

"Padfoot... I'm SO sorry. I never - I never meant to hurt you." Since there was no response, he continued, "I shouldn't have.. I tried to... we tried to stop. And I know I shouldn't have done it behind your back. I was just so afraid to -"

"How long?"

"What?" asked Remus, a little surprised when Sirius finally spoke.

"How long has this been going on?"

"Since we started prefect duty together," Remus answered quietly, certain that he looked just as shameful as he felt.

Sirius' eyes widened. "But that's _months_ ago! You - you kept this from me all this time?"

"Yes. I know - I should have told you. I was going to, I swear, I just didn't know how to say it."

"Oh, I don't know -" Sirius said in a sarcastic tone, throwing an arm into the air, "- how about: I'm shagging your bastard of a brother, I hope that's not a problem for you? Oh, and by the way, I'm gay, I just never bothered telling you!"

"I know I've been a prick. I should have told you. I should have told you everything, I know, and I wish I had. I wish I hadn't been such a coward. And I wish I'd been stronger and able to resist, to not let this happen, or at least stop it before it got out of hand."

Sirius sank onto his bed, his hands settling in his lap.

"I don't understand," he said in a quiet pained voice, eyes fixed on his hands. "Haven't I been a good friend to you?"

"Yes, you have, Padfoot. You're... you're the best! You're my best - my most valued friend. Ever."

Sirius raised his head and looked at him. "Then why are you doing this to me?"

Remus swallowed heavily and sat down on the bed a few feet from Sirius. He felt like the worst friend in the world, seeing the direct effects of his actions.

"I didn't do this to hurt you. I would never do that. I could never hurt you intentionally. Please, please believe me! It happened _in spite of_ you - not _because of_ you."

"Is it revenge for... you know?"

"No! I forgave you long ago. You _know_ that."

"I don't get it. Why else would you do it, then, if not to hurt me?" Sirius looked like he truly couldn't imagine any other reasons for Remus to go out with his brother.

"Because he's..." Remus wanted to say 'amazing', 'gorgeous', 'wonderful', something like that, but he couldn't bring himself to say that to Sirius' face. "It just happened. There was this powerful, inexplicable attraction. I tried to fight it, because of you, I really did, but..."

"So it's just lust, is it?"

"No, of course not! I would have been able to deal with that. Get myself under control sooner or later. But it's emotional as well. I... I care about him a lot."

Sirius frowned and muttered something unintelligible under his breath. Remus leaned forward and placed a consoling hand on his thigh.

"Don't touch me!" Sirius spat, shoving Remus' hand away as if it were dirty.

There was a long silence-filled break.

"You know that he's just using you, right?" Sirius finally said.

"What? No, he isn't!

"Maybe _you_ aren't doing this to hurt me, but you can be sure as hell that _he_ is!"

"This has nothing to do with you, Sirius," Remus sighed.

"Of course it does! He wouldn't touch a Gryffindor with a ten-foot pole, unless he thought it was a good way to get to me."

"Sirius, you're paranoid. Why on earth would he do that? There are a million much easier ways that he could get to you!"

"None that would bother me like this. He KNOWS that you lads are the most important things in the world to me. You're my chosen family! He knows this, and he's trying to destroy it for me!"

Remus felt a fresh pang of guilt. He knew that this was how Sirius felt, that the Marauders meant everything to him and were his refuge from the family that hated him. And he had let it all happen anyway. Was _still_ letting it happen.

"Sirius, I... I feel so bad for doing this to you. But I'm still your friend. I still care for you - just as much as I did before, and that's not going to change. I'm not allowing him to turn me against you, and he knows that I won't listen to him slagging you off, so we rarely talk about you. And as for Regulus - I don't have any illusions that he would feel the least bit bad about hurting you, but I assure you that it isn't his motivation for being with me."

"How can you be so sure? He's sly and insidious - he's a Slytherin, for Merlin's sake! And he's a very, _very_ good actor."

"I know that. But this isn't acting. It's genuine. He's been scared to death that you would find out. And don't you think he would have let you discover it long ago if his objective was to hurt you?"

"He probably wanted to wait until he got you completely hooked. He's _using_ you, Moony, I'm telling you. He's probably not even gay."

"I can guarantee you that he is," Remus said stiffly.

"Ugh - spare me the details!"

"I didn't give you any details."

"You implied them."

Sirius scrunched up his face as if trying hard to drive out unpleasant images from his mind.

There was another long silence. Remus had known that this would be more than uncomfortable, but he was surprised that they could actually talk about it in a proper conversation and not a shouting match. Maybe yesterday's events and the night in the hospital wing had at least been good for _something_ , he though, giving Sirius a chance to blow off steam and cool off.

"Padfoot... I hope... I really hope you can find in your heart to forgive me. Maybe not today, but... It would mean the world to me."

Sirius looked thoughtful for a minute. Then he sighed.

"I don't know, Remus. Perhaps. Right now it's a little difficult to imagine. Maybe when this is all over I will be able to. Maybe I just need some time."

"O-over? What do you mean, over?"

Sirius fixed him with his gaze. "What do _you_ mean? It's over, right?"

Remus tried to keep up the eye contact, but his bad conscience and the intensity in Sirius' eyes was too much to endure, so he dropped his gaze after a just a few seconds.

"You're going to stop seeing him, right?" Sirius pressed.

"No," Remus whispered.

"Wh-what?" Sirius sounded incredulous. "How can you - what do you..."

"I can't. Don't you think that if I could I would have done it already? I told you, I've tried."

Sirius just stared at him, looking shell shocked.

"Sirius, I'm so sorry. But I can't let him go."

Sirius jumped to his feet.

"Sorry? SORRY? You're not sorry ONE BIT! Your apologies don't mean SHITE! You ask me to forgive you for something that you've done to me, but at the same time you want to keep doing it! Why the fuck can't you give him up?"

"He needs me. And I promised that I wouldn't leave him."

"So you're more loyal to him than me? His happiness is more important than mine? You're choosing _him_ over _me?_ "

"I'm not _choosing_ anyone! You can't put it like that. You're my best friend, he's my lover. You can't compare the two. I care for both of you."

"None of MY lovers have ever been as important as my friends!"

"Maybe you just haven't met the right one yet," Remus said quietly.

Sirius went pale.

"Fuck you, Remus!" he snarled and started backing up towards the door. "FUCK YOU! I _trusted_ you! I trusted you more than... You were the last person in the world I expected to stab me in the back!"

And then he turned around and rushed for the door.

"One more thing," said Remus, feeling yet another stab of guilt. What Sirius had just said had hit home. It really _did_ feel like he was taking Regulus' side, but there was one more thing he needed to do, although it would only alienate Sirius even further.

Sirius froze with his hand on the door handle and turned around slowly.

"We have to keep this a secret. People can't find out - your parents can't find out. Can you imagine what they would do to him?"

"Oh, yes I can," Sirius said with an unnerving malicious edge, his eyes narrowing. "And it would serve him right to be at the receiving end of their wrath for once. I can just imagine their faces. Their precious little pureblood heir - queer and having it off with an impure Gryffindor! Oh, the _shame._ "

"I know I'm not exactly in a position to make demands, and it really, really pains me to have to do this, but..."

"But what?"

"You can't tell anybody about us. That Regulus is gay. If you out him, I'm NEVER going to speak to you again." He fixed Sirius with a calm resolute gaze, trying to show him that he meant what he said.

Sirius' eyes flared with anger. "Who says I would WANT you to? WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH A TRAITOR AT ALL?"

With that he stormed out, slamming the door behind him so hard that the frame shook and bits of paint fell to the floor.


	20. Debris and Duelling

**Chapter 20 - Debris and Duelling**

To say that James was frustrated about the situation was an understatement.

There had been no further arguments between Remus and Sirius since the day following the catastrophe. In fact, there had been no talking at all - at least on Sirius' part. Remus had soon given up on trying to speak to him, since Sirius seemed to have decided to pretend that he didn't exist. He gave James pretty much the same treatment.

"So he won't speak to you either?" asked Lily.

"Only when strictly necessary. Such as when he informed me that Remus and I had better stay on our side of the dorm. He drew a line on the floor, dividing the room into halves. Can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Remus told me. I'm not surprised," she scoffed, "he's _so_ immature!"

James sighed, his brows knitting together. "Still... I understand why he's being like that. I mean - this thing is really killing him. It's just that he doesn't deal very well when something gets to him. He's always so dramatic and not very sensible."

"Where's Peter in all this?"

"He's on Sirius' side. Ignoring Remus and me. Except for when Sirius isn't there - then he'll talk to me, almost like normal.

"How convenient."

"Yeah - it bugs me, but I don't blame him too much. He's a follower. It must be difficult for him to know how to act when Sirius and I are on bad terms. It hardly ever happens."

"So it's basically you and Remus against Sirius and Peter?"

"I don't know about that - I'm not exactly _with_ Remus. I'm still angry at him for being the cause of all this and for being so careless about it. Bloody idiot, getting caught like that..."

"So you agree with Sirius? And you wish that Remus would come to his senses and stop seeing Regulus?"

James uttered a sound of frustration and pulled at his hair.

"I don't _know_ , Lily! Yes, I'm mad at him for messing everything up and for hurting Sirius like that, but for some reason, that I can't for the life of me understand, he seems to really love that prig. And you know - I can really understand why it's so difficult for him to let him go then. I wouldn't - I mean I don't think I could ever... even if..."

Lily nodded, smiling curiously.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" asked James, a little puzzled.

What happened next came so much as a surprise to him that his brain shut down for a few seconds. When it started working again and he comprehended what was going on, the kiss had already ended. He touched his lips tentatively and stared at her.

"Wha - how - why -" was all he managed to say.

"You know - you are really sweet when you're all serious and considerate of people's feelings."

"Will you go out with me?" he blurted out.

**o0o0o**

Remus had been tailing Sirius as much as he possibly could for the last couple of days. The two brothers had yet to run into each other, and Remus wanted to make sure that he was there when it happened - to prevent a complete disaster. Regulus had been avoiding the Great Hall, and Sirius had not been foolish enough to venture into the dungeons again.

He kept a polite distance between himself and his target, but didn't bother trying to go undetected. He would never be successful anyway, and he did not really care that Sirius knew he was following him or why he was doing it. If the situation had not been so serious, it would almost have been funny witnessing his temperamental friend's inner struggle between sticking to his strategy of giving Remus the silent treatment and the urge to tell him to bugger the hell off.

Remus was not sure what he could actually _do_ to prevent chaos when the brothers did meet. He had a vain hope that Sirius would treat Regulus the same way he did Remus - but, well, he was already doing that, wasn't he? The two had been ignoring each other for the past two years. And Remus wasn't sure Sirius would be able to control his anger when coming face to face with his brother, even if he wanted to. Especially if Regulus were to provoke him, which was probably not unlikely.

**o0o0o**

As luck would have it, Remus' plan failed miserably. It happened because he let his guard down at the wrong time. He had run into a Ravenclaw from his Arithmancy class and fallen into conversation with her, momentarily forgetting that he was in the middle of tailing Sirius. He was brought back to reality when he suddenly heard two very familiar, very agitated voices in the distance.

In a panic, he set off down the corridor in the direction of the yelling. Turning a corner, he spotted the two brothers standing right in front of each other, shouting into one another's faces. Remus came to a halt, desperately searching his brain for how to approach the situation.

He could see Regulus growl something into Sirius' face. He couldn't hear what he said, but it was clearly very offensive, because it made Sirius see red. He grabbed his brother by the throat with both hands and slammed him up against the wall. Regulus tried to throw him off, but Sirius only tightened his grip.

Of course Remus should have rushed up immediately to stop his fellow Marauder, but sometimes when finding yourself in a crisis situation you become paralysed with shock, and this is what happened now. All he could do was stand there, his feet cemented to the floor, thinking ' _no, no, no_ ' and ' _DO something!_ '

Regulus was struggling frantically, one hand trying to pry Sirius' hands away from his throat, the other flailing wildly in the air. He tried to kick him, but couldn't find enough leverage, because the older brother was using his slightly superior height to press him up the wall, leaving him balancing on his toes.

Remus finally found his voice and yelled, "SIRIUS - LET _GO_!"

"Stay out of it, Remus! This is family business!" Sirius shot back. But even so, he _did_ let go of Regulus and stepped back.

Regulus slipped down the wall, clutching at his throat, gasping for breath. He was staring up at Sirius, his eyes wide and panic-stricken.

"You little idiot," Sirius growled, leaning over him. "Did you really think I was going to kill you? Pathetic. But you've always been such a wimp, Reggie!"

He spared him one last look of contempt. Then he turned around and started walking away.

"What the HELL were you thinking?" Remus yelled furiously at Sirius. "Have you completely lost your mind?"

He was glaring at Sirius, but out of the corner of his eye he saw Regulus pull out his wand.

"Reg - NO!"

Next thing, with a powerful surge of magic, Sirius was sent blasting forward. He hit the wall with a loud crash, emitting a cry of surprise and pain.

Remus ran towards them, trying to decide which one to check on first - who was in the worst condition.

Sirius had made his way up into a sitting position. He was clutching at his shoulder, his left arm hanging limp, and the skin had been scraped off of his cheek.

Against the opposite wall Regulus was still sitting, coughing and spluttering. His right hand had dropped to the floor but was still holding the wand in a tight grip. 

Sirius pulled his own wand and aimed it at his younger brother.

"Protego!" Remus cried, conjuring a barrier in front of Regulus, efficiently deflecting the curse. 

In a matter of seconds, curses was flying back and forth in a complete mayhem. Remus was casting Shield Charm after Shield Charm, desperately trying to protect both brothers. But, of course, as he was only one and they were two, he didn't manage to deflect all the spells. Some missed, ricocheting off the walls or floor, but others hit their target dead on, causing various types of damage.

"STOP IT!" Remus yelled. "BOTH of you!"

But he might as well have asked a thestral to go vegetarian. The brothers paid no attention to him, whatsoever. They seemed to only register each other's presence. 

A powerful Reductor Curse hit the wall above Regulus, and he cowered as debris rained down on him. With a nasty sound, a rather large piece of rock landed on his head, and blood started trickling down his forehead.

Remus was growing more and more desperate. What was he going to do? He dared not try to disarm one of them, because that would leave him exposed to the other. Why wasn't anyone coming to his aid? He knew that the noise had drawn other students to the scene; he could hear them somewhere behind him. Apparently, no one wanted to put their neck on the line.

With a sharp sound, like the crack of a whip, several angry red stripes appeared across Sirius' face, and he yelped, clapping a hand to his already raw cheek. Remus had never seen this curse used before, but he was in no doubt that it was dark magic. It had that characteristic sinister buzz about it.

"STOP THIS MADNESS _IMMEDIATELY!_ " a furious voice came thundering through the corridor, drowning out all other noise.

Remus had never heard McGonagall shout this loudly before. Also, he had never been so grateful for her appearance before. 

Regulus was so startled by the ferocity and magnitude of the professor's voice that his wand fell from his hand and rolled across the floor. 

McGonagall disarmed Sirius with a swift flick of her wand. Her gaze darted from one Black brother to the other, her lips pursed and nostrils flaring in anger. She ordered some of the bystanders to fetch Madam Pomfrey, and then turned her attention back to the combatants.

"Well, I have _NEVER_ in my days as-" she began."

"DON'T THINK I'M DONE WITH YOU, YOU BASTARD!" Sirius yelled, staring furiously at his brother.

"MR. BLACK!" roared the professor, her tone daring him to keep talking.

Remus stood like frozen. He desperately wanted to check on both boys, but he dared not go to Regulus for fear of raising suspicion, and Sirius would almost for certain push him away, and that might raise suspicion as well.

McGonagall rushed to Sirius to get a look at his injuries, still scolding him harshly. She turned her head, looking at Remus.

"What are you doing, standing there, Lupin? Go and see to the other one!"

Relieved to have an excuse, Remus ran over and dropped to his knees at Regulus' side.

"Are you okay?" he asked as he pulled off his jumper and pressed it to the bleeding wound on Regulus' head.

Regulus looked up at him through locks of hair matted with blood and sweat and dirt. "No, of course I'm not okay! The lunatic tried to kill me!"

"He wasn't trying to kill you, Reg," Remus said quietly, running his eyes and fingers carefully over his boyfriend's neck. Purple finger print bruises were already starting to form. "He just... wanted to scare you."

"Well, he's got a pretty fucked up way of doing that!" exclaimed Regulus, wiping blood out of his eye.

"I know," said Remus, closing his eyes and taking a deep calming breath. He had never actually believed that Sirius was trying to kill his brother, but, nevertheless, he had been frightened senseless. He could still feel himself shaking.

They could hear Sirius arguing agitatedly with McGonagall.

"Didn't you see what the little prick did to me?"

"He started it!" Regulus shouted and ended up in another coughing fit.

"Don't try to speak," said Remus. "And sit _still_ , Regulus."

**o0o0o**

"Why is she seeing to _him_ first?" asked Regulus petulantly.

The brothers had, very wisely, been placed in separate rooms in the infirmary. Remus was waiting with Regulus for Madam Pomfrey. She had quickly stopped the bleeding from Regulus' head and then gone to take care of Sirius.

"Maybe she thought his condition was more critical..."

Regulus huffed.

"You used a dark curse on him, Reg," Remus said quietly.

"Yeah - so what?"

Remus couldn't believe he seemed to think so little of it.

"You can't just _do_ that. It's illegal. And wrong."

"And strangling people isn't?"

Remus didn't quite know what to say to that.

"Strangulation can kill you!" Regulus continued. "The stupid curse can't. It's not as if I tried to AK him."

"Still... It looked really nasty."

"It looks worse than it is, Remus, really. It hurts like shite, but it doesn't do any real harm. Besides, Sirius is used to it. It's mother's favourite disciplining spell."

Remus felt sick. Of course he knew that Sirius had been treated very harshly, but he had assumed that it was mostly emotional abuse. Not that that was any better, of course.

Madam Pomfrey arrived about ten minutes later. She examined Regulus thoroughly, all the while chiding him for being so careless.

"Another concussion," she said, shaking her head. "Not nearly as bad as the last one, but still - I'd prefer that you not make a habit of it." 

"How is Sirius?" Remus asked, while Madam Pomfrey smeared some potion on a burn on Regulus' arm from where his sleeve had caught fire.

"Also a concussion," she replied, "a badly bruised face, and a dislocated shoulder."

"Too bad it didn't break," mumbled Regulus darkly.

"Too bad what didn't break?" asked McGonagall, who had just entered the room.

"Nothing, Professor," said Regulus quickly. 

"Poppy, are you done with him?"

"Yes, but he needs rest, Minerva. I'm sure that whatever you need to discuss with him can wait until later."

"It can't," said the professor, looking sternly at Regulus. "This is most serious."

Madam Pomfrey left after a few more protests. McGonagall looked pointedly at Remus.

"Remus can stay," said Regulus.

She looked surprised but didn't comment on it. 

"Do I need to tell you that the behaviour displayed by you and your brother today is completely and utterly unacceptable, Mr. Black?" McGonagall said in a severe voice.

"No, Professor," answered Regulus. "But he started it."

"Yes, I suspected as much," she sighed.

Regulus began explaining what had happened, but was interrupted promptly by a raised hand.

"The details are not important right now. Mr. Lupin can fill me in later. What _is_ important, however, is to make it absolutely clear to you that a repetition of what happened today will result in immediate expulsion of the both of you. If I see one of you as much as raise a wand at the other, it's OUT."

"But I didn't -" Regulus protested, looking upset.

"Silence!" McGonagall cut him off. "Even if the blame lies mainly on your brother, it takes two to fight like that. And then there is the matter of you using dark magic. You are a prefect; you know very well how grave an offense that is."

Remus could see from the way Regulus' lips were pressed tightly together that he was angry, but presumed that his immense respect for authority would keep him from starting a discussion.

"However," McGonagall continued. "Since you have a clean record and have always been a model student, I will let it pass this one time. You will, however, be serving a week in detention. Again, I'm letting you off easy. I have given Sirius a month."

"It's not fair!" Regulus exclaimed agitatedly when the professor had left. "Why should I be punished at all? He attacked _me_ \- I was just defending myself!"

"Well, you weren't just defend yourself, Reg. You could have just let him walk away after he'd let go of you. Instead you attacked him from behind."

"I was trying to defend myself!" Regulus insisted.

Remus could feel himself getting angry.

"No you weren't! This wasn't about self-defense at all! It was about your stupid rivalry! I didn't see _either_ of you cast ONE defense spell! No _Expelliarmuses_ , no _Protegos_. You were only thinking about hurting each other! If I hadn't been there to protect you from one another, who knows what kind of condition you would be in now? Or if McGonagall hadn't turned up?"

"YOU try and have your air supply cut off, and then tell me how to react!" Regulus retorted.

Remus took a deep breath, composing himself. He knew that he wasn't being fair to Regulus. Of course the boy had been scared out of his mind by what had happened to him, and when that happens, one often reacts with anger and without thinking. It was just that Remus felt like a mess of emotions. He was angry mainly because he had been frightened himself. He was worried about what was going to happen next. And he was angry at himself, because none of this would have happened if it wasn't for him. If he had only stayed away from Regulus from the start.

"I'm sorry," he said, stroking Regulus' cheek gently. "I just... I just wish we could deal with this without so much drama. And you made it worse for yourself. Why did you have to provoke him in the first place?"

"How? By corrupting you, you mean?"

"Of course not. You said something right before he lost it. What did you say, by the way?"

"That's not important." 

At that point Madam Pomfrey re-entered the room. 

"I heard raised voices," she said, giving Remus a stern look. "Remus - you should know better than to get him agitated in his state! He needs to rest."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"All right. You can stay five more minutes." Noticing Remus' worried look, she added, "Don't worry. I will keep the doors locked."

"People haven't found out about us yet," said Regulus when they were, once again, alone. "Do you think he's just waiting to... I mean, do you think he will -"

"You can relax, Reg. He's not going to out you," said Remus.

"How do you know that?"

"I told him not to."

"What? Sirius doesn't take orders from anyone!"

"Okay, I threatened him."

"With what?"

"That's not important."


	21. Temptation and Love

**Chapter 21 - Temptation and Love**

The air was buzzing with expectation as the Quidditch stadium filled up with excited students.

Remus made to sit down with James, Sirius and Peter, like he always did.

"What are you doing?" Sirius uttered. "I think you picked the wrong stand. We cheer for Ravenclaw here! Go sit with the snakes." He nodded in the direction of the Slytherin tribune on the opposite side of the field.

Remus couldn't help feeling hurt by the waspish comment, although he really ought to have become accustomed to it by now, since Sirius had been dropping constant vicious remarks about him for the past few weeks. _Well, at least he spoke to me directly this time,_ he thought sarcastically. _I guess that's progress._

At least Sirius had forgiven James. A few days after the cataclysmic duel, Remus had confronted him about it. 

_"Sirius. I'm not going to pretend that you're not hurting me with that behaviour of yours. I know I deserve it, so I'm not going to ask you to start talking to me again or stop badmouthing me. But I'm begging you to forgive Prongs. You can't keep treating him like this. It's not fair. He didn't ask to be put in this situation."_

_Sirius acted as if Remus wasn't there, not taking his eyes off of his Astronomy book, but Remus knew that he was listening._

_"You know what he did when he found out? He was furious! He basically ordered me to break it off with Regulus, and when I found that I couldn't, we decided that we had to tell you. The only reason he didn't go to you right away, was that he wanted to think carefully about how to best break it to you without hurting you too much. He never meant to keep you in the dark. You have to believe me."_

Sirius still hadn't responded, but the next day James and he were back to normal - to Remus' great relief.

Lily, who was sitting a few rows down with some of her girlfriends, turned around. "Come sit with us, Remus," she said, sending Sirius a glare that would have made any normally functioning person cower.

She made room for Remus, and he gratefully dropped onto the bench next to her. She gave his hand a squeeze and flashed him a knowing smile.

Remus couldn't deny that he was actually rooting for Slytherin. He knew that Regulus was extremely nervous and under a lot of pressure because his accident had caused them to lose the last game. So Remus was relieved and happy when Regulus swooped in to snatch the snitch from right under the Ravenclaw seeker's nose, holding it up triumphantly, his face split into a wide smile.

**o0o0o**

Later that night Remus was lying on his bed, trying to read. The task, however, was made very difficult by James, who kept interrupting him to ask him his opinion on ideas for a spectacular Valentine's Day with Lily.

"Yes, Prongs, I think a refined combination of pink and yellow roses and lilies will be just fine," he answered in a tired voice, not removing his eyes from his novel.

"Or maybe purple is better... is pink too girlish? I mean will she find it corny? Will she think I'm a chauvinist or something?"

"I think she will like whatever colour you pick. Why are you in such a hurry, anyway? Valentine's day is over three weeks away!"

"There is nothing wrong with being well-prepared! You're just jealous because you can't celebrate in public."

"Oh yes," said Remus sarcastically, "I'm just _dying_ to sit at Madam Puddifoot's, intertwining fingers and having Regulus bat his eyelashes at me." 

Before James could think of clever comeback, they were interrupted by a loud pop. A very small house-elf materialised in the middle of the room. She looked around with her huge eyes, and then padded over to Remus.

"Mr. Remus Lupin?" she asked solemnly.

"Yes, that's me," smiled Remus.

"I have a message from Master Regulus," she said, straightening her back and looking very important.

"Really? Let's hear it, then."

The elf cast a glance in James' direction and leaned in to whisper into Remus' ear.

"Master Regulus would like you to meet him at the usual place at 1 o'clock."

"What's your name?" asked Remus.

"Jenka, Sir."

"Well, thank you for giving me the message, Jenka." 

The  little elf beamed like Christmas had come early. "Not a problem at all, Jenka is very happy to help!"

"Master Regulus?" James said, eyebrows raised, when the elf had gone.

"It's not like that," said Remus. He could easily imagine what James was thinking - _typical rich pureblood behaviour, treating school elves as personal property._ "They just like him. He treats them with respect."

"Really?" said James, not looking convinced.

"Yes, really."

"But _Master Regulus_..."

"They call _you_ Master Potter."

"Well, yes. But I'm Head Boy!" James replied, puffing out his chest.

"You know what?" Remus said, shaking his head, suppressing a smile. "Muggles have therapy groups for people like you."

"People like me?"

"People who struggle with low self-esteem."

He failed to dodge the object coming at him at full speed. Never engage in a pillow fight with a chaser, he reminded himself, especially not one as accomplished as James.

**o0o0o**

Regulus was waiting for him in the Room of Requirement. He broke into a broad smile when he saw Remus. He looked cheerful and untroubled, and it warmed Remus' heart, since there hadn't been much of that lately. He realised that he probably hadn't seen him smile for real since some time before Christmas.

"Sorry about the time," Regulus said. "I couldn't leave earlier - the party, you know."

"Of course. You don't have to apologise. I hope you had a good time - you deserve it. You were brilliant today. That was a great catch."

Regulus' face lit up even more. "You really think so?"

"Of course," Remus smiled. "Even a Quidditch dummy like me could see that."

Regulus' dropped his gaze, smiling shyly and shuffling his feet.

"Come 'ere," Remus said and stepped forward, taking him into his arms. 

Regulus let out a contended sigh as he relaxed into Remus' embrace, burying his nose in the crook of his neck. Remus could feel him smiling against his skin. He weaved his fingers into the soft dark locks and kissed the top of his head.

After about a minute of standing like that, Remus started kissing his way down Regulus' head, tipping his face upwards so he could move on to his temple, cheek and finally lips. He gently nudged them apart, letting his tongue caress Regulus'.

The kisses soon turned from sweet and gentle to urgent and passionate. Not letting go of one another's lips, they tumbled onto the bed. They play-fought a bit for position, Remus eventually letting Regulus settle on top. 

"You're wearing far too much clothes," he said, letting his hands slip under Regulus' shirt and glide up the impossibly smooth skin on his back.

"Do something about it, then," Regulus replied, nuzzling the shell of his ear.

"Oh, I will," Remus said and pushed the shirt and jumper up and over Regulus' head. He rolled them on to their sides so that Regulus could do the same to him.

Trousers, briefs and socks were soon off as well, and they were moving against each other, hands everywhere.

"Remus," Regulus breathed, "I want you."

"You _have_ me."

Regulus pulled away and looked at him. "No - I mean... I want to...  to... go all the way," he said, a hint of pink tinting his cheeks prettily.

Remus looked at him, surprised. "Reg... I don't know..." he said uncertainly.

Regulus raised his eyebrows. "You don't want to?"

"Yes, I want to." God, did he want to! He had been fantasising about it for ages. But... "It's just - I don't know if we're quite ready for that. I mean - you're so young."

"What?" Regulus looked offended. " _Again_ with the age difference? I'm not a child, you know!"

"You're not a grown-up either."

"And you are?"

"I'm almost 18."

" _I'm_ almost 17!"

"No, you're not."

Regulus ostentatiously turned his back towards Remus, covering himself up and pouting.

"Come on, Reg. Don't be like that. I just want to protect you."

"From what? You? I really don't need that."

"I don't want you to do something you'll regret later."

"I won't!"

"I think we should wait."

"You just don't want me badly enough," Regulus said quietly.

"Reg, you twit!" said Remus, slipping under the covers and pressing himself against Regulus' back. "Of course I want you. I _adore_ you!" He started peppering kisses on his shoulders and the back of his neck. "You are gorgeous. I can barely _think_ of you without getting hard." He gave him a little nudge with his hips for emphasis.

Regulus wriggled a bit against him, and although he couldn't see his face, Remus just knew he was grinning.

"We can do all sorts of other stuff," Remus said, running his fingers teasingly down the other boy's side and gently nipping at his neck.

He leaned in to brush Regulus' fringe away from his face and kiss his eyebrows. "So beautiful."

Regulus always responded well to praise. He turned around, pressing his body into Remus'. "Remus," he whimpered.

"Oh, we're not completely turned off, I see," Remus chuckled, reaching between them, closing a hand around Regulus' member.

"Of course not. Not when you're so sexy."

They started kissing and letting their hands wander again. It felt like little sparks ignited Remus' skin everywhere Regulus' fingertips touched. Remus rolled him onto his back and covered his body with his own, Regulus allowing him to settle between his legs. They both moaned at the close contact.

Regulus placed his hands on Remus' buttocks, pulling him closer, and Remus started moving against him, slowly at first. Regulus was making the most titillating little sounds of pleasure and Remus sped up the rocking of his hips as his excitement grew.

"Remus," Regulus panted as they were both getting close to completion. "Imaging moving inside me, all hot and tight."

Remus came suddenly and hard.

After catching their breaths, Remus lifted his head and looked at Regulus.

"Fuck, Reg. You can't _say_ stuff like that!"

The Slytherin grinned. "So, are we going to do it?"

"Yes, we're going to do it," Remus sighed, cursing himself for being so weak. "You're evil, you know that?"

"And you're easy."

Remus swatted him on the chest.

"So when are we going to do it?"

"Well," said Remus. "We need to do some research first..."

Regulus looked surprised. "Research? You don't know how?"

"Not in detail. I'm as inexperienced as you, remember?"

"Yeah, but - you always seem to know everything."

Remus couldn't help smiling at that. "Well, I'm going to find out, okay?"

"Okay."

They lay there next to each other for a long time, laughing and chatting about all sorts of stuff. Regulus was in an unusually good mood; his eyes sparkling, laughter like sweet music. It was rare to see him this light-hearted. Even when he was smiling at Remus, there was almost always that hint of sadness in his eyes. But not today. Today he looked carefree and happy, like he always should, like he deserved. Oh, how Remus loved him.

"Regulus?"

"Mmm?"

"I love you."

Regulus went rigid and the smile on his face faded away. After several seconds, he flipped onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. This wasn't anything like the reaction Remus had imagined he would get.

"I'm sorry if I'm being to bold, or too fast. I didn't mean to freak you out. You don't have to say it back if you don't want to... it's all right."

Regulus was silent for about a minute, his eyes still fixed on the ceiling. "I... It's just that..."

"It's just that what?" Remus coaxed.

"It's just that... no one ever told me they love me before," he finished in a small voice, that was barely audible.

Remus wasn't sure what to make of that. "Well, I _am_ your first lover..."

"I mean - no one at all. Ever."

"N-no one? But your family, surely... your parents..."

Regulus shook his head. "Never. They... I've always been aching for them say they love me, but they never did. The best they could do was tell me I was a good boy."

Remus was dumbstruck and took a few minutes to speak again. 

"Even if they never said it, I'm sure they love you, Reg. You're their favourite. Sirius told me how they always praise you and brag about you." 

"They love the _idea_ of me. What I can do for them. I'm not sure they love me as a person. I can't help suspecting that whatever affection they feel for me depends on how I behave and how well I live up to their expectations. Is that real love? I mean, isn't it supposed to be unconditional? At least that's what I heard... I don't know. I just don't know, Remus," he finished with a sigh.

"Well, _I_ love you. And even if I didn't want to, I wouldn't be able to help myself. Even if you didn't live up to my expectations."

Regulus finally turned his head and looked at him. "You really mean that?" he whispered. "Don't say it unless you mean it."

"I mean it."

"Is it okay that I don't say it back?"

Remus nodded.

"It's just that it's a lot to take in..."


	22. Informations and Obstacles

**Chapter 22 - Information and Obstacles**

"Where are you going?" Sirius asked, his eyes boring into Remus.

Remus sighed and stopped his trek towards the dorm door. "You _know_ where I'm going."

"How can you keep doing this? You're supposed to be my friend!"

"I _am_ your friend, Sirius."

"A _real_ friend would never betray me with that - that -"

"I didn't _mean_ to betray you. Why can't you get that into your head?"

"It's like I if I went and hooked up with that bloke, Greyback, who bit you."

Remus felt a sudden burst of white-hot anger flare up inside him. "How _dare_ you! DON'T YOU EVER COMPARE REGULUS TO HIM AGAIN! IT'S NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL! THAT MAN IS EVIL! HE DESTROYED MY LIFE!"

Sirius looked taken aback at Remus' abrupt outburst of anger, but only for a second or two. "MY FAMILY DESTROYED _MY_ LIFE!" he retorted.

"REGULUS ISN'T RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT!"

"You don't know SHIT, Remus!"

Remus took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He hated losing his composure, no matter the reason. People did stupid things when they allowed their temper to take control. Sirius was a shining example of that.

"He was a _child_ , Sirius! You can't blame him for what your parents did to you! Or are you telling me that your baby brother was also abusing you?"

"He let it happen! He didn't stick up for me when I needed him! He just stood by, watching it happen. I always defended _him_ when _he_ was in trouble. And to think of all the times I took the blame for something _he_ had done, just to protect him! Have you any idea how many times I did that? And what thanks did I get?"

"I'm sure he was just scared..." Remus started uncertainly.

"And you don't think _I_ was ever scared? Stop making excuses for him! He didn't _care_ , Remus. That's it. He just didn't care. He never gave shit about me. The only 'help' he ever gave me, was lecturing me about how to behave so they wouldn't be so hard on me."

"I..." Remus didn't really know what more he could say to defend Regulus. He hated hearing these things. "I'm sure that..."

"You know," said Sirius with a bitter grin, "I bet he loved it, the little sadist. I bet he got off, watching me get punished."

"He's not a sadist!" Remus protested.

"Yes he is! He's an evil little son of a bitch, and you're going to find out the hard way one of these days!"

"I'm not going to stand here listening to you malign him!" said Remus. Then he turned on his heel and headed resolutely for the door. 

"Fine! Suit yourself!" Sirius called after him. "You go and fuck him like the good little whore that he is!"

Remus clenched his teeth to keep from yelling something back. He almost barged into James on his way out.

**o0o0o**

"What was _that_ about?" James asked as he closed the door behind him. Although, he thought, he didn't really need an answer. He already had a pretty good idea what it was about.

"Nothing!" said Sirius, giving his trunk a moody kick.

 _God_ , was James getting tired of this. He planted his hands on his hips and fixed Sirius with a stern gaze.

"Why are you being so nasty to Moony?"

"I'm not being... you _know_ why." 

"Don't you think it's time to get over yourself? Haven't you punished him long enough?"

Sirius didn't answer.

"You're not being fair to him. He never held a grudge against _you_. Remember two years back? Talk about betrayal! You could have sent him to Azkaban! He forgave you after two fucking days! Way sooner than _I_ did!"

Sirius was silent for a moment. Then he slumped down onto his bed, sighing heavily. "I know. It's just... the thought of his dirty hands all over him... I can't stand it!"

"What? Whose dirty hands?"

"Reggie's, of course."

James raised his eyebrows. "It almost sounds as if you're jealous."

"What? Of course not!" scoffed Sirius. "Don't be stupid."

But James didn't think he sounded very convincing. 

"Padfoot... is that it? Are you... do you _want_ him?"

Sirius buried his face in his hands.

"Sirius...?"

"Yes, I bloody want him!" he exclaimed, his head snapping back up. "Happy now?"

James sat down on the bed next to his friend. Of course. It all made sense. How could he not have seen this? And why hadn't Sirius told him? They were best friends, after all. 

"Is this something you realised before or after you found out that he was seeing your brother?"

Sirius turned his head, glaring at James. "Do you think I only want him because he's with Regulus? Do you really think I'm that petty?"

James held his hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay! How long have you had this crush, then?"

"It's not a bloody crush! I've... I've been in love with him for years." He sighed and dropped his gaze to his shoes.

"Bloody hell, Padfoot. How - why haven't you done something about it? Why haven't you told him? Or... or have you? Has he turned you down?"

"No! He doesn't know. Of course I never told him. I assumed he was straight, didn't I? It would only have made things awkward between us. I didn't want to ruin what we had."

James felt horrible for his friend. He put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it comfortingly.

"And then that stupid brat swoops in and steals him from right under my nose!" 

"I know... that must be -"

"And Moony - how could he choose Reggie over me? How? Why?" Sirius said, his expression pained.

"I don't think he realised there _was_ a choice."

"He knew I was bi! He knew it was an option. All he had to do was ask me if I was interested!"

"I don't know, Padfoot. I don't think it's that simple."

"How could he choose _him_ over me?" Sirius asked again.

"People don't choose who they fall in love with. If they did, would you have chosen to fall for Remus? You thought you couldn't have him - it only caused you pain."

"I could deal with that pain before... before... but now it's ten times worse!"

"I don't know what to say to make you feel better, Padfoot..."

They sat there, quiet for a long time, before James finally spoke again.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"No - of course not! Do you think I want to make a _complete_ arse of myself?"

**o0o0o**

Regulus immediately noticed that Remus wasn't in his usual good mood. "What's with you? What happened?"

"Your blasted brother happened!" 

"Oh," said Regulus, taking a step back. "I don't want to know what he said, do I?"

"No, you really don't. It doesn't matter, anyway," Remus snapped.

"So are you... you're not in the mood tonight, then?" he asked, fidgeting with his sleeve.

Remus sighed, telling himself not to take his frustrations out on Regulus. He looked nervous enough as it was. 

"Of course I am," he said, reaching out and gently brushing a wisp of hair behind his ear. "I'm not letting him ruin tonight for us."

Regulus smiled, leaning into the touch. They sat down on the bed and talked a bit about what Remus had found out during his research. Regulus, however, was impatient.

"Let's just get on with it, Remus," he cajoled, rubbing his nose softly against his neck. "I don't need to know everything. It's enough that _you_ have it sorted."

"We shouldn't rush it, we need to make sure we progress correctly," said Remus, trying to ignore the warm tongue trailing teasingly along the line of his jaw.

"It isn't very sexy doing it as if following a potion instruction, is it?"

The words were whispered into his ear, and Remus couldn't help shivering. Maybe Regulus had a point. Without him noticing, deft fingers had already undone half of his shirt buttons. Remus turned his head to catch his lips with his own. The other boy responded eagerly, slipping his tongue inside his mouth, drawing a content moan from Remus. 

A few minutes later they were both naked, kissing and stroking each other lazily.

"How do you want it - should I, or do you want to -"

"You do it," Regulus said.

Remus felt his cock twitch in Regulus' hand. He closed his eyes, swallowing heavily. It was going to happen; it was really going to happen!

"On you back or stomach?"

"Back. The other way is kind of impersonal, isn't it?"

Remus chuckled. "Well, maybe..."

When Remus slipped a finger in between Regulus' cheeks, his whole body jumped.

"I'm sorry. Did I startle you?"

"Yeah," Regulus said, blushing. "A bit. Try again."

Remus tried again several times, but Regulus kept shying away.

"How are we supposed to do it, if I can't even touch you there?"

"You can! It's just a little weird, is all. I'll stay still now."

He bit his lip, looking very concentrated, willing his body to stay in place. This time he managed to not flinch.

"You shouldn't be so tense."

"Just get on with it, will you?" Regulus replied, irritably.

"Okay, okay." Remus fetched his wand and cast a spell on Regulus. 

Regulus let out a yelp and stared at him. "What the - what did you _do_?"

"I'm sorry, I should have given you a warning. It's a prep charm, it lubricates and stretches you a bit."

Regulus wriggled his nose. "Well, all right. I guess that's a good thing, then."

They fumbled a bit, trying to get into position, during which Remus was accidentally kneed in the stomach.

"Sorry," mumbled Regulus.

"It's okay. Are you ready?"

Regulus gave a quick nod, and Remus pushed forward a little.

"AH! FUCKING _HELL_!"

He pulled back immediately. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you!"

Regulus took a deep, shaky breath. "That's all right. I just wasn't prepared for that. Come on - try again."

Remus hesitated. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, just do it."

Remus pushed in again, this time more carefully, but stilled when he saw Regulus squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth.

"No - don't pull out!" He gasped, sweat forming on his forehead.

"You have to relax. You're stiff as a poker."

"Didn't you say that charm took care of the stretching?"

"Only partly. You still have to relax and accommodate."

"I'm trying."

This wasn't anything like the fantasies Remus had had of the act. In those, things progressed smoothly, they were fired up with passion, moving in sync with each other, Regulus begging for more, and of course finishing off with a perfect simultaneous orgasm. None of the fantasies had included awkward fumbling and a rigid, pained boyfriend underneath him. And things weren't getting any better. Regulus still didn't manage to relax, and every time Remus moved a bit, he hissed and tensed up even more.

Remus was getting worried. "The book says it's not supposed to really hurt if you do it right."

"Who the fuck wrote that book?"

"Well, it probably means we're _not_ doing it right. I think maybe we aren't ready yet..."

"Yes we are - we just have to work through this!"

But by now Remus had lost his arousal completely and he could feel his erection going the same way.

"I can't do it, Reg. Not when you're hurting this much."

"I'm fine! Just keep going!"

"You're not fine. Besides, I _can't_ \- not even if I wanted to."

He shifted and rolled of off the Slytherin. Regulus covered himself up and turned his back to him. Remus tried to put an arm around him, but it was shaken off.

"What's wrong? Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"Then why are you sulking?"

"Where were you the past half hour?" Regulus replied, irritably. "It was a complete disaster!" 

"It's not the end of the world. I bet most couples have problems at first."

"I bet they don't."

Remus could sense that Regulus was truly upset. "Ah, come on, Reg. Don't take it so hard. It's not like it's an exam we just flunked."

There was no answer.

"I'm sorry. It was my responsibility, I should have -"

"It's not _your_ fault. I couldn't even -"

"Don't, Reg. You were just nervous. I should have made you feel more safe." Remus inched closer to Regulus, spooning him. "We'll make it work, okay? Maybe next time, or the time after that, or the time after that. There's no rush."

"Hmmm..."

"Why are you so bent on doing it, anyway?"

Regulus shrugged. "I don't know."

"It's supposed to be pleasurable - not a chore."

"I know. It's just... It's like we're not real if we don't."

"Real? Of course we're real! What on earth do you mean?" 

Regulus sighed. "I don't know what I mean. It's just a feeling."

Remus couldn't stop himself from letting out a chuckle.

"Don't laugh at me!"

"Sorry. It's just that sometimes you're a bit silly," Remus teased.

"You're an idiot," Regulus said, but there was no bite to it.

**o0o0o**

"Regulus?"

"Yeah."

"Sirius says that you didn't defend him when he was being abused. That you just stood by."

Regulus didn't say anything for a long time, and Remus was starting to think that he was pretending to be asleep.

Finally he said, "Are you waiting for me to deny it?"

"I - I don't know."

There was another long pause. Then he turned around to face Remus.

"Why the hell should I? It was his own fault most of the time! He kept breaking the rules and he was disobedient and obnoxious. He provoked them deliberately. He should have just shut his mouth and kept his opinions to himself!"

"So you think he deserved everything that he got?" 

"I just said that he could have avoided most of the trouble he got, if he had just behaved himself - if he had respected his elders and his heritage. He didn't. That was his choice."

"He was severely abused, Regulus! And you just watched."

"I didn't enjoy it, if that's what you think."

"I didn't think -"

"It would only have made things worse if I'd interfered, anyway."

"Really? That's your excuse?"

"You think I never tried?"

Remus looked at him in surprise. "I... Sirius never said -"

"I bet he didn't. He probably conveniently repressed it, the idiot." Regulus frowned in thought. "Or maybe he genuinely doesn't remember. Because of... the circumstances. But _I'll_ never forget."

"What happened?"

Regulus didn't look like someone who wanted to tell. Then, finally, he sighed. "We... one time when Mother was... well, she was unusually hard on him. He'd snuck out to play with Muggles on the playground down the street. Bloody idiot. We weren't allowed to go out on our own, and we _definitely_ weren't allowed to associate with Muggles. He _knew_ this, and yet he had to -"  
"What happened, Reg?" Remus cut in, trying to lead him back on track.

"She... he was screaming every time she... I couldn't stand it. I tried to stop her... but she was in a really bad mood that day..."

"And?" Remus prodded. 

"It doesn't matter. It just made things worse, like I told you," he said evasively. 

"What did she do, Regulus? Come on, you can tell me." Remus said, stroking his hair reassuringly. 

Regulus bit his lip, as if trying to decide what to do.

"She burned me. With the fire poker."

"What?" Remus gasped, shocked. "How could she... where?"

Regulus' eyes didn't meet his. He looked ashamed. "My back. And stomach."

"That's horrible!"

Regulus shrugged. "That wasn't the worst part."

Remus had trouble imagining what a mother could possibly do to her child that was worse.

"Sirius, he... he went ballistic. He threw himself at her, kicking and punching. I think he even tried to bite her."

"Oh, fuck," Remus whispered.

"She... she nearly killed him, Remus. I thought... If Father hadn't come home..." He shook his head. "They had to get a Healer. Mother's really good at healing spells, but they didn't cut it this time. I think it took quite a lot of Galleons to make him believe in the old falling-down-the-stairs story."

"She's bloody insane!" Remus blurted out before he could think.

Regulus looked at him angrily. "Don't talk about my mother like that!"

" _What_? How can you defend her, with what she did?"

"It's a mother's right to discipline her children! And she's not a bad person! She just... has a bad temper. She goes a little overboard sometimes."

"A _LITTLE_?

Regulus groaned. "I wish I hadn't told you, I _knew_ I shouldn't have -"

"No, Reg," said Remus quickly, "it's okay - I won't say anything else. I'm sorry - it's not my place to judge your mother. I just don't like hearing about you getting hurt. I'm glad you told me. You can trust me with anything, you know you can." 

Actually Remus wanted nothing more than to judge and discuss the deranged woman, who he now hated more than ever, but he knew that Regulus would just shut him out if he tried to force the issue.

He kissed the back of Regulus' neck. "I love you."

Regulus pulled Remus' arm around him, and wriggled, so that they fit more snugly together.

"Thank you."


	23. Monsters and Forgiveness

**Chapter 23 - Monsters and Forgiveness**

"Remus?"

Remus looked up from the book he was reading, sitting rolled up in a big armchair in the common room. Sirius was standing in front of him, fixing him with a determined, but not unfriendly, gaze. "Yes?"

"Could you - um - come with me for a minute? I need to talk to you."

Remus flipped his book shut and put it down on the solid oak table before him. "Of course." Curious and strangely excited, he got up and followed Sirius up the stairs to the dorm.

When they reached the dorm and Remus had closed the door behind them, Sirius turned around to face him.

"I... I haven't been... I mean...well...

Remus held his breath. Sirius rarely showed signs of uncertainty or not knowing how to say something.

"I guess I want to apologise for being so mean to you..."

Remus could hardly believe what he was hearing.

"Don't get me wrong - I still hate what you're doing, but I can't stand not being friends with you. Just don't expect me to -"

Sirius didn't get to finish his sentence, because Remus had thrown himself at him and was squeezing the life out of him. He felt Sirius tense up in surprise, but held on tightly until Sirius, hesitantly, returned the embrace.

"You have no idea how happy this makes me!"

"Oh... well... that's good."

Remus finally let go of Sirius and kissed him on the cheek. "You're the best."

"I... of course I am!" Sirius said, flashing him a grin.

They sat down and chatted a bit. It felt a little awkward and forced, but Remus thought to himself that it was probably to be expected. Things wouldn't be completely back to normal in a second - not after what they had been through the past couple of months. But that didn't matter. Remus was so relieved and exhilarated about Sirius having forgiven him - about having him back; he had all the patience in the world.

"Moony..." Sirius said after a while, his tone again serious and uncertain. "You know what you've got yourself into, don't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean - that it's dangerous. You can't trust him."

_Oh, no. Here we go again!_

"Sirius, stop it."

"You could get in serious trouble, Moony. He's -"

Remus groaned. "If this is just a change of tactics -"

"No! It isn't. Really. I'm not trying to force you to break up. I'm just worried about you."

"Well, don't be. I can take care of myself, okay? We're good. I trust him, and I won't have you tell me that I can't."

"Does he know you're a werewolf?" Sirius said quietly.

Remus' mouth snapped shut. Sirius was poking at something Remus didn't want disturbed from its slumber at the back of his mind. Something he had shoved as far into his subconscious as he possibly could and refused to deal with for as long as he had been seeing Regulus.

Sirius nodded to himself. "I thought not."

Remus didn't know what to say. He just wanted his friend to shut up or talk about Quidditch or something.

"If you trust him so much, why haven't you told him?" Sirius pressed on.

"Well, we... it just hasn't come up, yet," Remus said lamely. 

"Right. You don't want to admit that you doubt him. You're wondering if he won't freak out and run off to tell Mum and Dad and all his Death Eater friends what a monster you are. Well, I can confirm that suspicion for you. That's exactly what he's going to do."

"You don't know that!" Remus snapped. He was angry at Sirius for saying such things about his brother, and even more for hitting the nail on the head. Just a little bit. It was just a small, paranoid doubt, of course.

"You don't need me to tell you how werewolves are viewed in conservative pure-blood circles. Regulus was raised on this."

"So were you."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You know I never believed any of their shit. But Regulus did. Does. Pure-blood children are raised on scary bedtime stories about bloodthirsty werewolves and other scary creatures. I don't have count on the number of times Reggie crept into my bed because he was too frightened to sleep in his own room.

Remus swallowed heavily. "He... he isn't a little child anymore..."

Sirius shook his head. "Doesn't matter."

"And he knows me and trusts me. He'll understand."

"If you want to keep seeing him, fine, but you can't ever let him find out, Moony."

"He has the right to know. I just haven't gotten around to telling him yet."

"Don't tell him." Sirius repeated, putting a hand on his shoulder, looking at him gravely. "Promise me you won't."

**o0o0o**

It was the day after the February full moon. Voices were slipping through the small gap in the door to his private room in the infirmary. 

"Madam Pomfrey," a voice sounded. Regulus' voice. He sounded worried. "One of the other prefects said that Remus is ill again. Is he here? I would really like to see him."

Sirius' warning had been a bit a of a wake-up call for Remus. How could he have been so irresponsible for so long? It was dangerous for himself to allow another person to get this close to him without having an idea about how they were going to take it. And what was worse - it was very unfair to Regulus, keeping him in the dark about something this serious. How stupid was he, anyway, to think that he could keep it a secret forever? Even if he didn't tell, it was just a matter of time until Regulus found out on his own. Was it because, deep down he knew that their relationship was doomed anyway - that Regulus was going to succumb to his parents will, and that he could keep his condition a secret until then? That was another problem he had pushed away, refusing to think about, because it hurt too much.

Either way, he couldn't keep doing this to Regulus. He had the right to know. He needed to tell. And what better opportunity than now?

"I'm sorry, Mr. Black," the matron replied. "He isn't -"

"Regulus," Remus said, as loud as his throat, sore from howling, allowed. "I'm in here."

The voices outside fell quiet. Then Regulus peeped in through the door. "Remus?" 

The nurse stepped up behind him, a concerned look on her face.

"It's okay, Madam Pomfrey. He can come in."

She looked a bit wary, but nodded and closed the door behind Regulus.

"Why are you in here?" asked Regulus, looking around the room.

"I -" Remus started.

"Oh - you look horrible!" Regulus was by his side in a second, placing a hand on his forehead. "You have a bit of a fever, too."

"It's nothing. I'll be fine tomorrow."

"How do you know that? You look exhausted."

"Well, I am. But I've been through this so many times; I know I'll be much better tomorrow. Could you sit down for a minute?"

"Of course," said Regulus and sat down on the edge of the bed, taking Remus hand in his, intertwining their fingers.

"You know how we've come to trust each other?"

Regulus nodded.

"Well, there's something I need to tell you... I haven't exactly been lying to you, but I've kept it from you, and... and it isn't right."

Regulus looked at him, eyebrows furrowed.

"I should've told you much sooner, but I've been too afraid."

"But what..." Regulus suddenly looked very anxious. "Is it something serious? Is it about your illness?"

Remus swallowed a lump. "Yes and yes."

The younger boy's eyes widened and he drew in a sharp breath. "Are you - are you - d-dying?"

"What? No! Nothing like that."

Regulus let out a sigh and relaxed a bit. "Well, what is it then? Why are you afraid to tell me? Is it - is it something contagious? Could... are you afraid that I -"

"I would _never_ let that happen!" Remus scolded himself for not just getting to the point, leaving Regulus guessing. But how was he going to say it? "I... you know how I'm ill once a month..."

Regulus nodded.

"When the moon is full, to be exact."

Regulus looked at him blankly for a few seconds. Then he turned pale. "No. No, you can't be..."

Remus bit his lip, waiting for it to sink in.

With a shaky finger Regulus pointed toward Remus' left shoulder. "Your dog bite."

"Not a dog."

Regulus jumped to his feet. "You're joking. Why are you joking with something like this? It's not funny!"

"I'm not joking. I'm a werewolf, Reg."

"NO, YOU'RE NOT!" exclaimed Regulus, stamping his foot like a stubborn child. "NO! You can't be! You... you're..."

"Reg -"

Regulus shook his head violently, black hair whipping around his face. "NO! NO! I don't believe you! I WON'T! I _WON'T!_ "

"REGULUS!" Remus took a firm hold of his wrist and fixed him with his gaze. "I'm not joking. I'm a werewolf. Have been since I was five. But I would never, ever hurt anyone. You have to believe me!"

Regulus stared back with panic stricken eyes and mouth open. His gaze shifted from Remus' face to his shoulder, then to the hand on his wrist and back to his face again. Then he yanked his arm out of Remus' grip. "Stay away from me!" He scrambled backwards so fast that he nearly fell over. "You - you - monster!"

Next second he was out the door.

**o0o0o**

Remus was sure that the image of Regulus' face, twisted in fear and revulsion, as he called him a monster, would forever be imprinted in his mind. It wasn't that he hadn't experienced this reaction many times before, and it always hurt, but never _anything_ like the way it hurt now. And Regulus was right. He _was_ a monster - not just because of his lycanthropy, but because he had kept him in the dark. He had seduced him and deceived him into believing that he was an honest and harmless person. He had made Regulus trust him - Regulus, who didn't trust anybody - and open up, exposing his vulnerabilities.

How long would it be until the whole school knew? Would Regulus tell? Of course he would - and Remus would deserve it. Even so, Remus felt panic grip him. He would lose everything - his N.E.W.Ts, most of his friends, and worst of all, Regulus. No, he corrected himself, he had already lost Regulus. The thoughts were whirling in his head. They would probably take his wand - maybe even send him to Azkaban. When powerful people like the Blacks found out that their children had gone to school with a werewolf -

Remus stumbled out of bed. He had to stop him! But he only managed to take a couple of steps before he was overcome with nausea and dizziness and had to grab onto the footboard to not collapse.

"REMUS!" sounded an agitated voice. "What's going _on_ in here? What are you - come, let me help you!"

Madam Pomfrey guided him back to his bed and tugged him in.

"No," Remus protested, "I need to -"

"You need to rest! Merlin, you look like you are going to faint!"

"I -" He tried to get out of bed, but his head started spinning again, so he allowed the nurse to push him back down.

"Stay put, I'll be right back with a potion for you, dear."

What was he going to do? He was too weak to go anywhere, and it probably wouldn't help anything anyway. A thought suddenly popped into his mind.

"Jenka!" he called desperately. 

He had no idea if she was actually going to come. Being a poor half-blood, he didn't know a lot about how house-elf loyalty worked. Regulus had told him that the Hogwarts elves had a lot of freedom compared to the norm, and that they could choose to aid whoever they pleased, as long as it didn't conflict with their masters' wishes. Jenka had certainly taken a liking to Regulus and him and took great pride in helping them. But did that mean he could just call her? Could she even hear him?

His questions were answered almost immediately as the little elf appeared with a pop. 

"Thank goodness! Jenka - please help me!"

"Master Remus!" the elf gasped, staring at him. "What happened to- " 

"Lily Evans," Remus interrupted, "Head Girl. You must find her and give her a message. Tell her: _Regulus knows. Afraid he will tell._ Make sure no one else overhears you. Please hurry, I really, really need your help!"

"Yes, of course!" said Jenka and disapparated.


	24. Rethinking Thinks

**Chapter 24 - Rethinking Things**

Remus had no idea time could go this slowly. And he could do nothing but wait. Wait and hope. Hope that Jenka had found Lily, hope that Lily would find Regulus, hope that Regulus would... His head was a chaos of emotions and thoughts; he couldn't hang on to one long enough to get it sorted.

 _Finally_ Lily entered his room. She crossed the floor swiftly and enveloped him in a heartfelt hug. "Oh, Remus," she said, her voice full of pity. "What a mess!" 

She sat down next to him, right where Regulus had been sitting a couple of hours ago.

Remus couldn't do anything but stare anxiously at her.

"Calm down," she said, patting his hand. "He's not going to tell."

"R-really? How do you know?"

"He promised. And frankly he seemed a little offended that we thought he would..."

Remus closed his eyes, exhaling slowly through his nose. 

"How is he taking it?" he asked, opening his eyes again after a moment.

"I don't really know," she sighed. "You know how he is - he has that blank face. It's impossible to tell what he's feeling or thinking most of the time. It's a little scary, actually."

"How did you find him?"

"Your personal little house elf knew where he was. Outside near the stables."

"What did he say?"

"He didn't say much. He listened, though. I explained everything. How you were bitten, how Dumbledore made sure you could get an education, how cruel the world has been to you, and how much pain you go through every month. All that. And then I gave him a little lecture on werewolf prejudices in general."

"He didn't argue with you?"

"No. He just listened. Well, actually he didn't want to talk to me at all, so I had to get a bit rough with him. No, no," she added quickly when she saw the expression on Remus' face, "I didn't hex him or anything. Just ordered him to sit down and listen. I _am_ his boss, after all."

"He didn't say anything about me? And you're sure that -"

"He isn't going to tell. Said that if Dumbledore and Slughorn think it's safe to have you here, then that's good enough for him. And that's all, Remus. I couldn't get him to say anything else. He wouldn't discuss it with me."

"Thank you, Lily. I don't know what I'd do without you," Remus said. He tried forcing a smile, but it felt more like a strange grimace pulling at his face.

"Poor Remus," she said, pulling him into another embrace. "This is so unfair. I'm so, so sorry. I know how you loved him -"

"Lily..." said Remus, politely pulling himself out of her grasp. He pressed his eyes closed, willing tears to stay back. He wasn't going to sit here and cry in front of her. "I don't want to talk about it. Just... I'm very, very grateful for your help, but could you go now? Please?"

"Of course," she said, getting up and sending him a sad smile. He didn't need to explain. She understood. She always did.

Remus supposed he should be relieved that his secret was safe. And he _was_ , but it didn't make him feel any better. Quite the opposite, in fact. The fear that had been extinguished had just given way to the grief over having lost Regulus. He felt like it was swallowing him up. He didn't feel like he had the strength to deal with it right now. He was miserable and completely exhausted. So when a worried Madam Pomfrey a little later tried to get him to take a strong Dreamless Sleep Potion, he accepted. She was surprised, because he almost always resisted taking more potions than absolutely necessary, but right now he needed to escape the pain, if only for a short while.

**o0o0o**

It was late afternoon when Remus woke up. He could tell from the light coming in through the window; the colour of the rays showed that the sun was close to setting. This meant that he had been out for nearly 24 hours! It took him a moment to realise that someone else was in the room with him, and it took him another to realise that it was Regulus. 

He was sitting by the foot of the bed, just out of reach, looking at Remus with an expression that was difficult to read - even for him. It wasn't a cheerful one, though, Remus noted. Remus was surprised to see him - in fact he hadn't expected him to come anywhere near him ever again. He wondered what Regulus was here for. An explanation? To yell at him?

Since Regulus didn't show any sign of wanting to speak, Remus decided he had to break the silence and said the only thing he could think of. "Hi..."

"So you decided to join the living," Regulus said in a frosty tone.

Remus could barely speak for the lump that had formed in his throat. "I'm sorry," he managed to croak. "I'm so, so sorry, Reg."

"You bastard. How could you do this to me? I thought you were... I thought the world of you!"

"I'm sorry," Remus repeated. He could feel his eyes getting wet, and knew he didn't have the power to hold back the tears this time. "I know - I know I'm a horrible person."

"You're such a hypocrite, Remus! You and your _'you can trust me, Regulus'_ ; and _'the world is a lonely place if you don't trust anyone, Regulus'_. And you said you trusted _me_. You're so full of shit!"

"I... I should never have even touched you. I had no right -'"

"It's not _about_ that! You made me TRUST you! I _knew_ I shouldn't! I _knew_ it. Didn't I tell you? I told you things I've never told anyone else, and what have you given me in - why are you crying?"

"Because I'm upset, of course! Werewolves have feelings too, you know."

"But why are you upset? I'm the one who was wronged here!"

"Because I hate myself... because I hurt you... I didn't mean to - I love you! And I'm crying because I've lost you. It just hurts too much."

Regulus sighed exasperatedly, splaying a hand across his face. "I never said you'd lost me."

"Wh-what? I... But I... I'm a..."

"I talked to Evans. She told me everything. She... made me see some things differently." 

"You - you don't hate me? How can you -"

"Look. I'm not going to pretend I wasn't disgusted at first. Bloody hell, you gave me a shock! And thinking of all the things I'd been doing with a - with a - you know. I felt dirty. But then I thought about it. I always believed all werewolves were bad. Evil beasts who just thought about bloodshed and turning as many people as possible. But you - you aren't like that at all. No one has ever been as good to me as you. You're the kindest person I've ever met," he finished in a soft voice, not quite meeting Remus' eye.

Remus was dumbstruck. He couldn't believe his own ears.

"I just - well, I'm mad at you!" Regulus said, anger again characterising his voice. Why didn't you tell me? You don't trust me! Did you really think I'd tell on you?"

"No, that's not why. Of course I didn't think that! I didn't tell you because I was terrified I would lose you."

It wasn't entirely true Remus thought with a sting of shame. The last part was, but he _had_ doubted Regulus' loyalty - feared that he would reveal him, just because he had been frightened when he found out.

Regulus looked surprised. "Oh. Oh... Well, you should have known better," he said, a bit sullenly. But the anger had disappeared from his voice.

They looked at each other a bit awkwardly. Remus didn't really know what to say. Where did they go from here?

"Is it very painful?" Regulus asked quietly after a short silence. 

"Yes. Bones break, muscles snap and such."

Regulus pulled a face. "Can't... can't you just take a Pain Killer Potion?"

"No, that doesn't work. It's a cursed condition."

"You don't look like a werewolf."

Remus smiled, a bit amused. "What did you expect - lots of body hair and sharp teeth?"

"No, just... I've seen one once. He was all haggard and full of scars."

"Oh, yeah. That's because the condition is hard on the body, and the scars come from self inflicted injuries."

"But _you_ -"

"Most werewolves aren't as lucky as I am. I've been taken proper care of all my life. When I was younger my father healed me, and here Madam Pomfrey does it. Good, immediate care makes a world of difference." He didn't mention that he also hadn't injured himself the last couple of years thanks to Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs. That wasn't his secret to tell.

They spent the next ten minutes talking about Remus' condition, Remus happily answering all of Regulus' questions.

"Regulus..." Remus started. "Are you sure that you want us to go on like before?" He couldn't help having noticed, that Regulus was still sitting out of his reach and hadn't made a move to touch him. "I mean, can you deal with being intimate with me, now that you know what I am?"

"I... yes. Yes, of course. Of course I can."

"Can I kiss you then?"

Regulus looked a little wary.

"I don't bite, you know."

Regulus moved to sit on the bed next to Remus. He touched his face tentatively, as if surveying it. Then he closed his eyes and tilted his head.

Remus splayed a hand across his cheek and brought their lips together.

Regulus tensed up but didn't move away. Remus gingerly ran his tongue along his lips and after a few seconds Regulus opened up to him and relaxed into the kiss with a sigh. They parted after a minute or so.

"Sorry," said Regulus. "I'll get used to it, I promise."

Remus rested his forehead against the younger boy's and looked into his eyes. "It's all right. You don't know how happy you're making me. I thought I'd lost you. You keep surprising me, going against what you've been taught all your life. You're very brave."

"I'm not brave," Regulus said, blushing a little.

"Yes you are."

Regulus pulled back, sighing. "Why does it have to be so difficult? Everything's wrong with you - you're a half-blood, a Gryffindor, a poof, and now also a werewolf. I don't know why I love you."

Remus looked at him in surprise, feeling his heart pick up speed. "That's not a very flattering way of saying 'I love you' for the first time..."

"I didn't... oh!" Regulus looked horrified as realisation hit him. "I didn't say that! I didn't mean to say that!"

"It's okay," smiled Remus. Nothing Regulus could say now would chase away the warmth that had risen up inside him. "You can take it back if you want."

"I... no," he said, shaking his head. "I don't want to. And the other thing isn't true, by the way - I know why I... you know - feel _that_."

Remus beamed. "So we're okay?"

"Yeah, we're okay." Regulus laughed, a little flustered. "Unless... you're not a vampire too, are you?" he joked.

"Of course I am. That's why I go for the pretty pure-blood boys. They taste the best."

Regulus pressed his lips together, trying to hold back a grin. Then he narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean _boys_?"

Remus chuckled and ran his fingers affectionately through Regulus' hair. "Don't worry. Only you. Why would I want anyone else when I've already got the best one?"


	25. Homework and Annoying Puppies

**Chapter 25 - Homework and Annoying Puppies**

"Remus." 

"Mmm," hummed Remus, not taking his eyes off the book he was reading. He was lying on his belly, head propped up on his hands. He could feel Regulus' intent gaze boring into him.

"Remus," Regulus repeated when he didn't get more of a reaction.

"Yes? What is it?"

"This is boring. Can't we do something else?" Regulus' own book had long since been chucked aside.

"We agreed to study together."

"And we _have_ \- for two hours! Can't you finish that later?" he said, nodding at Remus' book.

"No. I have to write five feet on this material by Wednesday."

Regulus sighed dramatically and flopped onto his back. He lay there for a little while, occasionally emitting another loud sigh, just in case Remus had forgotten he was there.

He rolled onto his side again. "Remus. Remus. Reeemus," he said, punctuating every _Remus_ with a poke in his ribs.

"Yes," said Remus exasperatedly, finally looking up from his book. "What do you want?"

"I want you to pay attention to me!"

"Merlin," Remus mumbled, rolling his eyes. "You're _so_ much like -" he stopped, realising that it was probably best not to tell Regulus who he was so much like.

"Like who?"

"Um... a really annoying puppy."

"Come on, Remus. You can study later."

"Listen. I have NEWTs coming up. Just because _you're_ in the easiest year..."

"I'm not -"

"Oh, come off it. Everyone knows that sixth year is the easiest one. There are no exams."

Regulus huffed and pouted, but he only left Remus alone for a few minutes. Then he started repeatedly poking him in the side again.

Remus decided to ignore him.

Regulus, however, wasn't going to be ignored. He deftly slipped his hand under the hem of Remus' shirt and let his fingertips dance lightly over his skin.

Remus couldn't help squirming and giggling.

A smug grin slowly spread across the Slytherin's face. "Ticklish, are we?"

"No, I'm practicing a new dance move."

"Well, in that case I think I'll help you practice."

"Thanks, but there's really no need."

"Don't be so modest," said Regulus and attacked Remus with both hands.

"S-S-STOP!" Remus managed between sputters of laughter. He wriggled and kicked about wildly, but it only served to spur Regulus further on.

Finally, after what felt like hours of struggling, he managed to get a hold of both of Regulus' wrists and, mustering all his strength, flipped him over. Sitting astride him, Remus pinned Regulus' arms above his head and smiled down at him triumphantly.

Regulus resisted vigorously, trying to throw him off; then lay still when he realised it wasn't getting him anywhere.

Remus grinned. "What are you going to do now, little scamp?"

" _Remus_ -"

"I don't appreciate being disturbed when I'm trying to study."

"Okay, I got the point. Now get off!"

"Oh, I don't think so. I'm quite enjoying the view from up here."

"Well, I'm not enjoying anything from down here!"

"Aren't you going to tickle me some more?"

Regulus struggled madly to get his arms free, but Remus leaned further forwards, putting more weight behind his hold.

"I thought you Quidditch players were supposed to be strong. Maybe you should train harder..."

Regulus scowled at the insult. "I'm a _seeker_! We're fast and agile - not burly like some dumb beater! And I train plenty, I would have you know."

"Well, that's _one_ way of explaining away those spaghetti arms..."

"I _don't_ have - I'm as strong as you!" Regulus scoffed. "You just have the advantage in this position, being able to use your weight! Which is quite substantial, might I add."

"Are you saying I'm fat?" gasped Remus in mock hurt.

"Yes! And you're squashing me, actually."

"Stop pretending you don't love it when I'm in control."

"I _don't_!"

Remus marvelled at how much the younger boy had come to trust him. To his - and probably also Regulus' - surprise they had got past the werewolf issue very quickly. Actually, here just a few weeks later, they were closer than ever. It was like the fact that Regulus had been let in on Remus' secret had broken down a barrier between them.

Remus should have probably concentrated on the task at hand instead of musing over his relationship. The fact that he didn't, was punished promptly by Regulus, who suddenly, with a burst of effort, bucked him off. And before Remus could blink _he_ was the one on his back, staring up into the other boy's smug face.

"I _told_ you I was fast!"

"Pff. Don't flatter yourself. I _let_ you do that. Didn't want to bruise your fragile little ego any further."

"If that were true you wouldn't tell me, now would you?" grinned Regulus, leaning so far down that his fringe was tickling Remus' face.

Remus felt the puffs of sweet breath against his skin and his eyes locked on to Regulus'. They looked huge this close, very grey, framed by very black lashes, and Remus' mouth suddenly went dry. Damn. Did he always look this lovely?

The shift in mood was clearly affecting Regulus too. The look in his eyes switched from playful to something else.

Remus barely had time to regret that he couldn't raise his head enough before Regulus leaned down, crashing their lips together. Remus moaned his approval into his mouth and hooked a leg around Regulus' as if to make sure he didn't go anywhere.

Lowering himself to rest on his forearms, Regulus loosened his grip and entwined their fingers. Remus could have easily pulled free now, but he had no interest in doing so any longer. He felt an intense rush of desire surge through him and canted his hips to press his growing hardness firmer against the other boy. 

They snogged passionately for a few minutes until Remus started frantically pulling at Regulus' shirt to expose his chest. Regulus sat back on his haunches, pulling Remus with him, so that they could dispose of their clothes more easily.

When Remus started tugging at the annoying belt before him, Regulus pulled away from the kiss. 

"Remus," he said, somewhat out of breath. "Let's try again."

Remus' hands fell away from Regulus' belt. He knew exactly what he meant by _try again_. They hadn't ventured outside the familiar sexual activities of blowjobs and frottage since the last fiasco. Remus wasn't exactly eager to make his boyfriend hurt like that again, and as long as Regulus didn't bring it up, he wasn't going to either. 

"Are you sure?" he asked uncertainly.

"Yes. I want to make it work. Don't you?"

"Well, all right. But maybe you should try topping this time."

Regulus shook his head, blushing a bit. "No. You were right - I _do_ like it when you're in control."

"Okay. But let's go slower this time. And if it feels wrong we'll stop right away, okay?"

Regulus consented.

"Just lie back and relax," Remus said, gently pushing him onto his back. "You don't have to do anything, just let me make you feel good, okay?" 

He moved to hover over Regulus and started kissing him, this time slowly and softly. He spent a long time just kissing and caressing his body, determined to abolish all tension and make him comfortable. Remus was fairly sure that Regulus' anxiety the last time was the main reason it had gone wrong, and he didn't want a repeat performance.

When he cast the charm, Regulus only flinched a little. Instead of just proceeding with the act, Remus leaned down and closed his lips around the younger boy's cock.

Regulus raised his head and looked down at Remus. "What are you doing?"

Remus glanced up and pulled away with a broad swipe of his tongue. "I would have thought you would know what a blowjob is by now," he chuckled. "Don't worry - we'll get to the other part. Just be patient, yeah?"

Regulus lay back down, and soon he seemed to lose himself in the ministrations, making little sounds of appreciation, idly carding his fingers through Remus' hair.

Still working his lips and tongue, Remus began probing carefully with his fingers. When Regulus tensed up, he sucked harder to try to distract him. It seemed to work, because before long he felt him relax.

"Remus," he gasped a few minutes later, pulling urgently at his hair, "you better get on with it, or I'm gonna..."

Remus slowly kissed his way up Regulus' flat stomach, dipping his tongue into his belly button, and then further up to close his lips around a perked nipple. He sucked lightly at it, making Regulus whimper. Finally he moved up so they were face to face.

"Do you want me?" Regulus breathed, staring at Remus with lust-blown eyes.

Remus swallowed hard. "Merlin, yes!"

"Come on, then," whispered Regulus and wrapped his arms around Remus' neck, pulling him down for a kiss. He spread his legs, giving Remus better access, and rolled his hips enticingly.

Remus closed his eyes, taking a deep calming breath. How was it even possible to be so aroused and nervous at the same time?

Regulus drew in a sharp breath when Remus breached him. _Well_ , Remus thought. _At least no loud outburst of swearing this time. That has to be an improvement_. Regulus had tensed up, though, his breathing coming in short gasps.

Remus decided against making Regulus aware that he was digging his nails rather painfully into his buttocks. He could take a bit of pain if Regulus could. He kept still and dipped his head to tenderly kiss and suck at Regulus' neck - that spot just below the ear that would always turn him into mush.

"Just relax, baby, it will be better in a moment," he murmured into his ear.

"Just... don't move."

"I won't."

It wasn't long before Regulus nodded for him to continue. Remus moved slowly and in tiny thrusts. There was some tension and resistance, but nowhere near as bad as last time.

"Does it hurt?"

"J-just a bit," said Regulus with a shaky voice.

Remus stopped moving when he was about two thirds in, deciding that was enough.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Keep going."

"Patience," said Remus. He wanted to give Regulus a bit more time to accommodate, and, frankly, he needed a break himself if it wasn't going to be over too soon.

"How does it feel?" Regulus asked curiously.

"It... it's bloody amazing, Reg."

"Good."

As Remus started moving again, Regulus hooked his legs around his waist, pulling them closer together. Remus buried his face in the crook of Regulus' neck, almost loosing himself in the sensations. It was better than he had imagined - different, but better.

"Still okay?"

"Yes. Stop asking me that!"

They were moving more smoothly now and starting to get into a steady rhythm. Remus could feel warmth coiling in his lower abdomen, and while it felt incredible, he wasn't welcoming it entirely. He really wanted this to last longer.

Suddenly Regulus emitted a surprised "Oh!"

Remus stilled immediately. "What? Did I hurt you?"

"No!" Regulus gasped. "That was... that felt really good. Do it again!"

Remus rocked his hips experimentally, trying to get another reaction. When he got it (Regulus throwing his head back in the pillow and gasping "bloody hell!") he kept repeating that specific movement. In no time, he had Regulus moaning and meeting his thrusts, urging him to keep going.

It felt even better now that Regulus was obviously taking pleasure in it too, and Remus fought to stave off his rapidly building orgasm. He didn't want to leave Regulus behind; desperately wanted him to come first. He was a master of self-control, but still there are limits to everything, and he was certainly pushing his.

"Reg," he panted, "stroke yourself." He would have done it himself, but he had more than enough to concentrate on, holding himself up and thrusting just right.

Regulus obediently grasped himself and started pumping. "Oh, fuck, Remus - I'm not gonna last!"

"Thank God! Me neither!"

Regulus sped up his movement and soon after he was arching up against Remus and spilling himself between them.

Finally Remus let himself go, and not many seconds later he finished off with a few hard thrusts and a hoarse "Regulus!", a powerful orgasm washing over him.

Before he had a chance to catch his breath Regulus had pulled his head down in a brutal kiss. He indulged him for a moment but then had to pull away.

"Reg," he gasped, "I need to breathe!"

"Sorry. That was just... you're just so amazing!" Regulus said, half laughing half sighing.

Remus grinned and rolled off and onto his back.

Regulus shifted, propping his head up with his hand, looking at Remus and grinning giddily. "We _did_ it!"

"I told you we'd make it work," Remus smiled. He reached out to cradle the younger boy's head, smoothing his damp fringe away from his forehead and looking into his eyes. "You were wonderful, Reg. You have no idea..."

"So were you! Just - wow," said Regulus. Then, with a content sigh, he cuddled up to Remus and rested his head on his chest.

After having basked in the bliss for a while they cleaned themselves up and lay back down, facing each other.

"You don't have spaghetti arms," Remus said, running his hand affectionately down Regulus' side. "Your body is perfect."

"I know. That you think so, I mean."

They lay, looking at each other for a moment.

"Are you waiting for me to tell you that you're not fat?" Regulus grinned.

"Well, you really hurt my feelings," said Remus, faking a sob.

"Poor baby. Of course you're not fat." Then he continued in a more serious tone, "Actually you could do with a few extra pounds."

"That's a bit difficult with my condition. It's rather hard on the body. Why - do you think it's unattractive?" Remus said, suddenly feeling unsure of himself.

Regulus smiled warmly. "No. I like you just the way you are."


	26. Rats and Kneazles

**Chapter 26 - Rats and Kneazles**

"I hate this part," said Regulus, wrinkling his nose as he pulled a dead rat from the sack he was holding.

They were standing inside the large enclosure where Hogwarts' kneazles were kept. Remus took every opportunity he could to spend time with Regulus outside of the Room of Requirement. Like today, where his schedule allowed him to help Regulus with his volunteer work for Kettleburn. They met up outside and were careful to go unnoticed. And _if_ someone happened to spot them, there was always the excuse that they were COMC partners and working on a project.

Remus burst out laughing. "Do you remember the first time we did something together? You were moaning about having to hold the ferrets for the hippogriff."

"Yes, well, dead animals are disgusting."

"Well, since you're being so much nicer to me now, I'll do it this time," said Remus and took the sack out of Regulus' hand. He returned the smile it got him and started walking around the enclosure, tossing a rat for each kneazle.

"Careful - the spotted one over there doesn't like me for some reason."

"Yeah, he attacked Sirius in fifth year -" the scowl Remus received made him stop mid-sentence. "I'm just saying -"

"Yes, I know what you're saying, thank you very much," Regulus said curtly.

"Sorry."

They sat down on a big log in the middle of the enclosure and watched the kneazles eat.  A little black kitten came toddling, looking at them curiously, and then climbed resolutely up Remus' trouser leg. It was soon joined by its littermates, who obviously wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

"Kneazles are my favourite," Regulus said, holding one of the kittens up in front of him and laughing when it swatted at his nose. "Next after hippogriffs, of course."

"Why don't you have a cat then?" asked Remus. "You could even have a half-kneazle. You don't need a special permit for that."

Regulus shook his head. "We were never allowed to keep pets. They're filthy. There's the family owls, of course, but they aren't allowed in the house, so that isn't much fun."

Remus sighed. "That's too bad. When you love animals so much."

"Sirius gave me a kitten once..." Regulus said pensively, absent-mindedly stroking the tabby that had now taken residence in his lap. "He'd found it outside on one of his escapades. We kept it hidden, but of course that didn't last forever. Mother found it and... well, disposed of it."

Remus bit his lip to keep from saying something nasty about Mrs. Black. Instead he said, "You almost speak of him fondly."

"Who? The kitten?"

"No, you twat. _Sirius_. Sometimes, when you talk about your childhood..."

"Oh," said Regulus, looking a bit uncomfortable. "Well... when I was little he was nice. He was a great big brother actually. A long time ago. He was the one I went to when I was scared or upset because he didn't make me feel ashamed about it. He would always comfort me and make me laugh. I remember wanting to be just like him - ironic, isn't it?"

"So you were actually close once?"

"I guess. Of course we had our differences, mostly about our parents, but yeah, we were close." Regulus' tone suddenly changed. "Until he turned into a total prick, that is. When the idiot got himself sorted into Gryffindor." He spat the last word. "That's when it all started to go to hell. I missed him so much when he left for Hogwarts. And he - he just found new friends. In his letters he would go on and on about how amazing you blokes were. James this and Remus and Peter that."

"So you were jealous."

"No - I just got sick of hearing about it!"

"Why did you care so much that he became a Gryffindor, anyway?"

"Because it's _wrong_! He was supposed to be in Slytherin. Our whole family is - always have been. Our parents went ballistic. Said that this was the ultimate proof he was a bad seed."

"But why does that make _you_ so mad?" Remus asked again.

"Who do you think they took it out on?" said Regulus angrily.

"What do you mean?"

The Slytherin sighed heavily. Then after a moment he said, "I don't want to hear you say anything bad about my parents. Otherwise I won't tell you this."

"All right. I promise."

"You have to see it from their perspective..." Regulus started. He rolled the tip of the kitten's tail between his thumb and forefinger. "Isn't it funny how their tails don't start to tuft until they're almost -"

"Reg - you were about to tell me something," Remus reminded him.

"Right. Well, I think this was when they realised Sirius was a lost cause - that he would never turn out right. So they couldn't afford to risk anything with me. Of course I understand this, but that didn't make it any more fun to be me."

"What did they do, Reg?" Remus pressed when it looked like Regulus, who had started playing with the kitten in his lap, had forgotten what they were talking about.

"I guess they thought they'd been too soft on Sirius, and they weren't going to make the same mistake twice. So they became _really_ strict. Every little thing I did or said that could be interpreted as Muggle or mudblood friendly was punished harshly. Sometimes I didn't even realise what it was I'd said. I wasn't allowed to speak positively about Sirius either. And questions - they hated when I asked questions, especially about the things they were teaching me. I couldn't ask _why_."

"Was it... did they hurt you?" Remus remembered when Regulus had used the whipping curse on Sirius and told him that it was their mother's favourite disciplining tool. Favourite. Which meant that there were others too.

"Sometimes," said Regulus airily. "Other times mother would just yell at me. Or I'd be sent to my room without dinner."

Remus opened his mouth, but shut it again. He had _promised_. Instead he put a hand on his boyfriend's thigh and squeezed it reassuringly. He didn't know if Regulus was going to tell him more, because he was, again, preoccupied with the little kneazle.

But after several minutes he started talking again. "The thing I hated the most was the long lectures. We would have these marathon sessions where they took turns talking with me. I didn't get any breaks and they wouldn't let me sleep or eat until they were content with my progress. They would question me for hours, and I wanted to answer them correctly, Remus, I really wanted to be good, but often I didn't know what the right answers were and I'd have to guess, and Merlin forbid if I was wrong," he finished, shuddering at the memory. He had to stop for a moment to gain his breath, having spoken so fast. He still didn't look at Remus. He never did when he was telling him about difficult things.

"Regulus -"

"Sometimes... sometimes when I'd been _really_ bad, Bella and Malfoy would come over and they'd all have a go at me at the same time, lecturing me about respectable pure-blood behaviour and family loyalty. Once it lasted almost two days. I think. I lost track of time. I've never been so tired in my life. In the end I didn't care what they said, I didn't care what I said, I just wanted to sleep. Sometimes during these sessions I couldn't help nodding off, and then Malfoy would rap me on the forehead with that creepy cane of his. They would ridicule and mock me. When I had trouble staying awake they'd tell me I was lazy. When I didn't know what to say or answered a question incorrectly, they'd tell me I was stupid. And when I started crying, Bella would cackle and call me a pathetic little baby and a coward, not worthy of my name."

Remus was dumbstruck. He had thought that nothing could surprise him anymore about the extent of the Black's cruelty toward their sons. 

"Did Sirius... did you tell Sirius about this?" he finally managed. He didn't really need an answer, though. If Sirius had known, all hell would have broken loose.

"Of course not!"

"Why not? He would never have let it continue - he would have intervened."

"Exactly! And it would just have made everything even worse. Didn't you listen to me when I told you about that time when -"

"Yes, I did. But this... this went on for how long? A year? You needed someone - he could have -"

"I didn't want his help anyway," Regulus scoffed. "The whole thing was _his_ fault!"

" _Regulus!_ " Remus gasped in shock.

"Well, it _was_ ," said Regulus stubbornly. "There he was in Gryffindor, having the time of his life, while I was left behind, paying for _his_ mistakes and selfish behaviour."

"But it wasn't Sirius' fault that he was sorted into Gryffindor."

"Yes it was! He asked the Hat to put him there!"

"He - really?"

"He told me. Was all proud of it, too. So you see why I hate him so much."

Remus thought about it for a moment. Then he said, "The Hat would have put him there regardless. He's Gryffindor through and through. You have to admit that."

"Well, he certainly has his share of Slytherin qualities as well," Regulus insisted. "Think of the way he sacrificed me, just so he could have things the way he wanted!"

"Sirius was not the one who abused you, Reg," Remus said quietly.

"He might as well have been! Because of _him_ our parents were forced to take precautions to make sure that I didn't follow in his footsteps. He left them no choice."

Remus could hardly believe what he was hearing. "Regulus, you're being completely unreasonable!" 

"You ALWAYS take his side!" Regulus yelled. The kitten in his lap spluttered in shock and took flight.

"Four adults systematically abused you, and you blame it all on a twelve-year-old boy who wasn't even there and had no idea it was happening?"

"They weren't _abusing_ me!"

" _What_? What else would you call it? They abused you, Reg. Physically, emotionally, _and_ mentally!"

"You PROMISED you wouldn't speak ill of my parents!" Regulus shouted, jumping to his feet.

"I'm sorry, but I can't keep that promise," said Remus, getting up as well. "I can't just sit by listening to you defend them when I know how monstrously they've treated you!"

"It's their _job_ to raise me to be a responsible heir! They have the right to -"

"NO ONE has the right to treat someone like this - no matter the reason - _especially_ not a defenceless ten-year-old!" Remus grabbed Regulus by the shoulders and shook him, as if he could knock some sense into him that way. "How can you be so BLIND? Open your bloody eyes, Reg!"

Regulus stared back at him in surprise.

Remus let go, taking a step back, realising how hard he had been shaking the younger boy. "I'm sorry. I just... I don't know what infuriates me the most - how badly they mistreated you or that they actually made you believe they were doing the right thing. And it's going on still, isn't it?"

"No! Not like that... because I'm a good son, now. They didn't continue being so hard on me, you know. It was just a part of my education, if you will. Then I came to Hogwarts - Merlin, I was terrified that the Hat would put me in Gryffindor - and I was sorted into Slytherin. So in a way it was all worth it. They were so happy. Gave me a new broom - the best on the market."

"It was all worth it because you got a new broom?" Remus asked incredulously.

"No - you don't understand. They were _proud_ of me."

Remus sighed heavily. "Yes... I understand. It's just... fucked up." 

"You can't tell anyone," Regulus said, his eyes pleading. "This is _my_ secret. I can't have it come out. Ever."

Remus nodded and pulled Regulus into an embrace. "I understand. I won't tell. But I can't stand the thought of them hurting you again. I just want to protect you. Please let me do that."

"That would be nice," mumbled Regulus into Remus' shoulder. "But I don't know if I can."


	27. Break Your Heart

**Chapter 27 - Break Your Heart**

"Do you want to sneak out and do something this weekend? Saturday I need to recuperate from the full, but what about Sunday?"

Regulus shook his head. "I can't. I have to go home."

" _Home?_ Why?"

"They want to see me."

"But why _now?_ Easter is only a month away. Why can't they wait until then?" Remus felt very uneasy about this. Frankly, he didn't like the thought of Regulus spending time at Grimmauld Place at all - Easter holidays or not. 

"I don't know, Remus," Regulus said irritably. "They just want me home, okay?"

"Do you think it's about..."

"About what?"

"You know... e-engagement." It hurt saying the word.

Regulus' jaw tightened and he looked stiffly ahead. "I don't _know_ , Remus."

Remus took Regulus' hand in his. "Reg... don't... don't agree to anything. Please. I can't stand the thought - I can't - you can't..."

"Take it easy, all right?" Regulus said, forcing a smile and giving Remus' hand a squeeze. "You don't know if that's what it's about. Who says it's about anything at all? Maybe they just miss me..."

**o0o0o**

"Hello, Padfoot," Remus mumbled, not bothering to open his eyes just yet. His lids were heavy with exhaustion from the previous night's transformation.

"How do you know I'm here?" sounded a baffled Sirius. "I'm quiet as a mouse!"

Remus felt a small smile pulling at his lips. "I always know when you're there. I can feel you watching me."

"The hell you can!" Sirius laughed and gave Remus a nudge.

Remus yawned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "How long have I slept?"

Sirius checked his watch. "Well, it's almost six o'clock, so most of the day. Are you coming down for dinner?"

"No, I need a few more hours. Then I'll go straight to the dorm."

Sirius nodded and helped Remus sit up, propping him up on a couple of pillows. Then he said, in a way no doubt supposed to come across as nonchalant, "How are you avoiding Reggie this time?" 

"I'm not avoiding him. He's home for the weekend."

"Oh," said Sirius, a smile spreading on his face. "That's good. I mean, not because I'm glad he's out of the way or anything - well actually I am - but -"

"What are you trying to say?" Remus interrupted.

"Just that it's good timing, is all. This way he won't notice you've been ill again."

"That's not an issue anymore. He knows."

Sirius looked blank for a second. Then all blood appeared to drain from his face.

"He _knows?_ Do you mean - are you saying that he knows you're a -"

"Yes," Remus said quietly. He hadn't told his friend until now, mainly because they had silently agreed that it was best just not to discuss Regulus. Because when they did, they nearly always ended up quarrelling.

"Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Sirius cursed, pulling at his hair. "How can you be so calm about it? What's going to happen now? How did he find out?"

"I told him."

Sirius jumped up from his chair. "You - WHAT? Are you bloody _insane_ , Moony?"

"I felt I owed him the truth. And I'm calm about it because he's not going to tell anyone. He's fine with it."

"Are you taking the piss? Because it's not _funny_ , Moony!"

"I'm not joking. He really is okay with it."

"And you truly _believe_ that?"

"Yes, I do. Why is that so hard to understand?"

"Because - because it's _Regulus_! He - he's..."

"Well, to tell the truth, he _did_ freak out at first," Remus explained. "But he came to terms with it. Lily had a talk with him and the next day he came back to me."

Sirius stood there staring into thin air for a long moment. Remus could almost see the cogs and wheels turning in his head.

"I don't get it... It's... I mean... he..." Sirius mumbled to himself. "Remus - you have to understand that the Regulus I know would never ever react like that."

"You're probably right," said Remus calmly. "But he's changed a lot this year. I'm sure that if he'd found out about it early in our relationship he _would_ have reacted the way you think. But by the time I told him he had got to know me, and he's not as narrow-minded as he used to be. He's really come a long way, Sirius. You would see that for yourself if the two of you could stand being in the same room together. Godric, I wish you tossers weren't so stubborn," he added, mostly to himself.

Sirius flopped down on the chair, burying his face in his hands. "I don't know what to think, Moony. I just..." He looked up again. "What if he's just playing you along? What if he... he's got a hold on you now. What if he's just waiting for the right moment to expose you?"

Remus sighed. "Look. I appreciate that you're worried about me. But I promise you that's it's all right. What is 'the right moment', anyway?"

"I dunno. I just don't..."

"You just don't trust him. I know," said Remus, sending Sirius a little smile. "But I have it sorted, all right? You can stop worrying, Padfoot."

Even if it was a little annoying, it was also sort of endearing that Sirius cared so much for his safety. Remus looked at him fondly. Then smiled again.

"It's nice to have you back, you know. Around the full. I hated waking up in the Shack alone... And I bet Moony missed Padfoot too."

Sirius grinned. "Yeah, he did. We had a blast last night! I've missed it too you know; it's good to have things back to normal."

"Well," said Remus. "Where's my usual backrub, then?" It was one of the things Sirius always did, part of their 'post-full-routine'.

Sirius looked a little surprised. "You - you want one?"

"Yeah, of course!"

"Right then. Uh - lean forward."

Remus did, and Sirius sat sideways on the bed behind him. Sirius carefully slipped the nightshirt over his head and touched his back a bit hesitantly. 

"Come _on_ , Padfoot," whined Remus, wriggling his shoulder to get Sirius to rub harder.

"Patience, love," laughed Sirius. "Merlin, you're so high maintenance!"

"Just get on with it will you?"

"I spoil you way too much," said Sirius as he began kneading Remus' neck and shoulders.

Sirius really did have talented hands. His massages always made Remus' sore back loosen up and feel much better. More than any of Madam Pomfrey's potions could. 

"Oh, that's heavenly, Padfoot," Remus groaned, leaning back. "Yes - right there! A bit harder…"

Sirius suddenly stopped and pulled back. "Fuck, Remus, I just remembered I promised to help Peter with his Transfiguration essay.

"Why are being so weird about touching me? Is it because I have a boyfriend?"

"No, it's because I'm desperately in love with you."

It was clearly meant as a joke, but there was something in Sirius' voice that made Remus stop and think. He turned around and looked at him. "You're kidding right?"

"Of course I am, you twit!" laughed Sirius and gave Remus' nose a playful flick. But his eyes told a different story.

It was as if something clicked in Remus' head. The way Sirius would always look at him, how protective he was, how caring and affectionate he was. More so than with the other Marauders - even James who was his best friend. How he punched James but could not bring himself to lay a finger on Remus when he had caught him with Regulus. What if Remus had just become friends with Regulus? Would Sirius have reacted as strongly? Remus didn't think so.

He fixed Sirius with his gaze. "Padfoot... you're _not_ joking, are you?"

The smile on Sirius' face disappeared and he looked away.

"Sirius..."

"All right, maybe I'm not," he mumbled.

"Oh God, you really are in love with me!" gasped Remus, still having trouble wrapping his head around this new revelation. "B-but why? _How?_ "

"How could I not? You're wonderful! Even my stupid brother can see that."

"When? When did you...?"

"A couple of years ago, I guess. Maybe longer."

Remus drew his legs to his chest and rested his forehead on his knees. The thoughts were whirling in his head. He hadn't seen this one coming at all. Suddenly he let out a laugh. He looked up to find Sirius staring back at him, his expression confused.

"What's so funny?"

"Bloody hell, Padfoot," Remus groaned. "If only you had told me this last year..."

"Then what?"

"Well, I had a huge crush on you!"

"WHAT?" exclaimed Sirius, his eyes looking like they were about to pop out of their sockets. "Are you telling me that you - that we could have been together now if only -"

"I guess..."

"Well, _why the fuck_ didn't you tell me?" Sirius nearly shouted.

"I didn't think you were interested."

"You could have asked!"

"I didn't want to risk ruining our friendship."

Sirius spluttered. "Oh - you didn't want to risk our friendship? And you didn't think _shagging my brother_ would? That's a good one, Remus!"

Remus didn't know what to say. Sirius had a point.

"Well?" demanded Sirius.

"Well, what?"

"Why didn't you do something about it if you really had a crush on me?"

"You didn't do anything either!" Remus shot back, feeling a little bit childish.

"I was sure you were straight! You'd never given us a reason to believe otherwise. But you knew that I swing both ways! You knew it was an option!"

Remus had to admit that he had another point. "I don't know. I didn't have the guts to do it. I mean you're - you could have anyone you want!"

"Well, obviously not," Sirius commented drily.

Remus looked down at his hands, not knowing what more to say.

"So - so that's why you went after Reggie?" said Sirius, after a long pause. "Because you thought you couldn't have me?"

"No! It's not like that at all. I was over you before that."

Sirius shot him a sceptical look. "So it wasn't at all because he looks so much like me?"

"It's funny how you always deny that resemblance..."

"Oh, who am I kidding?" Sirius said irritably, giving a wave of his hand.

"Besides, it's not about the looks. It wasn't with you and it isn't with him. And, you know, personality-wise you aren't exactly similar."

Sirius suddenly grabbed Remus by the wrists, leaned forward, and stared intensely at him. "Moony... I... give me a chance! You had feelings for me - you can again!"

"Padfoot -" Remus started, trying to pull himself free, but Sirius just tightened his grip.

"No, Remus, please - let me finish. He can't possibly love you as much as I do. I'd do _anything_ for you. I'd treat you like a prince."

"Stop it. I'm not a bloody girl, you know."

"I said 'prince' not 'princess'."

"You know what I mean."

"I'd love you fiercely. I'd support you, take care of you when you're ill, protect you from ignorant and prejudiced people, make you feel safe. I'd be there for you always, I'd be strong when you're not, I'd be your rock. Reggie - he can't give you all that. Even if he wanted to. He's too young and weak and insecure."

Sirius was right, Remus realised. This was exactly the kind of boyfriend he would be. And Regulus - well, Regulus had so many problems and issues. In their relationship _he_ was the one who needed taking care of. And Remus was more than happy to do that. It seemed that he was the only one who truly loved Regulus and looked out for his best interests. 

And it made Remus feel really good. It felt good to be needed like this, to be looked to for guidance, to have someone craving his love so desperately. It felt good to have the power to make such a difference in someone else's life. Did that make him selfish? Maybe so. But what was wrong with that? He could afford it. 

He knew what it was like to feel lonely and weak. To have no self-esteem. Sirius, Peter, and James had been there for him. They had cared and liked him regardless of what he was. They had given him self-confidence and strength to stand up for himself. He had so much to be grateful for, but it also made him feel in their debt. It felt good to have the chance to do this for somebody else. To be able to give something back.

"Sirius, I know you would. But I can take care of myself. Besides, you already give me all of these things. You're the best friend anyone could have. I treasure that very much, I hope you know that. And I'd do almost anything for you as well."

"Almost?" Sirius said, hurt evident in his voice.

"I can't give up Regulus. That's the only thing I can't do for you. But I'll always be there for you as a friend."

Sirius let Remus' wrists slip out of his grip and hung his head, looking so defeated that it clawed at Remus' heart.

He took a gentle hold of the other boy's shoulders. "Sirius. Please don't feel rejected. A real friend is just as important as a lover. It's just in a different way. I care for you just as much as I do for him. If he asked me to give _you_ up, I wouldn't do that either. It goes both ways."

"He hasn't?" Sirius said, raising his head. His beautiful grey eyes were filled with unshed tears. 

"No. Because he knows that I'd never do it. Padfoot, please don't start crying. I can't bear it."

"I'm not!" said Sirius and furiously wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

Remus was angry with himself. He should _never_ have told Sirius that he had had a crush on him. It only served to make him even more upset and bitter about what could have been. Plus it gave him false hope.

"Moony - please reconsider. Not just for my sake. I can't stand the thought of you getting hurt. Listen to me: He's going to break your heart. One way or another."

**o0o0o**

Regulus was nowhere to be seen in the Great Hall for dinner Sunday night. Remus was a little surprised that he hadn't come back yet. It was a school day tomorrow after all.

It turned out that Regulus had already come back. He caught Remus as he made his way back to his House. He peeked out from behind a pillar and waved Remus over. Making sure that no one saw them they retreated into the nearest classroom.

As soon as the door closed behind them Regulus enveloped Remus in a tight embrace. He clung to him, digging his fingers into his back.

"Take it easy. It's only been two days!"

Regulus pulled back, looking at him. "Didn't you miss me?"

"Of course I missed you," said Remus and gave him a peck on the nose. 

Then he noticed how pale the other boy was and the dark circles under his eyes. "You don't look well. Are you coming down with something?" He felt his cheeks and forehead but didn't find a temperature.

"No, I'm fine. Just tired. It's been a long weekend."

"All right," Remus said, nodding. "So, how was your visit?" He asked, trying not to sound as anxious as he felt.

Regulus shrugged. "It was fine. Nothing special."

"They didn't have anything important to say?"

"No," said Regulus, avoiding eye contact.

"Really?" Remus asked, fixing him with his gaze.

After a few seconds Regulus sighed. "No, that's not true. They... they did want something."

"What?" said Remus, feeling his pulse quicken.

"You're going to hate them."

 _As if I don't already_ , Remus thought bitterly.

"You're going to hate me..." Regulus continued, looking even more off-colour.

" _You?_ What are you talking about? I could never hate you!" He took both of Regulus' hands in his and squeezed them. "Why are you saying that? What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything," Regulus said quietly, looking down at his shoes.

"What is it then? Tell me!" Remus was getting really nervous now.

"They've set a date."

"W-what kind of date?"

"Date as in 'a specific day of a specific month'."

Remus felt sweat break out on his forehead and his stomach contract. It was just as he had feared. He just hadn't been prepared to deal with it so soon.

"A-and you didn't say anything? You're just going to let them marry you off to some -"

Regulus lifted his gaze from the floor, looking a little surprised. "No," he said. "That's not it. They've set a date for me to take the Dark Mark."


	28. Frustrations

**Chapter 28 - Frustrations**

Remus stared at Regulus, his mouth falling slightly open. It was like his brain had been jerked to a halt. He just kept staring. So long that he could see he was making Regulus very uncomfortable.

"W-what?" he finally croaked.

"Y-you know... the..." Regulus began. The words seemed to get stuck in his throat and instead he rolled up his sleeve to point to the underside of his forearm.

Remus reached out to gently run his thumb over the spot where Voldemort burned his hideous signature into the flesh of his followers. The thought of the image of dark writhing snakes marring Regulus' flawless skin made nausea well up in Remus.

"Did you know this was going to happen?" he asked, looking back up at Regulus.

Regulus spoke so quietly that Remus had to strain to hear it.

"I knew they hoped I would join up, but I didn't think they'd actually make the decision for me..."

"Why not?" said Remus, suddenly feeling anger grip him. "They make all other decisions for you!"

Regulus flinched at the hard tone. "Yeah, but... this is so... I don't know. I've tried not to think about it."

"Of course you have. Because that just makes all the unpleasant things go away, doesn't it?"

Regulus stood with his head bent, staring at the floor.

"So what's going to happen now? What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," Regulus whispered.

"Well, figure it out then! You can't just stay passive. Not this time. You have deal with it!"

"Lay off me, will you? I'm kind of in shock here, okay? I can't _handle_ it right now! My head's aching and I'm exhausted. I've barely slept since Friday!"

Again noticing how pale and unwell Regulus looked, Remus felt his irritation ebb away. 

"Okay," he said, pulling the younger boy into his arms. "All right. You should get a good night's sleep. And maybe something to eat. You didn't get any dinner, did you?"

Regulus shook his head. "I'm not hungry."

"Do you want me to stay with you? We could spend the night in the Room of Requirement." 

Regulus gave a weak smile. "That would be nice."

"And tomorrow we discuss this, okay? No more procrastinating."

**o0o0o**

Remus sat leaning against the headboard, watching Regulus sleep, debating whether it was too early or not to wake him up. Wondering if the boy had gotten enough rest to get a clear head.

He himself hadn't slept at all. Regulus had cuddled up to him like a small child and passed out as soon as they got into bed the night before. Remus, however, hadn't been the least bit tired. His brain had been working on overdrive. Thinking about his time with Regulus. How far they'd come. Thinking about how completely Regulus' family was still dominating every little aspect of his life and controlling his will. Considering every possible and impossible solution to this problem.

When he had finally started to drift off as the morning hours drew near, Regulus had become restless, tossing back and forth and whimpering in his sleep, keeping Remus awake as a result.

Before he could make the decision, Regulus stirred and slowly opened his eyes. He gave Remus a little smile.

"Hey, you. Sleep well?"

"Sort of. What time is it?"

"Nine."

"What?" said Regulus, sitting up abruptly. "Why didn't you wake me? Lessons have started - I'll be late!"

"Honestly, Reg, there are more important things than lessons right now."

Regulus groaned and lay back down, covering his face with his hands.

"Here," said Remus, showing him a plate of food. "I sneaked down to get us some breakfast."

"Thanks, but..."

"Don't tell me you're not hungry. You need the energy. We have a lot to talk about." 

Remus watched as Regulus slowly ate his baked beans and toast. He was a whirl of emotions. He was angry, scared, and confused. One thing was for sure, though: he was determined to make Regulus see the truth about his upbringing and his family. This time he wasn't going to let off for fear of being shut out. He was going to push through Regulus' last barriers. He wasn't going to let the Blacks ruin their youngest son's life for good.

"Okay, Reg," he said as Regulus placed his half eaten plate on the night stand. "Tell me everything."

Regulus was silent for a while. "Well... I don't know where to begin."

"You can start by telling me when this is going to happen."

"Easter."

" _What_? But that's - that's so soon!"

"I know..."

"You're not even of age!"

"I know that too."

"Why are they so eager for you to join, anyway?"

"Well, pure-bloods are becoming rarer and rarer. Our blood is being polluted with Muggle blood. You know that we're an old wizarding family, and my parents feel that we have an obligation to support the cause. More than just financially, which they've been doing so far. It's in our own interest. Sort of a fight for survival."

Remus opened his mouth to say something, but Regulus stopped him with a hand gesture. "You'll never understand this, because you don't care what people's blood status is. It wouldn't bother you the least bit if there were only half-bloods and Mud- Muggle-borns in the world."

"A lot of pure-bloods don't care either."

"Yeah well, that's the problem. If they'd only stick to their own kind..." 

"So you think that justifies establishing a tyranny? To force people to stick to their own kind? Or should people less than pure-bloods not be allowed to reproduce at all? If so, then what about those that do it anyway - is the government going to dispose of those children?"

"No!" gasped Regulus, looking horrified. "That's not how it's going to be!"

"And how do you know that? How else are they going to stop Muggle-blood from spreading?"

"I don't know! But what you're saying - that's outrageous!"

Remus decided to continue with this strategy, seeing that it was making an impression on Regulus. "Or are they going to take it even further and simply wipe out all Muggle-borns? Have you heard about how the Nazis tried to exterminate the whole Jewish race during World War II?"

"Yes, I've heard about that. And it just goes to show how sick and dangerous Muggles are!"

"That's not the point I was making at all! It goes to show what can happen when someone believes they belong to a superior race and that another race is no better than vermin that should be exterminated!"

"Nowhere near all pure-bloods think that way!"

"Neither do Muggles! What happened during World War II was constituted by one evil tyrant and a few loyal supporters. Ring any bells?"

"You're SO far out, Remus! I'm not going to continue this idiotic discussion," Regulus said, crossing his arms.

"Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but the principle is the same. If Voldemort gains power, who knows how far he's going to take it?"

"Maybe he just wants to make sure the Wizarding World is safe. We're the minority here, Remus! Your little analogy doesn't hold water. We're the ones who need protection. And like I said - I don't want to discuss this anymore!"

Remus sighed and lay down on his back, trying to think of another way to approach the problem.

After a while he said, "Regulus. Do you actually _want_ to join the Death Eaters?"

Regulus sighed heavily. "Of course I don't. I don't want to fight at all, and I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't like any of the Death Eaters I know. Most of them are cruel, and my cousin is downright insane. But it doesn't matter what I want, Remus. My parents -"

"Oh, don't start on that again! It DOES matter what you want! It's YOUR life!"

"You just don't understand! I have an obligation to my family. My parents are the heads of it, and I have to do what they say, even if I don't agree with them."

Remus got a sudden urge to hit Regulus. Really hard. Maybe that was the only language he understood, he thought bitterly. And then he immediately felt bad for thinking like that. Of course that wasn't how he felt. He just felt so helpless and Regulus seemed immune to all his arguments.

"But Reg, you _don't_ always do what your parents want. You're with me, aren't you? I'm pretty sure that's the last thing your parents would want. You didn't choose to be gay but you choose to _act_ on it. And you choose to be with a half-blood. I'm half Muggle, Regulus."

"No, you're a wizard!"

"BELT UP AND LET ME FINISH!" Remus yelled and tried to ignore how the comment caused Regulus to look like a kicked puppy. He wasn't used to Remus talking to him like that at all, much less shouting. "Fifty percent of the blood in my veins is Muggle, Regulus. It's against all that your family believes in. And you do it anyway. Why? Because you don't really believe in all that elitist nonsense anymore!"

"That's not true. It's _wrong_ what we do! Don't you think I know that. I do it because I'm a selfish and bad person. I don't _want_ to love you, because it's not right, but I just can't help myself! "

"Merlin, Regulus, they've really messed you up, haven't they?" Remus groaned, shaking his head slowly. "You're not a bad person! Love is the most selfless emotion there is! You're with me because you love me and that's good."

"But I love my family too," Regulus said quietly.

" _Why_? They've done nothing but mistreat you your whole life! They don't love you. You said it yourself, remember?"

"Yeah, but... if I do this, maybe they will," Regulus said, looking both sad and hopeful.

"No, they won't! It doesn't work that way. If they don't love you now, they never will."

Regulus looked close to crying. "You don't know that... You don't know anything."

**o0o0o**

After another hour of prolonged discussion, that didn't really go anywhere, Remus dragged himself up the stairs, longing to collapse on his bed, draw the curtains and escape into blessed, oblivious sleep.

He groaned inwardly when finding Sirius in the dorm - right now when he just wanted to be alone. 

"Hey," said Sirius looking up at him. "Where've you -" He stopped midsentence as he took in Remus' appearance. "What's with _you_? What happened?"

"Nothing. I'm fine," Remus said, attempting a smile.

"Bollocks! Do you think I'm blind? You look like something the kneazle dragged in. What's wrong?"

Remus ignored him, walking over to his trunk and pretended to put his things in order - although they were already neatly arranged. He felt Sirius stepping up behind him.

"Is it Reggie? It is, isn't it? What did he do?" There was a hint of protectiveness in his voice.

"He didn't do anything," Remus sighed. "That's the problem."

Sirius squatted next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "So, what _didn't_ he do?"

"He didn't tell your fucking parents to go to hell!" Remus almost shouted, feeling his restraint slipping.

"Of course he didn't," Sirius laughed. "Were you expecting him to?"

"I don't know. I didn't... I thought there must be a limit to his blind obedience."

Sirius sighed. "What do they want from him _now_? Did they find him a nice little pure-blood fiancé?"

"It's worse than that. He... they want him to join Voldemort. They already set a date for him to take the Mark."

Remus knew he was betraying Regulus' trust by telling Sirius, but this was just too much for him to handle on his own.

Sirius' hand slipped off of Remus' shoulder. "Are you _kidding_ me? And the little idiot is planning on doing it?"

"I don't think he's planning anything. It's like he doesn't know how to deal with it, so he doesn't do anything at all."

Sirius suddenly got up and headed resolutely for the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Off to knock some sense into that thick skull of his."

"No!" Remus exclaimed, jumping to his feet. "You can't do that!"

Sirius stopped and turned to face Remus who had now grabbed him by the sleeve. "And why not?"

"You know what happened last time you two came face to face!"

"I'm not going to hurt him! I just want to talk."

"Right," Remus scoffed. "He's going to provoke you and you'll fly off the handle. You won't be able to control yourself!"

"I'll do just fine. Now, let go of me!" said Sirius, yanking his sleeve free of Remus' grasp.

"Stay away from him, Sirius!" Remus said in a threatening tone.

"You're so bent on protecting him from me, "Sirius snapped. "You should rather worry about protecting him from Voldemort and those psychos by his side! They're going to eat him alive, Remus! He doesn't have the stomach for what goes on in there. He once fainted when we saw Bellatrix AK a stray. Do you think they'll have any patience with someone like that?"

"Yes, I _know_! Don't you think I'd do absolutely anything to convince him? But you telling him not to join is just going to make him want to even more! You're just going to make it worse!"

"Well, I'm not just going to sit back and watch my little brother get himself into that shit! I'm going - with or without your approval." 

Sirius fixed Remus with a very determined gaze. Remus sometimes wondered if Sirius' eyes could actually change hue according to his mood. When he was happy and excited they seemed to have a silvery glint to them. When he got angry they would turn dark - almost as dark as Regulus' - and when relaxed and content they were more like a soft slate. Remus knew it was stupid, of course. Eyes didn't change colour. Even so, the ones that met his right now looked like steel.

Remus knew that look. It meant that Sirius had set his mind on something, and that there was nothing anybody could do to change it.

"All right," he sighed. "But can we please do this in civilised manner? I'll be there to keep things under control; no wands and no physical contact. Somewhere where no one can spy on us. What do you say to that?"

Sirius contemplated him for a moment, then shrugged. "Fine with me. If that makes you happy. I said I didn't plan on hurting him."

Remus couldn't help the smile that tugged at his lips. "I knew you didn't really hate him."

"I didn't say that."

"Yeah, you did."


	29. Cobwebs and Brats

**Chapter 29 - Cobwebs and Brats**

And so Remus agreed to set up a meeting between the two brothers. 

There was just one obstacle: convincing Regulus.

"NO!"

"Come on, Reg. Please just..."

When asked how Sirius had come to know about the plans for Regulus to take the Mark, Remus had deemed it necessary to bend the truth a little, saying that Sirius had guessed it himself when seeing Remus so shaken up.

"I thought you wanted to protect me! Isn't that what you always say?"

"I DO! That's why I want you to agree to this. If you don't he's just going to corner you somewhere, and then who knows what's going to happen! It's my idea to do it like this. This way I can keep things under control so that you don't get hurt."

"I'm not afraid of him."

Remus tugged at his hair in frustration. "Of course not. But you do remember what McGonagall said last time, don't you? That you'll both be expelled if you raise a wand to one another again."

That at least seemed to have an effect. The Slytherin paled visibly.

"What would your parents say to that, I wonder..."

"They would understand that I had to protect myself from that traitor. And they'd convince Dumbledore to let me back," answered Regulus; but he didn't look nearly as sure as he sounded. 

"Please don't be difficult. I had enough trouble getting _him_ to agree."

No response.

"Please, Regulus," begged Remus, taking Regulus' hand and stroking it. "For me. Do it for me."

"Alright, _fine_! But it won't make any difference. I couldn't care less what he has to say to me."

**o0o0o**

"Yuck - it's filthy down here," Regulus said, wrinkling his nose as he brushed a bit of cobweb from his hair.

They were making their way through the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack where they had decided to have the meeting. Regulus had flat out refused to use the Room of Requirement.

 _"Do you think I want to associate the room I'm having sex in with my brother?_ "

When they reached the trapdoor at the end of the tunnel, Remus stopped and held out his hand, palm up.

Regulus looked at it, a little puzzled, and then put his own hand in Remus'.

"Not your hand," said Remus, a bit impatiently, "your wand."

Regulus gave him an incredulous look. " _What_? Are you crazy? I'm not going in there unarmed!"

Remus fished out another wand from his pocket and showed it to Regulus. "I have his too. There is no way I'm letting you face each other with these. I'll be the only one with a wand."

Regulus looked sceptical. "How do I know he hasn't borrowed Potter's or something?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "He's a Gryffindor. You know he plays fair. Trust me, okay?"

Pouting, Regulus reluctantly handed over his wand.

**o0o0o**

Sirius was sitting on the battered bed in the corner of the room, but quickly stood up when they entered.

Regulus strolled across the floor, heading for a massive armchair by the opposite wall. When he reached it, he casually leaned against its back and studied Sirius with mild interest.

Sirius was watching him silently, flexing his fingers and worrying his lower lip. Remus knew he was concentrating on keeping his temper in check and carefully weighing his words before speaking.

"So," said Regulus, when it appeared that Sirius wasn't about to start yelling. "What is it that you want so desperately to say to me? I don't have all day, you know."

Remus noted how Sirius' jaw tightened before taking a deep breath. "What exactly do you think you are doing, Reggie?" He managed a normal volume, but the harshness behind the words was clear.

"What I'm doing?" said Regulus, eyebrows raised. "I'm in here talking to you."

"Don't be a smart-arse! You know what I mean!"

"No, what _do_ you mean?" Regulus said with feigned politeness. "Please elaborate so that I can understand."

"I hear you are to join the Death Eaters."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Well, what the hell are you thinking? Are you seriously planning on going through with it? Are you actually that stupid?"

"It's really none of your business what I choose to do with my life."

"Choose? But you don't choose anything, do you? You let _them_ do that for you. Mummy says jump and you ask how high."

Regulus didn't answer. He was studying his fingernails, looking bored.

"Isn't that how it is, Reggie?" Sirius continued. "Has it even crossed your mind that just because those old fools say something, doesn't automatically mean that it's right? Did you stop one minute to think about what it is you're getting yourself into? This is a decision for life! When first you're in, there's no getting out! When you stand there in the middle of the bloodshed, being asked to torture or kill somebody, what are you going to do? I know you don't have it in you. How do you plan on getting yourself out of that?"

"Are you done yet? Because if you are, I would really like to get out of this dump," said Regulus, glancing around the room with an expression of distaste on his face.

Remus bit himself in the lip. He wanted to tell Regulus to stop being an arse and listen to his brother, but of course he knew better than to do that. The more he stayed out of it the better. An objective referee - that was the part he had to play.

Sirius gritted his teeth and looked like he was counting inside his head. Remus had to hand it to him - so far he was doing a good job controlling himself, considering how hot-tempered he was and how insolent Regulus was being. He worried, however, how long it was going to last.

"NO, I'm not done! I'm not done until I've knocked some sense into you!"

He started walking toward Regulus, but Remus took a quick step forward, shaking his head. "Sirius, no. I think it's best that you don't get too close."

Sirius stopped with a frustrated huff and a wave of his hand. "Remus -"

"No. I get to make the rules, remember?"

"Listen to your friend. He's a lot smarter than you are," Regulus' voice sounded. "But then again - most people are..."

"Shut up you little brat! Do you think this is funny? Do you?"

"No, I really don't. I could think of a million things that are more fun than listening to your rubbish. Being knocked off my broom by a Bludger being one of them."

Remus could tell that Sirius' patience was wearing very thin and that it wouldn't take a lot more effort on Regulus' part to push him over the edge. And he could tell that Regulus knew it as well.

"I'm going to ask you one more time -" Sirius growled through his teeth, "what do you think you're doing? Are you going to go through with it?"

"And I already told you that I'm not discussing this with you. You have absolutely no say in my affairs anymore, so keep your snooping nose out of them." 

"Of course I have a say in your affairs. I'm -"

"What? My brother?" Regulus laughed humourlessly. "Really, Sirius? You've spent the last couple of years pretending that you don't _have_ a brother. Trying to convince yourself that you're in no way related to the atrocious Black family." He laughed again. "It's funny actually that you think you can run from your genes when everybody can tell just by looking at you. And it's not only your appearance. Take you and Mother for example - you're _so_ much alike!"

Sirius looked like he had just popped a handful of Pepper Imps into his mouth. " _YOU LITTLE_ -" he roared and lunged himself at Regulus.

Remus reacted immediately, casting an Impediment Jinx on Sirius, knocking him off his feet.

"He didn't mean it, Padfoot. He just said that to provoke you. He knows that comparing you to -"

"No, I really meant it," said Regulus, smirking in Sirius' direction. "Where do you think he got that temper?"

"Shut up, Regulus!" Remus hissed, sending him a stern glare.

Sirius, having got back to his feet, rushed forward again, only to be stopped by another jinx.

"Sirius, for Merlin's sake, _control_ yourself! Are you trying to prove his point?"

Sirius stood there, tense as a spring, his hands opening and closing, scowling at his brother.

Remus stepped up to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Calm down, okay?" he said, quietly so Regulus wouldn't overhear him. "Don't give him the satisfaction."

"You're right." Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, concentrating on his breathing.

"Remus, can I go now?" it sounded from the other side of the room.

"NO, you can't go now!" shouted Sirius, his eyes flying open.

"I didn't ask you."

"You're not going anywhere! You're going to stay here and listen to reason!"

"You've spent the last two years ignoring me - why can't you just leave me alone now?"

"Because... I don't want you to get into trouble."

For the first time Regulus' cool facade showed signs of cracking. "Don't pretend you give a shit about me," he snarled. "You just don't want a Death Eater for a brother!"

"Damn right I don't! But even though you're an insufferable brat you're still my baby brother, and... and, believe it or not, I do actually care what happens to you."

"YOU HAVEN'T CARED ABOUT ME EVER SINCE YOU CAME TO HOGWARTS!" Regulus yelled, now having lost his composure completely.

Sirius looked a little taken aback at the strong reaction. Then he retorted, "What the hell do you mean? _You're_ the one who stopped caring about _me_! The second I was sorted into Gryffindor I was nothing to you! You were just like the rest of them. Disgusted with me for what I was. Hating me like they did!"

"That's not true! I still cared - I was stupid enough."

"Right," Sirius laughed. "You never stood up for me! You were always taking their side, picking on me, lecturing me how to behave."

"I did that for your own good! If you'd just listened, they wouldn't have given you such a hard time! But you _never_ listened to me!"

"You don't get it, Regulus! I wasn't interested in them not giving me a hard time - I was interested in doing _the right thing_!"

"The _right thing_ is to honour you parents and your family name!"

"Why? Why should I honour a family who has never given a toss about my feelings and well-being? Who are cruel and hateful and have rotten values?"

"Because that's your duty! It doesn't _matter_ how you feel or what you think is right! That's the price of being born into privilege!"

"Privilege? More like born into slavery!"

"You're an ungrateful bastard!" Regulus spat.

"Oh, like I haven't heard _that_ one a thousand times before," said Sirius, rolling his eyes.

"Maybe because it's true."

"Regulus," said Sirius, once again squeezing his eyes shut and flexing his fingers. "We aren't discussing _me_ \- we're discussing _you_."

"No we're not. We're done here," said Regulus and started for the door.

Remus briefly considered stopping Regulus, but Sirius beat him to it. 

"REGGIE, WAIT!" he shouted, almost sounding desperate.

Regulus turned around and gave Sirius a weary gaze. "What?"

"Don't do it! Don't do it just because they tell you to. This goes beyond family honour - it's _madness_! You have to stand up for yourself, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life! Reggie, you've got to listen to me!"

"Why should I listen to you? You can't be trusted! I could never count on you!"

" _WHAT_?" exclaimed Sirius incredulously. "You could always count on me! I protected you! I took so many beatings for you! I _loved_ you!"

"YOU ABANDONED ME!" screamed Regulus. He stood still for a moment, glowering furiously, as if pondering what to say. Then settled for, "I hate you."

"I _had_ to leave, Regulus! You know how hard they were on me! A person can only take so much without going crazy! I couldn't breathe! They hated me! And all the expectations - having to behave a certain way, being expected to carry on the family name, not being allowed to choose my own profession or spouse. Do you know what it's like having that kind of weight on your shoulders?"

"YES, I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!" yelled Regulus heatedly. "Who do you think inherited all your duties? 

Sirius drew in a sharp breath, a mixture of shock and shame on his face. "Reggie, I... I forgot tha- I didn't think -"

"No, you didn't think! You never think about anyone other than yourself!"

"I asked you to come with me," Sirius said quietly.

"How very grand of you!" Regulus scoffed. "You knew there was no chance that I'd ever agree to come - You knew I could never do that!"

"I _hoped_ you would!"

"What did you expect me to do? Break Mother's heart like _you_ did?"

"She doesn't _have_ a heart!"

"Don't talk about her like that! She gave us life - we owe her our respect!"

"WE DON'T OWE HER SHIT! Just because you give birth to someone doesn't give you the right to be an abusive bitch!"

"How dare you -" Regulus started, staring furiously at Sirius.

"And don't you start denying it, Reggie, 'cause I know you've also been on the receiving end - more than once."

"SHUT UP!"

"Sirius, you idiot - you aren't getting through to him like this!" Remus butted in, but Sirius either didn't hear him or chose to ignore it.

"She's an evil old hag -"

"SHUT _UP_!" Regulus screamed, even louder.

"- and Father's a cold-hearted bastard!"

For a second Regulus looked like he was going to attack his brother. Then he uttered a "Go to hell," spun on his heel, and stormed out the door.

"REGULUS!" Sirius shouted.

But the younger Black didn't stop this time.

Sirius ran to the door and yelled after him, at the top of his lungs, "FINE! Be a tool! See if I care! I hope the Aurors get you before you do any real damage!"

Cursing, he turned around and started kicking and punching the wall.

"Bloody hell, Padfoot," Remus groaned. He hadn't really thought Sirius would have any luck with his mission. In fact it had turned out pretty much the way he had expected. But still he couldn't help feeling disappointed. 

He realised that he was just standing there. Then he set off, out the door, through the trapdoor, and down the tunnel. 

"REG!" he shouted, running as fast as he could. He could just make him out at the far end of the tunnel. 

Remus knew that Regulus was faster than he was, and if he didn't have luck getting him to stop by calling out to him he wasn't going to catch him.

By the time he reached the exit he had lost sight of Regulus. He dodged the willow and stopped when he got out of its reach to get a good look around. Regulus had got away.


	30. Enough is Enough

**Chapter 30 - Enough is Enough**

"I'm just so scared, Lily," Remus said, resting his head on Lily's shoulder as she held him.

"I know, Remus, I know."

He had just told her everything that had happened and how he felt. Poured his heart out like he couldn't do with anyone else - even Sirius. Especially Sirius.

He let out a shivering breath. No. He was not going to start blubbing. Not even in front of Lily. "Tell me he's going to make the right choice," he pleaded, aware that he sounded a bit childish.

"You know I can't," she said, gently rubbing his back. "I barely know him. But I think that if _you_ aren't able to convince him then no one is."

Remus knew she was right. And it didn't help easing the sense of responsibility weighing on his shoulders.

"And you're sure it isn't because he actually _wants_ to join?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He might still be buying into some of that elitist rubbish he's been taught, but he isn't cruel. He doesn't believe in hurting people. And he isn't stupid you know. He knows that Voldemort doesn't get his results through diplomacy."

"Then why is it so difficult for him to say no, you think?"

"Well, he goes on and on about family honour and how it's his duty to obey his parents. But I think that what it all comes down to is that he's terrified they'll disown him."

"Do you think they will?"

"I don't know," Remus sighed.

"He must be very valuable to them," she said thoughtfully. "He's the last heir."

"That makes sense, but they're insane, aren't they? I don't know what to expect."

**o0o0o**

Regulus entered the Room of Requirement and stopped to take in the surroundings, then gave Remus, who had been waiting for him, a questioning gaze. The room looked different from usual. No romantic setting, no bed. Just a plain sofa and a small coffee table.

"Come sit here," said Remus, patting the spot next to him. "We need to talk."

Regulus gulped and slowly made his way across the floor. "About what?" he asked as he sat down.

"You know what."

"Can't we talk about it later?" Regulus asked, pulling nervously at his collar.

"No. You can't keep putting it off, Reg. Easter's only a couple of weeks away."

"Yeah."

"Have you found out what you're going to do?"

Instead of answering, Regulus let his fingertips tap lightly around on Remus' thigh like a spider.

"Have you?"

"No," said Regulus airily, his head cocked to the side, eyes following his finger movements.

"Well, figure it out, then!"

The younger boy shifted closer and Remus felt how the dancing spider started marching further up his thigh.

"Stop it," he said, batting the hand away. It was back in an instant, however, along with soft lips on his neck.

"Reg -" Remus started, trying half-heartedly to push him off. It wasn't easy because Regulus was quite insistent and it did feel rather good what he was doing. "N-not now…"

"Yes now," whispered Regulus in his ear.

The warm breath and the tongue tickling the shell of his ear made Remus shiver and all his restraint flew out the window. He grasped Regulus' face with both hands and kissed him hungrily.

They made love, passionately and slowly, savouring each other like it was their last time. And maybe it was.

**o0o0o**

Remus woke up an hour or two later. He quickly dressed and then sat down to contemplate the still sleeping boy on the sofa. Asleep, Regulus looked even younger than he actually was. Like an innocent child, his face smooth and peaceful, mouth slightly open in a manner that would look stupid on anyone else. But on Regulus it was just adorable.

Remus wished nothing more than to let him sleep in peace, but there was nothing for it. He had to harden himself now. It was time to bring out the big guns.

"Regulus," he called, lightly shaking him.

Regulus groaned something unintelligible and rolled into a ball, his back to Remus.

Remus shook him again, eliciting a very displeased whine.

"Reg, come on. You're not getting out of it. We're not leaving this room before we've talked it through."

Regulus finally sat up, sighing heavily. "What are we going to talk about?" he said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "I told you I haven't figured anything out yet."

"That's what we need to do something about. You have to come to a decision, Reg. Now."

Regulus started rummaging around for his discarded clothes. He took his good time getting dressed, carefully avoiding the intent gaze Remus was fixing him with to let him know that he was waiting for him to speak. Finally he sat down, resting his forehead on his palms. "I'm just so confused... I can't wrap my head around it."

"It's pretty simple. Either you join or you don't."

"It's not that easy!"

"I know it's not easy. But you still have to make a choice."

"Remus, you - don't - understand!" Regulus said, annunciating every word. "I don't _have_ a choice!"

"Don't give me that," said Remus curtly. "Of course you have a choice. And you're responsible for your own actions like any other person."

"You know I have to do what they tell me. It's my duty -"

"NO!" Remus cut him off. "I don't want to hear that speech again. I'm sick of it. I know it by heart!"

"Do you think I _want_ to be in this position? If Sirius hadn't left -"

"Don't blame this on Sirius!"

"Remus, I'm all they have left! I can't let them down!"

"Yes, you can! I know it hurts, Reg, but you've got to face the fact that they're bad parents. The worst kind there is. They're treating you like a piece of property - not a person. They don't deserve you or your loyalty and you don't owe them anything!"

Regulus opened his mouth, probably to retort, but Remus kept talking.

"Besides, this isn't just about you and your family. If you join there will be serious consequences for a lot of other people."

"What do you mean?"

"Voldemort - stop wincing every time I say his name - Voldemort causes death and agony to so many. And I fear we've only seen the beginning."

"You know, the - the deaths... I'm sure they only kill the people that are absolutely necessary," Regulus said, sounding unconvinced.

"Oh, you think so?" replied Remus, raising his eyebrows. Then an idea hit him. "Did you know that James' father is an Auror?"

Regulus shook his head.

"Well, he is. And during the Holidays he was put on a nasty case where four Muggles had been killed by Death Eaters. Slaughtered in their own house. The husband had been taken out first by a Killing Curse. He was the lucky one. The wife was found tied up to a chair, surrounded by a pool of her own blood. It seemed they had left her to bleed to death from a slowly leaking wound in her abdomen. Merlin only knows how long that took. And then there were the children..."

Regulus' eyes went wide.

"The little girl was dangling from a rope in the ceiling. Her eyes were bulging out of -"

Mr Potter hadn't actually given them that many details, but Remus figured they weren't unrealistic, and he was fairly confident it would have the desired effect. And sure enough - he didn't even get to finish the sentence before Regulus bolted for the door to the adjourning bathroom, nearly knocking over the coffee table in the process. Remus resisted the impulse to rush out and comfort him. He stayed in his seat, patiently waiting for him to finish up.

"Do you want the rest of the story?" he asked when Regulus came back, still looking sick.

"NO!"

"You don't want to know what they did to the little boy? He can't have been older than -"

"NO!" repeated Regulus, even louder. "Please... please don't... y-you know I'd never do something like that," he said, his voice shaky.

"Yeah? And what if they told you to?"

"I wouldn't be able to! They would have to give me something else to do."

"Do you really think they'd let you pick whichever task you like? And even if they did, you'd still be supporting the cause. You'd still have blood on your hands."

Regulus slumped down on the sofa. "I know. I _know_ , Remus, okay?" he said, burying his face in his hands. "I know it's wrong. I know he's a horrible, horrible man and I really, really don't want to serve him. I..." his voice was shaking slightly, "...I just can't see a way out of it..."

"Just say no."

"You don't know what kind of pressure I'm under! From everyone. My parents, my aunt and uncle, my cousins, in-laws, family friends... several of my house mates..."

"You'll have to stand up to them. You can do it, Reg. I know you have the courage, even if you don't believe it yourself."

Regulus shook his head resignedly. "No I don't. I'm not brave like you or Sirius."

Remus took a deep breath, steadying himself. Then he dropped the bomb. "You do realise that if you become a Death Eater it's over between us, don't you?" he said quietly.

Regulus' face went chalk white. He seemed paralysed for a moment, not even blinking. "N-no," he finally managed to say in little more than a whisper. "Y-you can't do that!"

"I have to, Reg. I can't... I can't be with someone who serves Voldemort. I can't support that. And I can't bear to sit by and watch you move towards your own ruin."

"But - but I'll need you more than ever! I'm not strong enough to do this on my own!"

"Stay with me, then," said Remus, grabbing Regulus' hand. "Just tell them you won't do it."

"I can't," said Regulus as tears started rolling down his face. "I can't say no. They - they'll hate me! Like they hate Sirius. I can't... I never understood how he could stand that."

"What have you got to lose? They never loved you. They've treated you horribly all your life. I don't understand how it can mean so much to you what people like that think about you. They're not worth it, Regulus."

"They're my parents! Wouldn't you be devastated if _your_ parents started hating you?"

"Yes I would. But my parents would never hate me. They love me, and when you love someone you don't just stop, no matter what that person does."

" _You_ will! You just said that if I do this you'll leave me and - you'll hate me!"

"I could never hate you! You'd break my heart, but I would still love you."

"I don't understand," sobbed Regulus. "If you love me so much, why won't you stay with me?"

"I already told you. It isn't because I don't love you. I do! You have no idea how much."

Regulus just shook his head, crying harder.

Remus felt like someone had shoved a knife into his heart. He brought his hand up to brush the damp fringe out of Regulus' tear stricken face. "I love you so much, Regulus. I'd do anything for you. Except this one thing."

"Why not? I didn't abandon you when I found out about your lycanthropy. If I can accept you as a dark creature, why can't you accept me as a Death Eater?"

"It's not the same. I didn't choose to become a werewolf. And I make sure that I never get in a position where I can hurt anybody."

"I don't have a choice either! I know you don't understand, but -"

"Stop it, Reg!" said Remus harshly. "You _do_ have a choice. You're just too scared to make the right one."

"OF COURSE I'M SCARED! I could lose everything! My whole family! I'd have no one!"

"You'd have ME! And - and you'd get new friends. Good ones who would like you for who, and not what, you are."

"I don't know what to do! I can't - I -"

"Try to calm down, Reg. You have to focus now and think it through so you can come to a decision. I'll give you twenty-four hours to make up your mind."

"How can you be so cruel? Making me love you and then abandon me?" Regulus was weeping completely uninhibited now, and Remus had to muster all his willpower to stand his ground.

"I won't if you make the right choice."

"How can you do this to me?" Regulus continued, tears gushing down his cheeks like little rivers. "You know being abandoned is my biggest fear!"

An invisible hand grabbed the knife in Remus' heart and gave a good wrench. "Say no, and I won't ever leave you. I promise."

"No matter what?"

"No matter what."

"Even if... if I... get married?"

Remus sighed. The thought of watching Regulus marrying someone else, only to be able to have a part of him, having to sneak around, not to mention thinking of the poor girl he would be an accomplice in cheating on, made his stomach churn. But if that was what it took to save Regulus from the dark then it was worth it.

"Yes. I'd hate to share you, but if that was the only way I could have you, then yes."

Regulus seemed to calm a little, but he didn't stop crying.

"Look at your odds, Regulus. You don't know if your parents are actually going to kick you out. They might not. They'll probably punish you, but you can survive that. It won't be the first time. But if you don't say no you _will_ lose me. So which is it? Do you want to lose me or risk losing your family?"

"I don't want to lose you," Regulus sniffled.

"Yeah?" said Remus hopefully. "So you'll say no then?"

"I don't know."

Remus sighed. "Okay. Well, you think about it and I'll meet you here same time tomorrow."

He left Regulus lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. The next twenty-four hours were going to be complete agony.


	31. Top of the World

**Chapter 31 – Top of the World**

_You take me right up to the top of the world  
Then you push me over the side_  
\- "Heart Full of Black," Burning Brides

Precisely twenty-four hours later Remus reached for the door handle to the Room of Requirement. He stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath, trying to steady his shaking hand.

The first thing he noticed when he stepped inside was that the room was completely empty. Not a single piece of furniture, carpeting, painting or other decoration. Regulus was standing in the middle of the too large looking room, surrounded by grey, cold walls. He looked cool and collected. The sobbing, confused boy from yesterday was gone. This was someone who had come to a decision; who had accepted their fate.

Regulus didn't have to speak. Seeing the sombre expression on his face, Remus knew what he was going to say. Of course he did. 

Still, he had to ask. "S-so… Have you…"

"I'm sorry, Remus."

Remus stared at him in shock. Of course he had dreaded that this would happen, but in his heart he had truly believed that Regulus would come through. 

"I know you don't understand, but I have to do what's required of me. It's my responsibility to serve my family. My parents know what's best and it's not my place to question them."

"Regulus, you can't be serious! You don't really believe that! We've been through all this! You know it's wrong! You were going to -"

Regulus stopped him with a hand gesture. "Remus, don't. There is nothing more to discuss. You asked me to make a choice and I have."

Remus felt desperation grip him. "Regulus, you can't - you can't do this!"

"I have to let you go," Regulus said in a toneless voice.

"But you love me!" Remus said, his voice shaking. "Don't you?"

"Love is a luxury. It's nice if you have it, but there are more important things that come first. Responsibility, for instance. My personal happiness – it's not important, Remus. Not in the big picture."

"What about _my_ happiness?"

"I can't help you with that."

"How can you say that?" cried Remus. "How can you be so cold?"

"You'll be fine. You'd never be happy with me anyway."

Remus realised, to his dismay, that for the first time since they had become close he couldn't read Regulus. He desperately searched his eyes for anything to indicate what he was thinking or feeling, but found nothing. Regulus' eyes were dull and distant. Remus had been shut out.

Before Regulus had time to react, Remus stepped up to him and pressed their lips together in a desperate kiss. There was the briefest moment of hesitation on Regulus' part, and Remus thought that maybe he had a chance. But then Regulus turned his face away and pushed him back by the shoulders.

"Stop it," he said firmly. "I know you want to, but you can't save the whole world."

"I just want to save you."

"I don't need saving. I'll be fine."

"You're throwing your life away! You're throwing _me_ away!" Remus said, feeling tears starting to roll down his cheeks.

"Goodbye," said Regulus quietly as he started walking towards the door.

Remus panicked. He lunged at Regulus, grabbing hold of his arm with both hands. "NO, Reg! You can't go! Don't do this!"

"Don't make this harder than it has to be," said Regulus, trying to pull free of Remus. But Remus dug his fingers into his arm as hard as he could, holding on for dear life. It must have hurt, but Regulus didn't let on.

"Reg, _please_! Change your mind! Please - please stay with me!"

"I didn't make the rules, Remus," said Regulus, meeting his eyes for just a second. 

"Please," Remus whispered.

Regulus had to pry Remus' fingers from his arm to get free of him.

Watching him walk out Remus slumped to the floor in a sobbing mess. He had no idea that pain like this existed. It was worse than any physical pain he had ever experienced. He would rather go through ten transformations than having to endure this. Physical pain he was used to and knew how to handle. But this… He suddenly understood why people talked about a heart breaking. That was exactly how it felt. Like invisible claws were tearing and clawing at his chest from the inside.

**o0o0o**

He had no idea how much time had passed. He must have fallen asleep from exhaustion at some point. He slowly sat up, shivering with cold and stiff from lying on the hard stone floor. His head weighed a ton. He felt woozy and had trouble gathering his thoughts. When he remembered all that had happened, he broke down again.

When he finally seemed to have run out of tears he picked himself up from the floor and started the slow walk back to his House. Not that he particularly felt like going there, but he didn't feel like going or being anywhere so he might as well. He kept his head down the entire way to hide his red and puffy eyes.

Unfortunately the dormitory wasn't empty; Peter was sitting on the floor, organizing his Chocolate Frog cards. Remus tried to avoid him by looking away, mumbling a quick "hi, 'm going to bed," diving for his four-poster and pulling the curtain.

Not ten seconds later he heard the sound of heavy fabric being pushed aside. Then a tentative "M-Moony?"

Remus buried his face in his pillow and ignored his friend.

"Moony, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Remus mumbled into the pillow.

"You – you've been crying."

"No I haven't! Go away." 

Remus felt fresh tears stinging his eyes and hated himself for it.

"What happened?" asked Peter, who was being annoyingly stubborn. Couldn't he take a hint?

"Nothing happened!" Remus sobbed, hoping the pillow would muffle his voice enough so that Peter wouldn't notice.

"Moony, you're crying again."

"SO WHAT?" yelled Remus, lifting his head for a second to shoot a glare at Peter. "I want to be alone - bugger off!"

There was a moment of silence and Remus was beginning to think that Peter might have finally got the message.

"Do you want me to get Padfoot?"

Evidently he hadn't. 

"NO! I don't want you to get _any_ body!"

"I'm getting Padfoot."

Remus groaned into his pillow while listening to Peter's hastily retreating footsteps.

A little while later he heard trampling feet coming up the staircase.

And then Sirius was there, sitting next to him, a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Remus…"

"Go away."

"What happened?"

"What do you _think_ happened?" Remus snapped.

Sirius was quiet for a long moment. Then he said softly, "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not!" Remus yelled. "You hated it from the beginning! You're probably happy he's out of the way so you don't have to deal with him anymore!" A small voice inside his head whispered something about being unfair, but he didn't care right now.

Sirius just said, still in a soft voice. "I'm really not happy, Remus. And I hate seeing you upset."

"Go away," said Remus, trying to shake Sirius' hand off his shoulder.

"I just want to…"

"Why can't you people get into your heads that I just want to be left alone?" Remus shouted, lifting his head from his pillow. "GO – _AWAY_!" he added and shoved Sirius in the chest sending him tumbling off the bed with a surprised squeak. Then he yanked the curtain shut.

He could hear hushed voices from outside the curtain, one of them belonging to James, who had obviously also arrived. They were probably discussing what to do with him. 

Remus stuck his head under the pillow and pressed it down hard, blocking the outside world out.


	32. Planning and Struggling

**Chapter 32 – Planning and Struggling**

A week had gone by and time had done nothing to soothe Remus' pain. He had calmed down and hadn't cried since the first day, but that wasn't because it hurt any less. It was just that the shock had worn off.

He tried to chase the worries and thoughts away by studying obsessively. If they were asked to read a chapter, he would read the whole book. If they were asked to write a three-foot essay he would write ten feet. At night he would study until he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer. He would struggle to stave off sleep, because with sleep came the nightmares. Regulus on his knees, begging him not to abandon him, Regulus screaming and writhing under a Cruciatus curse, Regulus being hauled off in chains, Regulus lying dead on the floor, eyes open and glassy.

His friends were walking on eggshells around him. They seemed to have reluctantly accepted that he didn't want to be cuddled and comforted. He also refused to talk about it. If one of the others started addressing the issue, he would simply get up and leave the room. Remus knew it was difficult for them – especially Sirius, who he frequently noticed catching himself about to touch him, and Remus could see just how much Sirius was itching to hug him.

Remus had not seen Regulus since the breakup - which was probably for the best. He didn't think he would be able to keep it together if he had to watch him from afar. Regulus' seat at the Slytherin table was empty at every meal. Remus had dropped Care of Magical Creatures and had been excused from prefect duties for the time being. Even though Lily had informed him that Regulus had resigned from his position, Remus was in no condition to carry out the work. 

He had to fight with himself every day because a part of him desperately wanted to forget about his ultimatum and take Regulus back. It could be done, the unrealistic part argued. Remus would, of course, still join the Order of the Phoenix, so it wouldn't be like he was supporting the Death Eaters. Just the one. They could keep their relationship a secret, like they had before. He could protect Regulus that way. Keep an eye on him. Help him if he got in trouble. And they would have each other. Wasn't that all that mattered? Remus' realistic and stronger part said that it was not. 

Maybe he could become a spy for the Order, bring Voldemort down from within, he thought. But of course he knew that he was being absurd. It wouldn't do Regulus any good anyway. In fact it would probably put him even more at risk. He would be done for if anyone found out that he was fraternising with the enemy.

**o0o0o**

"You all know why I have summoned you here, I take it?"

Professor Dumbledore let his gaze sweep over the six students assembled before him; the four Marauders, Lily, and her close friend, Marlene McKinnon.

They all nodded.

"Well," Said Dumbledore, smiling benevolently. "Since you will all soon be graduating, it is about time for further discussion about your planned involvement in the resistance against Voldemort."

"We can't wait to get out there and fight!" James blurted out.

Sirius eagerly voiced his agreement.

"Before I go any further, I need to ask you all if you are still absolutely sure this is something you want to do."

All six said they were. 

"Good." Dumbledore sent them another smile, but at the same time he looked very grave. "I must warn you that this is not an exciting adventure. This is a war, and there is absolutely nothing glamorous about wars."

Dumbledore went on to explain about the Order. Remus really only heard half of what was said. Of course he still wanted to join and do everything he could in the fight against Voldemort. There was no doubt about that. It was just that right now he really didn't want to think about the war. He wanted to forget it existed. Just for a little while.

"I must point out that it will be very, very dangerous. It is likely that one or more in this room will not be alive in a couple of years."

The students cast uneasy glances at each other. Peter gulped and shifted on his chair.

"We are willing to take that risk," said Lily, taking James' hand and looking determined.

"I have no doubt that you all have the courage it takes, but if any of you should wish to back out, I will be most understanding," Dumbledore continued. "You may find yourselves in situations where not only your own survival is in your hands, but that of your friends as well. You may be forced to do extreme things. Maybe even take someone's life." 

"But… we're not like them! We don't aim to kill, do we?" asked McKinnon in surprise.

"Ideally, no. But you might come in a situation where it's you or them. Remus – are you feeling all right?" asked Dumbledore, eyebrows furrowed in a worried expression. "You look very pale."

"Y-yeah, I'm fine," Remus said hurriedly. "Just… tired, you know."

The old wizard nodded slowly.

"You may come face to face with old school mates. Acquaintances. Even family," said Dumbledore and looked solemnly at Sirius.

Sirius stiffened for a moment. Then he set his jaw and nodded resolutely. "I'm prepared for that," he said. "It won't be a problem. They don't care about me, so I don't care about them."

Remus knew that he couldn't hold it together much longer. If he stayed, he would either throw up or start bawling.

"Excuse me… I'm not feeling well…" he said as he pushed back his chair and staggered to the door.  

"Moony!" James called after him.

**o0o0o**

Remus ran all the way back to the Gryffindor Tower. When he reached the dorm and threw himself on the bed, his resolve broke and a week's pent up misery started pouring out as he sobbed and screamed obscenities into his pillow. 

He felt the bed dip next to him as someone sat down. He didn't need to ask who it was. Sirius. It was always Sirius. 

"Moony…" he said as he started rubbing his back soothingly.

"Leave me alone," Remus sobbed.

"No. Not this time."

"I don't want you here! I don't need your pity."

"It's killing me to see you like this, and you won't let me comfort you."

Remus was about to say something nasty, but hearing the anguish in Sirius' voice he just couldn't. He half-heartedly resisted when Sirius pulled him onto his lap. He honestly didn't have the energy to fight it anymore.

"Don't keep pushing me away."

And Remus gave in. He wrapped his arms around Sirius' waist and buried his face in his shirt.

"It'll get better, Moony," Sirius cooed, stoking his hair. "I know it hurts now, but it'll get better."

"No, it won't. I - I failed him," Remus hiccupped.

"No, you didn't. You did everything you could. A lot more than he deserves."

"I could have saved him. I should've…"

"You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved." Sirius sighed. "I can't believe you're feeling guilty about this. You're one who was hurt here."

"You've no idea how much pain he's in."

"I don't c-" Sirius started, but cut himself off. "I told you he'd break your heart," he said instead.

"What do you want – a medal?" 

"Sorry - I didn't mean it like that. I just wish you'd listened to me."

Remus didn't answer. He just wept and let Sirius stroke his hair.

"You've got to let him go, Moony. Stop blaming yourself," whispered Sirius and pulled Remus closer. 

"I know," Remus sniffed. "It's just so hard …"

"I know it is. But it'll get better, I promise. We're all here for you."

Remus dug his face harder into Sirius' shirt and inhaled deeply. It smelled nice and familiar, and he felt himself calm down a little. He tried to suppress all thoughts and just focus on Sirius' soothing voice, the gentle hands on his head and back, his warm scent. It felt really good.

Without thinking, Remus slid his head up Sirius' chest, his nose still pressed into the shirt. He felt Sirius stiffen when he reached his neck and nuzzled into it.

"Remus…"

He moved further up, almost reaching Sirius' mouth when Sirius turned his face to the side.

"Remus … I don't think that's a good idea."

"Yes it is," murmured Remus, trying to capture Sirius' lips again.

Sirius turned his face to the other side. "I… no. We shouldn't."

"Why not? I know you want me."

"Yes, but… you're not yourself."

"Please," Remus begged, "don't turn me away. I need you."

Sirius looked at him, swallowing hard, and when Remus went in to kiss him for the third time he didn't dodge it. 

They tipped over to the side and Sirius pulled Remus in close so they were flush against each other. Remus' eyes drifted shut as he relished the warm and soft lips that were eagerly kissing him back; and tangling his fingers in soft black locks, that were only a little too long, he felt the heaviness, that had been weighing down his chest, lighten.


	33. Nightmares and Surprises

**Chapter 33 – Nightmares and Surprises**

Sirius was on cloud nine. He had finally got what he had wanted so desperately and for so long. How many times had he wished he could just wrap his arms around Remus, pull him close, and snog the life out of him? And now he _could_ , whenever he wanted. Remus was everything he’d dreamed of and more. His kisses were so sweet and urgent they made Sirius dizzy.

They hadn’t gone further than cuddling and kissing. Remus said he wasn’t ready yet and Sirius respected that. He told Remus not to feel pressured, that he was prepared to wait as long as it took. It was okay. Right now, it was more than enough for Sirius to hold Remus close; slip eager hands under a threadbare jumper and caress the warm skin beneath; bury his nose in Remus’ neck inhaling his scent; and kiss him deeply, tasting every inch of his mouth. Sirius would drink it all in and be sated.

He knew that Remus was still heartbroken. He wasn’t stupid. But it would get better – Sirius would help him get over it quickly. He could offer Remus a lot more than Regulus could anyway, he’d always known that. And Remus would realise it soon as well, if he hadn’t already.

Yes, it would take a little time for Remus to adjust to being with him instead of Regulus. A change of routine. For instance he had an annoying habit of constantly brushing his hand over Sirius’ forehead, as if smoothing away his fringe. It was just that Sirius’ fringe was so long that it fell nicely on either side on his face; it didn’t fall into his eyes. He didn’t think Remus realised what he was doing, so Sirius pretended not to notice. It was just a stupid habit anyway. It didn’t mean anything.

Easter Monday – the day set for Regulus to take the mark – was horrible. They spent most of the day and all night in bed with the curtains drawn, Sirius trying to comfort an inconsolable Remus. He had clung to Sirius, shaking and moaning, showing no sign of registering Sirius’ murmured words of solace or the hands rubbing his back and stroking his hair.

Sirius hadn’t known it was possible to cry that much in just one day. It was especially unnerving because he had rarely seen Remus cry. When they had confronted him with the fact that they had figured out he was a werewolf, he had cried. He had been so scared they would turn their back on him. And when they had told him they were training to become Animagi he had cried, this time from happiness. Sirius couldn’t remember any other episodes – except for the last couple of weeks where he had cried so much over that stupid idiot. Sirius would never forgive him for causing Remus all this pain.

Sirius had shed a few tears as well, mostly because it hurt seeing Remus this distressed, but also just a bit for the little boy he had once known and loved, now gone for good.

That night, after Remus had finally worn himself out and dozed off, Sirius was suddenly torn from his sleep by a bloodcurdling scream. Remus was thrashing wildly in the bed, drenched in sweat and getting tangled up in the sheets. Sirius had to shake him hard to wake him, and even then Remus didn’t stop crying and shaking violently. 

It was so bad that James had slipped through the curtains and asked if there was anything he could do. Sirius had hugged Remus close to his chest and said he had it sorted. He was, after all, used to handling Remus after nightmares by now. He was having them almost every night, although this was the worst one yet. Like all the other times, Remus refused to talk about it, so all Sirius could do was console and calm him.

**o0o0o**

“Okay, Prongs,” Sirius said, letting the lid of his trunk slam shut. “What’s with the disapproving glances?”

“What glances?”

“The ones you keep sending me and Remus.”

“I don’t,” James muttered.

“Come on, mate – I’m not blind.”

James ignored Sirius, concentrating on trimming the tail of his broom.

“You think I’m taking advantage of Moony, don’t you?” Sirius said after a minute’s silence.

It wasn’t like the thought that he might be exploiting Remus’ vulnerability hadn’t occurred to Sirius. Of course it had, and of course he was feeling a bit guilty about it. But Remus had started it. He needed Sirius and Sirius was there for him. Was that a crime?

James sighed and put down the scissors. “I think you’re taking advantage of each other.”

“How is Moony taking advantage of me?” asked Sirius, surprised.

“Isn’t that obvious?” James said, eyebrows raised.

“No, please enlighten me.”

“Honestly, Sirius, I thought you just said you weren’t blind. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?”

“Yes, Potter, I do that on a daily basis. What’s your point?”

James looked intently at Sirius, then shook his head. “Fine. Live in denial if that’s what you want. It’s none of my business anyway.”

**o0o0o**

Regulus stood in front of the entrance to the Gryffindor common room, taking a deep breath to steady his nerves. What did you do to get the attention of someone in there when you didn’t know the password – knock on the painting? No, that was an idiotic idea.

“Hello, Luv – far from home, aren’t you?” the rather obese lady on the canvas chirped, smiling and winking at him.

“Um… yeah,” answered Regulus, a little perplexed. “I need to speak to someone in there.”

The lady sighed. “Sorry, Luv. Can’t let you in without the password. You will have to wait until someone comes along.”

“Okay,” Regulus mumbled and leaned back against the wall, arming himself with patience.

He didn’t have to wait long, though, before a small chubby kid came around the corner. Regulus pushed himself off the wall and stepped towards the younger student.

“Could you go in there and get someone for me? I need to speak with my brother. Sirius.”

The boy looked him up and down with an inquisitive gaze. “You’re Regulus Black,” he concluded.

“Thank you for that information,” Regulus said, his voice laced with sarcasm. “I have a distressing habit of forgetting who I am. Now, go get him.”

Waiting, Regulus readied himself to meet Sirius with a calm façade. Sirius, who was now Remus’ boyfriend. 

He had been devastated, of course, when he heard it. It had been the one thing keeping his spirits up, coming back exhausted and broken: the hope that Remus would still be there, eager to take him back. 

His first reaction, once the shock had settled, was to get angry. How could Remus do this to him? Didn’t he realise how much going out with his brother would hurt him? Or _did_ he realise, and this was some kind of revenge? In his heart, of course, Regulus knew that Remus would never do something like that. Sweet, kind Remus who didn’t have a malicious bone in his body. He would never knowingly hurt anyone – not even those who deserved it. And the more Regulus thought about it, the more he realised that he probably did deserve it. It was he who had broken Remus’ heart; he who had rejected him. 

His thoughts were abruptly cut short when his brother emerged from behind the portrait, grabbed him hard by the upper arm, and dragged him off to the side.

“Let GO!” Regulus yelled, trying to dig in his heels. 

“Come here – I don’t want to be seen with you!” 

Sirius dragged Regulus along until they reached an alcove. He let go and gave Regulus a harsh push further into it. 

“What do you want?” he growled through clenched teeth.

Regulus returned the glare, rubbing his arm where Sirius’ fingers had dug themselves into his skin. “You utter prick!” he snarled. “Do you think I’d look you up if it wasn’t important? It’s not like I enjoy your company!”

“Well, what is it?”

“It’s about Remus.”

Sirius’ eyes narrowed dangerously. “You stay away from him! You’ve done enough damage.”

“I asked for you, not him, didn’t I?”

Sirius crossed his arms and looked at Regulus impatiently, his face still twisted in loathing.

“I… um…” Regulus swallowed. Suddenly it was difficult to speak. “I didn’t do it.”

“Do what?”

“I didn’t take the mark.”

Sirius’ expression didn’t change. It had frozen on his face. Regulus was starting to think that he wasn’t going to get a reaction at all, when Sirius’ hostile look disappeared. His jaw went slack and his eyes wide in disbelief.

“Y-you didn’t take it?” he said, looking stupid.

“Are you deaf?”

“So… you’re not going to join?”

“Obviously not.”

“But that’s – Reggie, that’s fantastic!” Sirius exclaimed and stepped towards Regulus, his arms stretched out. 

To his dismay, Regulus realised that he was about to be embraced by his brother. He backed away, giving Sirius the coldest gaze he could muster.

“Spare me the fake enthusiasm,” he spat.

Sirius stopped in his tracks, his face a strange mix of emotions Regulus couldn’t quite make out.

“Why did you - what happened? How did Mum and Dad react?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“But –”

“My affairs no longer concern you,” Regulus snapped. “I’ve told you before. But of course you don’t give a toss - you don’t respect anybody’s wishes unless they match your own.”

Sirius’ expression again turned into one of anger. Good. Regulus much preferred that to the falseness.

“About Remus –” Regulus started.

“What about him? Do you assume you can just waltz in and take him back? After what you did to him?”

“I don’t assume anything.” Regulus felt his heart beat faster and harder. God, was he nervous. He almost didn’t dare ask the question he had come to ask.

“I heard you and Remus have hooked up…” 

“You heard right.”

“So – how is he?”

“Fine. He’s been devastated, but I’ve been there for him. Helped him get over you. He’s doing a lot better now. We’re really good together, you know.”

Regulus felt like a bucket of ice-cold water had been thrown in his face. But he couldn’t let Sirius see how he felt so he kept a straight face. He nodded slowly. “Oh, okay. Just wanted to check.”

They stood there a moment, silently watching each other. He should be going. There was nothing more to be said here.

“And you’re… you’re sure he’s over me?” Regulus asked, a tiny piece of hope still clinging on to him. He caught Sirius’ gaze and held it.

“Yes, he’s over you,” Sirius said after a couple of seconds. 

Regulus couldn’t tell if he was lying. But why would he? If Remus wasn’t over him, why would he be with Sirius? It hurt tremendously thinking about how easily he had been replaced. From what he had heard, it had happened only a week after the breakup. A week. Regulus couldn’t imagine himself wanting to be with anybody other than Remus. He couldn’t imagine ever loving someone else. In fact, he was certain he never would. Regulus loved Remus completely; it would seem that Remus hadn’t felt the same way. And with that realisation he felt something inside him curl up and die.

“Regulus?”

“What?”

“Do you want me to tell him?”

“Tell him what?”

“That you didn’t take the mark, of course.”

“No. I don’t want him to know.”

“Why?”

“There’s no reason to reopen the wound. If he’s moving on and getting better I don’t want to bother him.”

Sirius looked at him sceptically.

“I just wanted to check that he’s alright,” continued Regulus. “Promise me you won’t tell him.”

“Alright,” Sirius nodded. “I promise.”

“Well then. I better -”

“Regulus - are you… are you in trouble? Because of what you did?” Sirius suddenly asked. 

He looked genuinely worried, but Regulus knew better.

“I told you it’s none of your business!” he said heatedly and glowered at his brother for ten whole seconds, daring him to ask again. Then he said, “We’re done here,” and turned to walk away.

“Reggie…”

Regulus heard Sirius step up behind him and felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around, indignantly shaking the hand off.

“Don’t touch me!”

“Do you need help? I could -”

“I don’t need anything from you! Not now, not ever! I want you to stay away from me. Just pretend I don’t exist – I know you’re really good at that.”

And with that he spun on his heal and marched off, eager to get away from prying eyes, to somewhere he could fall apart in peace.


	34. Alone

**Chapter 34 – Alone**

Regulus sat on the lakeshore, gazing out over the water. It was his favourite place these days, away from people and suffocating walls closing in around him. He couldn’t stand being around other people anymore and he only did it when he absolutely had to. During lessons he would sit at the very back, trying to blend in with the walls. He ate in the kitchens but even the house-elves got on his nerves. They were constantly fussing over him, shoving food at him, pestering him to eat more, and asking him a million questions about why he was so sad. But mostly it bothered him because they reminded him of Kreacher.

He didn’t want to think about all the things that hurt. He wanted his mind to stay blank and numb, but it was difficult. Sitting there by the quiet lake in the cool evening air, he couldn’t stop his mind from drifting back to the horrible day six weeks ago.

**o0o0o**

Bellatrix had come to Grimmauld Place to accompany him to Malfoy Manor where the initiation was to take place. He had felt like a convict being escorted to prison.

They stopped outside the gates where she told him to wait. She would go in and announce their arrival and he was instructed to come to the main entrance ten minutes later. She stepped close, violating his personal space, and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at her.

“Little cousin Reggie,” she cooed, flashing him her cruel smile. “About to become a man.”

Regulus had never felt less like a man. He felt like a terrified little boy.

As the minutes passed, his heart drummed faster and harder against his ribcage. The pounding pulse in his ears made him dizzy and he was trembling like a leaf. He didn’t think he had ever been this scared in his whole life. 

Thoughts and images were rushing through his mind. Horrible images of innocent people suffering at the hands of Death Eaters. At _his_ hands. He remembered how Remus had begged and how crushed he had been when Regulus had turned him down. What kind of monster was he? He was going to do this - support someone who spread more evil the more powerful they got - just because he was scared. Scared of what would happen to him if he refused. Scared of disappointing his family. Scared they would turn their backs on him.

He felt his legs buckle and he dropped to his knees, letting out a gasp. And just like that he knew he couldn’t go through with it. It was true what Remus said, that everyone was responsible for their own actions. It was time to finally take on that responsibility.

At first, once the decision had been made, a curious inner peace, a sense of relief, settled over Regulus. But then the gravity of the situation struck and he panicked. He had to get out of there. He couldn’t stand around waiting for his cousin to come looking for him.

So he fled. He didn’t know where else to go than home. Maybe his parents would understand; maybe they would protect him. He would need it. One did not just accept an invitation from the Dark Lord and then stand him up on the night of the party.

**o0o0o**

Regulus hadn’t heard his mother scream that loudly since the night Sirius left, and he had never seen such a shocked expression on his father’s face. They had ordered him to go back immediately and make up an excuse for being late, but Regulus refused. Mrs. Black’s rage had reached new levels and she had cast the Cruciatus Curse on him until he passed out.

**o0o0o**

Regulus slowly came to, feeling a damp cloth being dabbed gently against his forehead.

“Kreacher?” he croaked, his throat hoarse and sore from screaming.

“Master Regulus!”

Regulus blinked and looked up into the house-elf’s huge wet eyes. A tear fell and landed on Regulus’ cheek. Kreacher quickly wiped it away with the cloth.

“Master Regulus,” the elf repeated, his lower lip quivering. “Don’t worry – Kreacher will make it better.”

Regulus, turning his head slightly, realised he was lying in his bed. Every fibre in his body was aching and cramped up.

“Master Regulus must drink this,” said Kreacher, holding out a small goblet containing a bright orange fluid. He put his other hand at the back of Regulus’ neck and helped him raise his head so he could drink the potion.

Regulus let his head sink back into the pillow and sighed with relief as he felt his muscles starting to loosen and the pain diminish. 

Kreacher sat on the edge of the bed, fondly stroking Regulus’ forehead and hair. “Why must he disobey Mistress? He knows how angry she becomes.” 

“I couldn’t do what she wanted me to,” Regulus whispered, trying to spare his voice.

“Kreacher doesn’t understand,” said the elf, sounding utterly miserable.

“She wants me to do something very bad. Evil. And I won’t.”

“But Mistress is very wise. She always knows best,” sniffed Kreacher, “and Master Regulus must do what she says so that he does not get hurt.”

Regulus was about to say something when he heard agitated voices downstairs. One belonged to his mother and another – his heart nearly jumped into his throat – to Bellatrix.

A deep voice came booming up the stairs, “REGULUS!”

Regulus felt his blood turn to ice. What was he going to do? He couldn’t go down there! Save for the Dark Lord himself, there was no one in the world that terrified him more than Bellatrix Lestrange. And he could only imagine just how enraged she was right now.

Kreacher, no doubt sensing his fear, was clutching Regulus’ sleeve, whimpering in sympathy.

Mr. Black called several times more but Regulus stayed where he was. He didn’t know what to do, but he was not about to offer himself up freely. Then there was the sound of heavy footsteps on the stairs.  
Kreacher and Regulus glanced anxiously at each other. The door was torn open and in stepped a fuming Mr. Black.

“What has gotten into you – insolent child! When you are called upon you turn up immediately! You’ve got a visitor.”

Shaking nervously, Kreacher stepped in front of Regulus. 

“M-Master Regulus is not well enough yet. He needs to stay in bed.”

A wave of gratefulness and affection for the little elf swept through Regulus.

“Stay out of this, Kreacher.”

“B-but he is hurt…”

“Go to the kitchen. NOW!”

Kreacher turned and sent Regulus a distressed look before disappearing with a pop.

Mr. Black strode over to his son, grabbed him by the collar and dragged him out of bed.

“No!” Regulus pled desperately, “No! Father, please! Please don’t let her -”

“You will face the consequences of your actions. You owe her an explanation. Now, come here!”

Regulus was hauled down the stairs so violently that if not for his father’s solid grip on his collar he would have fallen several times. He was let go and shoved forcefully into the drawing room where his cousin was waiting for him.

“YOU!” Bellatrix’s shrill voice sounded. 

In a split second she was standing right in front of him, her face twisted in fury and her eyes ablaze. Regulus forced himself not to back away from her. It would only serve to anger her further. 

“YOU!” she shrieked again. “What did you think you were doing?”

Regulus tried to swallow. His throat felt constricted, and, even if he had known what to say, he didn’t think he would have been able to form the words.

“SPEAK, boy!” she yelled and backhanded him across the face, sending him stumbling backwards.

She waited a few seconds and when he still couldn’t find words she hit him again.

“SPEAK!”

“I-I -” Regulus managed, pressing a hand to his already swelling cheek.

Bellatrix raised her hand again, holding it there for a moment as a promise of what she would do if he didn’t start talking.

What was he going to say? If he told her the true reason - what he really thought of Voldemort - she would probably kill him. “I - I don’t like violence,” he squeaked.

“I don’t like violence,” Bellatrix repeated mockingly. “What kind of explanation is that?”

“I c-can’t hurt anybody. I don’t have the s-stomach for it.”

“So you’re a coward - running away with your tail between your legs?” She stepped forwards, her face inches from Regulus’. “Do you know what we do to deserters?”

Regulus felt panic grip him. “I’m not a deserter! I‘m not! I didn’t join! That’s why I didn’t join! I knew I couldn’t -”

“SHUT UP!” Bellatrix shrieked and delivered another blow so forceful that Regulus toppled over into the chiffonier.

“Mind the furniture, Bella,” sounded Mrs. Black’s cold voice.

Bellatrix yanked Regulus up by the hair and dragged him back to the middle of the room. 

“Have you learned NOTHING? All the hours we have wasted on you, educating you, teaching you the right ways!” She let go of his hair and backhanded him again.

Regulus felt his lip burst open and blood leak into his mouth. He watched in horror as his cousin pulled out her wand.

“No!” he gasped, feeling fear tighten around his chest like a vice. “Please! Please don’t –”

“You made me lose face in front of everybody! In front of the Dark Lord!” she screamed. “CRUCIO!”

Regulus collapsed as white-hot pain ripped through his already abused body. It was even worse, more  
intense, more agonising than when his mother had done it to him earlier. Regulus later wondered whether it was because Bellatrix had more practice or simply took more pleasure in hurting him.

After what seemed like hours, but was probably less than a minute, the pain stopped and left Regulus lying panting and trembling on the floor.

“You ungrateful brat! You had everything served on a silver platter, and you cast it aside like that traitorous brother of yours.” Bellatrix was glaring at him, her wand clutched tightly in her hand. “Is he the one who has been putting ideas into your head? Have you –”

“No,” wheezed Regulus. “We don’t speak… he has nothing to –”

“Don’t lie to me!”

She raised her wand again and Regulus squeezed his eyes shut. He wasn’t going to be able to take more. Something inside him would break, he was sure of it. He would die and that would be the end of it. He waited with dread for the curse to be cast.

“That will do, Bella.”

Regulus opened his eyes and saw that his father had stepped in between him and Bellatrix.

_“What?”_

“I said, that will do. You’ve had your pound of flesh. Now put away your wand.”

“But he… after what he did to me!” Bellatrix said, gesturing wildly towards Regulus on the floor. “He deserves –”

“Regulus has already been punished. It was taken care of before you came.”

Bellatrix was positively fuming. “Surely it is not your opinion that he be let off this easily! I have the right to –”

“You don’t have the right to anything. He is our son – not yours.”

“He made a fool of me! What am I going to tell the Dark Lord?”

“You can tell him that the family still supports his noble cause, but that our son is too weak and cowardly to join his inner circle. And tell him that he can expect a very large donation and our sincerest apologies for wasting his time.”

“So you’re just going to buy him out?”

“He’s my son.”

“He’s a spoiled brat! And a traitor!”

“I will not discuss this any further! Now, please leave the premises.”

“Orion!” Mrs. Black scolded.

“I have a say in this house too, Walburga,” Mr. Black said sternly as he ushered his protesting niece out of the room.

The door fell shut behind them, and Regulus could hear the argument continue into the hall. The angry voices were getting gradually louder, but Regulus’ head was swimming and he could only make out fragments of what was said. He wished that Kreacher was here to soothe him, but he dared not summon him. He had been ordered to the kitchen and would likely be in trouble if he left without permission.

It hurt resting his head on his raw cheek but he didn’t have the energy to reposition himself. He thought about how his mother would throw a fit when she noticed the blood that had seeped from his mouth into her expensive Persian rug. Maybe Kreacher could get it off. Regulus closed his eyes and slipped into a half-doze.

**o0o0o**

He couldn’t tell how much time had passed when he was jerked out of his drowse by the sound of someone entering the room. He opened his heavy lids and saw his parents standing over him.

His eyes settled on his father. “Is she… gone?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you,” Regulus breathed, feeling some of his fear evaporate.

“Don’t think I saved your skin because you deserve it.”

“Get up,” Mrs. Black ordered.

Regulus pushed himself up into a sitting position. Nausea immediately hit. His legs were limp and he doubted he would be able to stand right now. Fortunately his mother didn’t seem to mind that he didn’t get all the way up.

“Your father and I have discussed the current situation. I hope you realise you have disappointed us greatly,” she said. Having vented her rage earlier, she was now able to keep her cool. “You have let us down. Dishonoured the family.”

Regulus hung his head. “I’m sorry. It’s wasn’t my intent.”

“I don’t want to hear your excuses. Disownment would be a just consequence, but we have decided to give you a chance to salvage some of what you’ve destroyed. But there will be no more leniency. You will marry as soon as we can make arrangements.”

“No.”

“What?” exclaimed both parents.

“I can’t. I already love someone.”

“You’re in no position to make demands, young man!” scolded Mrs. Black. “You will do as you’re told!”

“You know how imperative it is that your wife is of superior breeding. I’m sure this girl of yours –”

“It’s not a girl.” The words were out of Regulus’ mouth before he could even think.

His father looked at him in surprise. “Not a girl? Where did you meet a grown woman?”

“It’s not a woman. He’s… a boy.”

The room went dead silent. Regulus stared at the floor; he dared not look up and meet his parent’s eyes.

Then a strange voice Regulus barely recognised said, “My son is… a queer? Is that what you’re saying?”

Regulus looked up to see his mother’s ashen face. He gulped. “Y-yes.” It scared him to see and hear her like this, more than when she was furious and screaming. 

She slumped down on a chair, staring at him, pain and shock painted on her face.

“I’m… Mother, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But I can’t help it. It’s just who I am.”

When she didn’t say anything else, Regulus turned his head and looked at his father.

“Get out of my house,” said Mr. Black in a voice so cold and full of revulsion that a chill ran down Regulus’ back.

“Out? I – No! You can’t kick me out! Please, Father, please don’t!” Regulus begged, clutching his father’s trouser legs. “I’ll be good! I’ve always been good, haven’t I?” 

“Go and pack your things. If you’re not out in fifteen minutes I’ll let Bella have you.”

**o0o0o**

Later, Regulus only had a vague recollection of how he had managed to make his way through Muggle London to the Leaky Cauldron. He had always made the trip either by Floo or Side-Along and he had never been allowed to walk around in the city on his own, so it was all rather overwhelming. He remembered dragging himself into the pub, dizzy and exhausted, and then all had gone black.

He woke up finding himself in bed in a room with decorative wood carvings on the ceiling. Morning light was shining in through the window. He let his eyes wander around the room and started when they reached a man sitting at the foot of his bed. It took a few seconds for him to realise that it was Professor Dumbledore.

The old wizard sent him a kind smile. “Good morning, Regulus.”

“P-professor? Where… am I at Hogwarts?”

“No, we are at the Leaky Cauldron. The innkeeper was thoughtful enough to send word to Hogwarts and I thought it best that I attended to this matter myself.”

Dumbledore got up from his chair and walked to a small table where he picked up a phial, uncorked it, and handed it to Regulus. 

“The healer left this for me to give you when you woke up.”

Regulus stared at the phial and gulped, recognising the contents of it. It was the elixir specifically made for patients who had been subjected to the Cruciatus Curse; the same elixir Kreacher had given him yesterday. How did they know he had been Cruciated? Could they tell just by looking at him – or had Dumbledore simply guessed it? Regulus became scared. If they knew someone had used an Unforgivable on him they would want to know who, and if they managed to get the truth out of him, his family might be in trouble.  
So he pretended not to know the potion and drank it without commenting, and to his relief Dumbledore didn’t ask about it.

After a minute of Dumbledore just sitting and smiling amicably at him, Regulus couldn’t stand the silence any longer. “What happens now?” he asked cautiously.

“I thought I’d take you back to the school. I assume you can’t go home. Do I assume correctly?”

Regulus gave a small nod.

“It was a very brave thing you did.”

Regulus stared at Dumbledore, terrified. Did the old man know about the whole Death Eater business as well? Did he know _everything?_

“N-no. I didn’t do anything.”

“No? Then why were you thrown out of your home?”

“I told them I’m… gay.”

The headmaster contemplated him for a moment, and Regulus suddenly felt ashamed. Would he also be repulsed by him?

“Well. As I said, it was a brave thing to do. You must have suspected that your parents would not approve.”

**o0o0o**

So here he was, back at Hogwarts. He had been moved to a room in the teachers’ wing because Dumbledore feared that he would not be safe in Slytherin any longer. Regulus wondered how the old wizard could be so insightful. He had to know or at least have guessed what had happened. Curiously enough, he never asked Regulus about it. He just said that if there was anything he wanted to talk about he would be there to listen and offer all the help he could. Regulus always shook his head and said there was nothing and that he was fine.

He wasn’t, of course. After the final blow of realising that Remus was gone there was nothing that would ever be fine again. He had lost absolutely everything. First his brother, then the rest of his family, and finally the person he loved more than anything. He shouldn’t feel so sorry for himself. He knew it was his own fault. His parents had been ready to forgive him and then he had blown it by being selfish and refusing to do his duty and get married. 

And Remus. Regulus was such an idiot for messing that up. If he had only made the right decision before it was too late they would still be together. Even losing Sirius was partly his own doing; he realised that now. He had pushed him away, been too stubborn to forgive.

He didn’t regret refusing to become a Death Eater, but he wished he had kept his sexual preferences to himself. If he couldn’t have Remus, he might as well marry whoever his parents wished. Maybe the girl would even turn out to be a nice person. And he wouldn’t be alone.

Regulus sighed heavily and watched the occasional ripple in the water when a fish snapped an insect from the surface.

He often wondered what drowning would feel like. He’d heard that it was supposed to be a very peaceful way to go. But other sources said that it was a horrible experience, causing indescribable anxiety and panic until you could no longer hold off filling your lungs and suffocate. Either way there was something intriguing and strangely comforting about the thought of just letting go and sink into the deep.

He couldn’t swim, so it would be easy. He knew he wasn’t going to do it, though. At least not here. His body would be found and cause a commotion. And Remus would know. He would be upset. Maybe he'd feel guilty. Of course Sirius would be there to comfort him. It's wasn't as if he needed Regulus anymore.

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend **Zayhad** has made the piece of art for this chapter.  
>  Check out her Deviantart profile for loads of great art!  
> https://www.deviantart.com/zayhad


	35. I Promise

**Chapter 35 – I Promise**

"Come on, Moony, let's skip dinner," Sirius suggested, nipping playfully at Remus' ear.

"Eager, are we?" chuckled Remus.

Tonight was the night. Remus had told Sirius that he was ready to take the final step.

Truthfully he didn't feel ready at all. His chest felt as numb and hollow as ever, but he didn't think it was going to change anytime soon. And it wasn't fair keeping Sirius waiting any longer. He had been so patient, not once begging for sex. And who knew – maybe it would actually help Remus move on. Maybe a good shag was just what he needed.

They had barely closed the dormitory door behind them before Sirius was all over him, relieving him of his shirt and planting hot kisses down his neck and collarbone.

"God, Moony, I've wanted you for so long," he moaned.

Remus suddenly became nervous. What if he couldn't… perform? He tugged at Sirius' shirt, pulling it over his head and started kissing his chest. Of course he could. Anyone would be able to. Sirius was the hottest bloke in the school and there was hardly a girl (or boy for that matter) who wouldn't die to be in Remus' shoes right now. He should be ashamed of himself. And he was. But not so much for not being more turned on. He was ashamed of himself for stringing Sirius along. He should never have started this. Sirius deserved better than being with somebody who didn't appreciate him fully - whose heart belonged to someone else. Remus should have stopped it as soon as he had realised what it was he was doing. But he just couldn't bring himself do it. It would crush Sirius.

"Me too," he lied and pressed himself against Sirius. They kissed heatedly and let their hands wander all over each other.

"Bed," growled Sirius when Remus pulled off his belt and let it drop to the floor.

They tumbled onto the bed, Sirius landing on top of Remus. He pinned Remus' arms above his head and started ravishing his neck, sucking and scraping his teeth lightly against it.

 _You're not cheating on him_ , Remus told himself as he hooked a leg around Sirius' thigh and rolled his hips to meet him.

"Gentler," he whispered to Sirius, because Regulus was and Remus liked it that way.

He thought about the last time they had made love, how Regulus had felt moving against him and panting hot breath into his ear as Remus' hands smoothed down his back.

Suddenly, Sirius stopped his ministrations and sat back on his haunches, his piercing grey eyes scrutinising Remus carefully.

"You're pretending I'm him, aren't you?"

Remus stared back at Sirius and gulped, sure the guilt was written all over his face. Nothing came over his lips; he couldn't bear to hurt Sirius but he couldn't bring himself to lie to his face either.

Sirius held his gaze for a moment, then sighed heavily and flopped down on his back, an arm slung over his face.

"Sirius… I'm sorry. I… don't mean to. I just…"

Remus reached a hand out to touch him, but Sirius batted it away. "Just… don't."

There was silence for a long while. Remus sat on edge, waiting for Sirius to do or say something.

Finally he did. "Remus… there's something I have to tell you. Something I should have told you weeks ago. It's about Regulus."

A knot immediately formed in Remus' stomach. What horrible news could Sirius have that had made him hesitate so?

"What is it? Did… did something happen to him?"

Sirius sighed and sat up, facing Remus. "Not exactly. He didn't go through with it."

"Go through with what?" asked Remus, confused.

"He said no, Remus. He didn't become a Death Eater."

"What?" gasped Remus. "How do you know? Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't you tell me?"

"He told me not to."

" _What?_ Why would he do that?"

"I sort of… made him believe you'd moved on. That he'd hurt you so much you wouldn't take him back," said Sirius, looking extremely guilty.

Remus just stared at him, his mind a mixture of anger and relief. "All this time I've suffered – grieved. And you kept me in the dark. You should have told me!"

"He told me not to," Sirius tried.

"You lied to him! He did the right thing and you lied to him!"

"I'm sorry. I was afraid. I knew you'd run back to him and I'd lose you," said Sirius, sounding so pained that Remus felt his anger ebb away.

"I was afraid to lose you. I just couldn't stand the thought. And he _did_ hurt you. I was so mad at him for making you that miserable."

Remus closed his eyes and sighed. Sirius was right. He would have run back to Regulus and left Sirius heartbroken. Remus had used him. He had used Sirius for comfort, as a substitute, and when he could have the real thing back he'd… And then he thought about Regulus, all alone and unhappy. What had happened to him? Had they hurt him? Had he been disowned?

"What did they do to him? Did they kick him out?"

"I don't know. He wouldn't tell me anything. He still hates me for leaving back then. What are you going to do?" asked Sirius tentatively.

Remus sighed. "I have to go see him, Sirius."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, of course. I've been stupid. I've kept you to myself even though I knew I'm not the one you love."

"But I _do_ love you. I didn't lie about that. I've always loved you."

"Yeah," said Sirius, smiling a little sadly. "I know. But not the way you love him."

"Sirius, I… I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It won't make me feel any better, you know," Sirius said. "Well, what are you sitting here with me for? Go find him."

"But I don't want to hurt you. I made a commitment. I can't just throw you away; it isn't right…"

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut and took a couple of deep breaths through his nose. "Of course it's hurting me. But I've been kidding myself thinking this could ever work. I just - I wanted it to. So badly. I kept telling myself that you wanted me. That you just needed a bit of time to forget him and then you'd love only me."

"Sirius," whispered Remus, a huge lump forming in his throat. He took Sirius' hand in his and squeezed it. "I'm so, so sorry for hurting you. I've been such an arse. I can't believe I've treated you like this. I'm so sorry."

"Me too," said Sirius and hung his head. "I'm sorry for lying. To both of you."

"It's okay. I understand why you did it."

"Look, Remus, I'll survive, all right? Now, go. He needs you more than I do. I don't think he has anyone."

Remus looked admiringly at Sirius for a long moment. Then he ran a gentle thumb over his cheek. "Sirius Black, you're an amazing human being. Did you know that?"

"Of course!" Sirius said, forcing a grin. "I keep telling you lot, don't I?"

"Yeah, but I'm not talking about how cool and sexy you are. I'm talking about that big heart of yours."

**o0o0o**

Remus ran so fast he nearly tumbled down the stairs, first to ground level, then to the dungeons. He reached the entrance to Slytherin, out of breath. Damn. He needed someone who could let him in or fetch Regulus for him.

As if on cue a large group of Slytherins, led by Mulciber, Snape, and Wilkes, appeared around the corner, apparently coming back from dinner.

"Where is Regulus?" Remus asked, not bothering with formalities.

They stopped and Wilkes looked him up and down, an expression of revulsion on his face.

"Who? There's no Regulus here. Slytherin only houses honourable students. There's no room for scum."

"But where _is_ he?"

"Are you deaf?" snarled Mulciber and pulled his wand. "Now, bugger off, or you'll be very sorry you ever came down here. Prefect or not."

Remus realised that he wasn't going to get any answers and that it was probably not the safest place to be, alone facing a flock of Death Eater material. So he turned around and headed back.

Before he reached the stairs he heard running footsteps. He turned and saw a boy, a sixth or seventh year by the looks of him, coming up behind him. He glanced back over his shoulder nervously and motioned for Remus to follow him into an alcove.

"I couldn't say anything back there. Mulciber and those blokes – they sort of run things down here, and if you don't follow their lead you're in for it. And for some reason Regulus has been shunned, and no one is allowed to talk about him or have anything to do with him."

"So where is he, then?"

"He's gone."

"What do you mean he's gone?" Remus asked, a chill gripping him.

"He's moved out of Slytherin. I don't know where to."

"But is he still at Hogwarts?"

"I think so. At least he was… but I haven't seen him the last couple of days. He hasn't been in class. I don't know why. Maybe he's ill."

After checking the infirmary, Remus proceeded to search the rest of the castle but found no Regulus, and no one seemed to know where he was. He found out that he had a room in the teachers' wing and managed to persuade Professor Slughorn to take him to it. But no one answered the door.

Remus was starting to panic, thinking about all the things that could have happened to Regulus. Then he clapped a hand to his forehead. Why hadn't he stopped for a minute and used his head? Where did Regulus always go when he wanted solitude? Outside, of course.

**o0o0o**

The lakeside, where Remus knew Regulus liked to sit and ponder, was deserted. As was the area around the Stone Circle, and the kneazle enclosure held only kneazles. He checked the stables and finally headed for the hippogriff enclosure; the place they had first started to bond.

And there he was. With his back to Remus he was leaning against the fence, chin resting on his folded arms on the top rail, watching the hippogriffs strut around on the other side.

Remus found himself unable to move. He could only stand there and stare, greedily taking in the sight. He hadn't seen Regulus in nearly two months and now he was so close; all Remus had to do was call his name and he would turn around and see him.

He had lost weight, Remus noted. His jumper was sagging off his shoulders and his bottom didn't fill out his trousers quite as perfectly as it used to. All in all he looked small and vulnerable standing there slumped against the fence, the breeze toying with his hair.

Remus wasn't sure how long he stood there, just watching, not a sound coming over his lips. Finally Regulus sighed, so heavily it showed on his whole body, and turned away from the fence. He started walking, head bent so that he didn't notice Remus less than twenty yards in front of him. Remus had never seen such a defeated look on someone.

And then Regulus looked up and saw him. His face froze in an expression of shock and disbelief. "R-Remus?" he finally managed.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I… I just… I didn't think you'd… I didn't want to -"

"You're such an idiot."

Regulus swallowed. "I'm sorry. About everything."

Remus' trance broke and he rushed forward and enveloped the younger boy in a fierce embrace.

Regulus drew in a breath and stiffened in his arms.

"You're such an idiot," Remus murmured into his neck.

"I didn't want to bother you," Regulus whispered. Remus could feel him tremble and his breath coming in small gasps as if he was about to cry.

"That's the dumbest excuse I've ever heard. Didn't you listen at all? Did you think I was joking when I said I loved you and the only thing standing in the way of us being together was you becoming a Death Eater?"

"But I blew it. I broke your heart…"

"Then you better start mending it."

Regulus clung to Remus and pressed his face into his neck. Remus felt wetness on his skin and silent sobs roll through Regulus' chest. "It's okay," he murmured and kissed the top of his head.

A couple of minutes later Regulus straightened himself and wiped his face with his sleeve. Remus cradled his face in his hands and crashed their lips together in a heated kiss. Regulus responded like a drowning man coming up for air, opening his mouth and sucking Remus in, tongues twisting together in a fervent dance. For a moment, Remus' mind went blank, his senses completely overwhelmed by all that was Regulus. His taste. Smell. Warmth. Touch. Everything he had been deprived of for so long.

After a few minutes they parted, just enough to breathe properly. They stood with their foreheads pressed together, drowning in each other's eyes.

"What happened?" asked Remus when they had caught their breath. "How did your parents react?"

Regulus' smile faded. "They… they don't want me anymore…"

"Just because you won't join Voldemort?"

"Yeah. And because I refused to get married. I told them I loved you. I mean – I didn't give them your name or anything. It would have put you in danger."

Remus felt warmth spread in his chest and a smile pull at his lips.

"You told them that?" he asked and tucked a lock of hair behind Regulus' ear.

Regulus gave a small nod.

"I know you're upset about it, but it's better for you to be free of them. I hope you'll come to see that one day. They were destroying you."

Regulus shrugged and cast his eyes down. But Remus caught a glimpse of the haunted look in them.

"Hey, come on," he said and lifted Regulus' chin so he could look into his face. "Do you really miss them?"

Regulus considered it for a minute. Then he shook his head. "No. It just hurts so much being abandoned. Like I'm worth nothing."

"Don't talk like that. You're the most precious thing they could possibly have. They're crazy for giving you up. They're not worth grieving over. I'm so proud of you. You've been so brave."

"No. I've been scared. I've been scared my whole life."

"Well, that just makes you all the braver."

Regulus looked into Remus' eyes for a long moment. Then he took a deep breath and said, "I don't want to be scared anymore."

Remus ran his fingers through Regulus' hair and caressed his cheek lovingly. "I've got you. And I'll never abandon you again. I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend **Zayhad** has made the piece of art for this chapter.  
>  Check out her Deviantart profile for loads of great art!  
> https://www.deviantart.com/zayhad


	36. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end! Thanks to my readers and reviewers, and I hope you've enjoyed it :)
> 
> Tomorrow I'll start posting another Regulus/Remus fic which is co-written with my friend **Zayhad**. And she has made a drawing for every chapter!

**Epilogue**

Remus pressed his nose flat against the window, watching the wine fields and olive trees sweep by. He had always enjoyed traveling by train, but he was starting to get a bit restless. The ride was a good deal longer than the familiar one from London to Hogwarts, and he had been on the move for nearly twenty-four hours now. It looked like they would soon be there though, having come out on the other side of the mountains and rolling through the countryside of Provence.

He was dying to see Regulus again, but couldn’t help feeling nervous as well. What if Regulus hadn’t missed him as much as Remus had missed him? What if he had found out that he could cope without Remus? His letters were full of praise of his new school and friends. There had to be plenty of cute French boys, and who would be able to resist someone as gorgeous as Regulus? His Regulus. “Okay, stop it!” he scolded himself.

Even though it was torture being so far apart, Remus knew it was for the best. Of course he had to agree with Dumbledore that it was safest to send Regulus abroad to take his final year. It was too risky for him to stay at Hogwarts – especially now that Remus wouldn’t be around to keep an eye on him.

Finally, the train pulled into the station in Nice. His heart did a summersault when he spotted Regulus standing in a cluster of other Beauxbatons students on the platform. They were all chatting amongst themselves, trunks at their feet. They were obviously here to take the train home for the holidays.

Remus barely made it down the steps to the platform before Regulus caught him and squeezed the life out of him.

“Merlin, I’ve missed you!” he mumbled and kissed Remus’ neck discretely so no one could see. It probably wasn’t a good idea, kissing openly in front of a bunch of people. Remus doubted French Muggles were any more tolerant of gays than the British.

Finally, Regulus let go and they stood there smiling and watching each other for a moment.

“Look at you in that uniform,” said Remus. “You look great in blue.” He ran his hands inquisitively down the smooth fabric, using it as an excuse to touch his boyfriend.

“OOH!” sounded an excited female voice. Remus turned his head to see a girl with long braids coming bouncing up to them. She was followed by another girl and two boys.

“Ze famous Remus!” she squealed and pulled a baffled Remus into a hug.

“We ’ave ‘eard so much about you!” one of the boys said and grabbed Remus’ hand, shaking it enthusiastically.

Beaming, Regulus introduced all four of his friends and Remus politely greeted everybody. He was showered with questions and found it hard to keep up because everybody was talking at once, a mixture of English and French. Regulus didn’t say much. He just stood there, fondly watching Remus and occasionally “accidentally” brushing their hands together.

Then people started boarding the train. “Au revoir, Regulus,” said the girl with the braids and planted a huge wet kiss on said boy’s cheek. Remus watched in silence and only a tiny part of him wanted to push the stupid girl away, because he really was happy to see that Regulus had made such good new friends.

“’Ave fun,” she said, winking at Remus as she passed him on her way into the train.

Remus felt his cheeks heat up and wondered if Regulus had really told his friends about the nature of their relationship or if the girl was just perceptive.

**o0o0o**

Regulus pulled Remus off to the side where no one could see them and apparated them to the school grounds. As soon as they had regained their balance Remus grabbed hold of his face and locked their lips together. Regulus kissed back eagerly and wrapped his arms around Remus’ waist, pulling him close. Threading his fingers through soft black hair, Remus melted into the kiss, tasting every inch of Regulus’ mouth. The caress against his tongue sent shivers down his back and made his knees weak.

“Reg,” he gasped after a couple of minutes, breaking the kiss and turning his face away. “We gotta stop…”

Regulus just responded by trailing his lips along Remus’ jaw and down his neck.

“No… you’re getting me all worked up…” said Remus and used all his willpower to gently push the other boy’s head away. “Not here… later…”

“Yeah, all right,” sighed Regulus and stepped back. “Well, follow me,” he said and picked up Remus’ rucksack.

They walked through meticulously groomed renaissance gardens, and a few minutes later an impressive white palace came into view.

“Wow. It’s beautiful!” said Remus, and thought that somehow these surroundings with their aristocratic feel suited Regulus better than the wild nature of Hogwarts.

“Yeah,” smiled Regulus. “It’s really nice.”

They continued into the palace where Regulus started showing Remus around.

“You have to see this room,” he said and pushed Remus through the door to a tiny room that looked like nothing more than a broom closet.

“What’s special about this? It’s just a broo-”

The rest of the sentence was swallowed up by Regulus who had thrown himself at Remus, apparently trying to suck the life out of him. Desire exploded in Remus’ midsection and spread throughout his body like a current, making his head spin. He grabbed Regulus by the collar, walked him backwards, and pressed him roughly against the wall, taking control of the kiss.

Regulus tugged Remus’ shirt free of his trousers and slipped a hand up under it.

“Remus –” he gasped, as Remus drove their hips together. “Want you...”

“Yes,” Remus groaned and latched on to Regulus’ neck, sucking greedily at the smooth skin.

“Want you to take me…” moaned Regulus, “… now!”

Remus’ mind nearly blanked out from lust. He spun Regulus around so he was facing the wall and fumbled frantically with his fly to free his straining erection.

“Hurry up!” whinged Regulus who had already undone his own trousers and had them pooling around his ankles.

“I’m on it!” said Remus. He finally succeeded and stepped forwards to press himself against Regulus’ backside.

“Oh God, oh God, oh God!” groaned Regulus.

Remus cast the prep charm and kicked Regulus’ feet further apart. He stepped closer, positioning himself just right. “I’ve been fantasising about this for months,” he purred into his ear. “Been wanking over your picture. The one where you do wicked things to yourself.”

A keening sound escaped Regulus’ throat as he pushed his hips back, urging Remus to penetrate him.

Remus indulged him and drove himself in in one smooth stroke. Regulus’ jaw dropped and his head fell back to settle on Remus’ shoulder.

“Sorry if that was too fast.”

“It’s fine,” gasped Regulus and turned his head to capture Remus’ lips with his. They kissed messily for a minute until Regulus gave the green light to go ahead.

Remus started thrusting slowly at first but quickly sped up as Regulus begged for more, bracing himself with his lower arms against the wall to keep himself from being knocked into it. He never failed to drive Remus mad when he was needy like this, and all Remus could do was give him exactly what he wanted.

Remus held on to Regulus’ narrow hips to keep him in place and buried his face in the crook of his neck. Heat was pooling deliciously in his abdomen. This was going to be a very short performance and judging by the way Regulus was panting and moaning that went for him as well.

“You’re mine,” Remus growled, grazing his teeth over Regulus’ earlobe.

“Yes, yours! Only yours!” gasped Regulus and threw his head back so Remus could kiss him again. His lips were hot and wet against Remus’ and his fringe damp with sweat, sticking to his forehead and temples. He rolled his head to the side to expose his throat and collar bone.

“Fuck, Reg, you need to come now, or…” said Remus and reached around to grabbed Regulus’ length.

He only had to jerk a few times and Regulus obediently spilled himself, bucking into Remus’ hand and crying out his name. Remus trust vigorously a couple more times and stilled suddenly as a powerful swooping sensation rushed through his body. He felt himself go limp against Regulus.

“Remus,” said Regulus after a moment. “I’m not some kind of coat stand you can just hang on. You’re heavy.”

“Sorry,” mumbled Remus and straightened himself.

They quickly cleaned themselves and arranged clothes and hair.

Remus gave Regulus a soft lingering kiss. He pulled back slightly and looked into his eyes, their noses touching. “Thank you. That was amazing.”

Regulus smiled prettily, dimples showing. “Thanks yourself. Well, let’s go. I want to show you the rest of the palace.”

Now that the sexual tension had been relieved, Regulus could concentrate fully on showing around and telling about the school.

“And you know – students are not divided into Houses. No rivalry. It’s brilliant.”

Remus looked at him in surprise. “Is that a Slytherin speaking? I thought you lot were supposed to be competitive.”

“I _am_. But I’m tired of being hated by the rest of the school just because of the House I’m in.”

Remus looked at him pensively. “I never thought about it that way…”

“No, you Gryffindors rarely do see things from other perspectives than your own,” said Regulus, sounding a little bitter. “Not _you_ , of course,” he added quickly. “ _You’re_ not like that. Really – I didn’t mean…”

“It’s all right,” smiled Remus. “I know what you mean.”

“Let’s take your luggage to the dormitories,” said Regulus, eager to change the subject.

“Where do I sleep?”

“In my dorm of course! Don’t worry, all my mates are home for Christmas.”

Remus stopped and sent Regulus an incredulous look. “We have a whole dorm to ourselves, and you drag me into a broom closet?”

Regulus shrugged and grinned sheepishly. “Dorm was too far away…”

**o0o0o**

“I didn’t know they were that big,” said Remus, admiring the impressive winged horses on the other side of the fence.

“I know. They’re quite something. They’re rather fierce too. Only seventh years are allowed to handle them,” said Regulus with a hint of pride in his voice.

“Be careful then,” said Remus, feeling worried all of a sudden.

Regulus flashed him an indignant look. “Honestly Remus, I didn’t run half way across Europe to get myself killed by a horse.”

“Sorry. I don’t mean to be overprotective. I just -”

“I know. It’s all right.”

Remus gently cradled Regulus’ face in his hands and gazed at it. Those dark grey eyes, thick lashes, and perfect brows. He traced the delicate features with a thumb, along the cheekbones and down the outline of the jaw to the chin.

“I forgot how beautiful you are.”

“You don’t look too bad yourself,” said Regulus, blushing a little.

Remus snorted. “You can’t even _begin_ to compare…”

“I didn’t know it was a competition,” smiled Regulus and slipped his hand into Remus’, entwining their fingers.

They stood there a little, holding hands and silently watching the large creatures in the pasture.

“How is Sirius?” asked Regulus suddenly, not taking his eyes from the horses.

“He’s all right. More mature. Don’t look at me like that – he really is. Being thrown into the middle of a war does that to you.”

“Is he… over you?”

“Yeah. He’s found someone, actually. A girl. I think it’s getting serious. They’re talking about moving in together.”

“Really? That’s good.”

“He gave me something for you, actually,” said Remus and started rummaging through his inside pockets.

“Me? Why?” said Regulus, surprised. “What is it?”

Remus fished out a large key and handed it to him.

Regulus studied it closely and almost suspiciously as if he’d never seen a key before.

“He opened a vault for you in Gringotts with half the money he got from your Uncle Alphard.”

“But…” said Regulus, looking up at Remus, his eyes big and round. “Uncle Alphard gave that money to Sirius. It’s all his.”

“Sirius says you deserve it as much as he does. He says that your uncle would have been proud of you.”

Regulus swallowed hard, still staring at Remus as if he couldn’t quite believe what he said.

“And Sirius… did he say… does he…”

“Yeah, he’s proud of you too. He hasn’t said it in so many words, but I know he is.”

Regulus looked away, swallowing heavily again, and Remus could see how touched he was - even if he would never admit that he cared one bit what his brother thought of him.

“So, do you think you can ever find it in your heart to forgive him?”

Regulus shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Come on, Reg. Stop being so stubborn. You’re not the only one who was hurt, you know.”

“I said maybe, didn’t I?”

**o0o0o**

“I’m going to miss you so much. I can’t believe I won’t see you until June,” said Remus, holding Regulus tight.

They were standing a bit off to the side at the station, waiting for the moment where Remus had to board the train if he didn’t want to be left behind.

“I don’t want you to leave,” whimpered Regulus. “I want you here – with me.”

“I don’t _want_ to leave, believe me. But I have important business at home. You know that.”

“Yes,” said Regulus, sighing heavily as he let go of Remus.

“You won’t have time to miss me with your final exams coming up,” said Remus, affectionately running his fingers through Regulus’ hair. “You’re going to study really hard if I know you. And before you know it it’s you on the train home.”

They were both silent for a moment. Then Regulus said quietly, “It still won’t be safe for me to go back, will it?”

“No. But it isn’t safe for any of us anymore. Especially us in the Order. You’re not getting cold feet, are you? About joining?”

“Of course not. I want to do my bit.”

“Good,” smiled Remus. “You will be a great asset for us, you know. Inside information and all that.”

“Remus…” said Regulus, his brows knitting together. “Be careful, you hear? Tell my stupid brother to look after you or I’ll kill him when I get back.”

“I’m sure he’ll be very afraid of that,” grinned Remus. “No, really, I couldn’t ask for someone better to have my back.”

“Yes, I suppose.”

“And I’ll look after him too.”

“I don’t care.”

“Of course you do.”

A whistle sounded to signal to the last passengers to board the train.

“Reg, I have to go,” said Remus and swung his rucksack over his shoulder.

Regulus’ hand closed in a tight fist in Remus’ cloak.

Remus gave him a sweet lingering kiss. “I love you.”

“Love you too…” whispered Regulus.

“I’ll see you in June okay? And write you all the time.”

Regulus nodded and reluctantly let go of Remus’ cloak.

Remus gave him another quick kiss and tore himself away. He ran to the train and jumped on it at the last moment.

As he sat in his compartment, waving and watching Regulus become smaller and smaller on the platform, he took a deep calming breath and told himself that June was just around the corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Zayhad** has once again made a drawing for the chapter.


End file.
